The Fifth Circle (12 page)

I knew we were white trash, but the rest of my family didn’t. They looked down on the meth-heads, pot-heads, liberals,
apartment dwellers, food stamp recipients, and anyone else who happened to be poorer than us. In my dad’s narrow mind, our family reeked of quality because he owned our home and had his own semi-successful business. “I’m a tax-payer, God-dammit,” was a common refrain.

B
ut I knew the truth—the way we lived wasn’t right. The screaming, drinking, threats, visits by the police—none of it was right. It wasn’t right that my dad pushed and hit me and my mom. It wasn’t right that my mom took it. We were nothing but trash and my parents were delusional for thinking we were okay just because there were some folks out there who sucked worse than us. In my heart, I knew we weren’t right.

My sister knew it, too. That’s why she worked so hard to get away. I took a gulp of my milk and stabbed at my half-eaten food with my fork. I could get away. My grades were good. It didn’t have to be like this. I could get a scholarship, get a college education, find a job I liked, move to a city where no one knew my family, meet a good man who didn’t get drunk every night, have children who would never cower in fear from their parents.

I could…but it would require a lot of effort. I’d have to talk to the guidance counselor, probably pick up some extra-curricular activities, write an entrance essay, fill out a bunch of forms, research colleges—it all seemed overwhelming. I’d think about college later, I figured. It was too much to worry about while my sister was there, and my parents were at odds, and everything with Sean was so complicated. The light of hope faded and my sense of empowerment deflated.

Sean was another roadblock
on my path to college. He wanted us to get married right out of high school, and though some married couples finished college, the majority did not. Especially those couples who started families right away. If I continued to be careless with Sean, I might end up pregnant. He kept ‘forgetting’ to use condoms and I still hadn’t made an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get birth control pills. A couple of weeks ago, I’d asked Sean to take me. He told me he’d do it when things settled down at work. With Sean, though, nothing ever seemed to settle down. I’d just have to figure out a way to take care of it on my own. Maybe after the New Year.

I excused myself from the table, rinsed my plate, grabbed an entire box of
cheese crackers, and headed upstairs to my room. I quickly grabbed my book and let the vampires transport me to their world—a world where contraception and college applications had no meaning. I would deal with my problems later…maybe after the New Year. After all, I was young. I had all the time in the world to make my choices and find my way. 

***

Neatly pressed, polished, and put-together, Claire came into my room to say her goodbyes. I glanced up at her in surprise when she shut the door behind her. She rarely sought me out for company. I hadn’t planned on riding with my parents to the airport. My sister and I didn’t have much to say to each other, and besides, I’d promised Sean I’d come over before he had to go to work. My wet hair hung down my back and in my rumpled sweats, I felt frumpy and hideous in comparison to my gorgeous sibling.

“You know you can always talk to me, right?” she
said.

“Um, yeah. What do you mean?” I wondered if my parents sent her in to talk me out of seeing Sean.

“Just… anything. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Look, I know Sean isn’t the ideal boyfriend, but I’m not in over my head or anything. I mean, we’re really not that serious…” I trailed off when she looked pointedly at the ring on my finger
—the ring I’d forgotten to take off the night before when I’d visited with Sean late into the evening.

“Sean’s a freak,” she s
aid, rolling her eyes. “That’s not what I was talking about and you know it.” She lowered her voice to a near whisper and her face contorted as if she were about to cry. “Just be careful, Alex. What you might think is over, might not be if you know what I mean.”

“Claire!” My father’s voice bellowed from the hallway. “
You miss that flight, and you’ll be walking to Denver. Let’s go.”

She gave me a quick, bone-crushing hug and was gone before I could process what had happened. I felt a deep sense of unease, like the world had suddenly tilted on its axis. Gravity seemed to pull at my limbs and I couldn’t lift my arms to brush my hair. I sat down heavily on the end of my bed and listened to the sounds of bickering and chaos outside my bedroom window. At last, the car doors slammed, the engine started, and all was silent as my family drove away.

I closed my eyes and let the waves of confusion and shame wash over me. Flashes of pajama pants, fishing boats, and teddy bear nightlights assaulted me, but I pushed the images away. I imagined I could smell cheap cologne and sweat, and began to choke in reaction. Perspiration pooled under my bra, and despite the sub-freezing temperatures outside, I felt hot and flushed.

Grabbing my purse, cell phone, and paperback book, I rushed down the stairs and outside without even putting on a jacket. Cold air assaulted me the moment I stepped outside, but I couldn’t bear the thought of going back inside my house. I beat desperately on Sean’s door
until he answered.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” He led me inside and scrutinized my face closely. “Did
something happen?” I shook my head.

Once inside his room, he pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back. It was just like old times. We
didn’t speak or move. He stroked my hair, held me against his chest, offered comfort and nothing more. He wasn’t my boyfriend or lover. Wasn’t my overly possessive, jealous fiancé. He was my friend. Just Sean. And, I loved him.

***

It was relief to get back into the routine of school. Exhilaration marked the second semester of my senior year of high school. As Chelsea constantly reminded me, it was crunch time. Time to make major decisions about my life, time to make that final ascent into adulthood. In a few short months, I would clutch my diploma—my ticket into the world of independence. I felt a dizzying sense of empowerment. I glanced at the tiny diamond ring on my finger—a symbol my life was not my own after all.

Sean allowed me to take the ring off around my parents
, but he insisted I wear it to school. I believed it was his way of marking me, of keeping others from encroaching upon his territory. His possessiveness, although stifling and vaguely insulting, filled me with a sense of worth. It felt comforting to know he loved me enough to feel such jealousy. He cared about me and didn’t want to lose me. He loved me, and sometimes love makes you do crazy things.

I met up with Chelsea outside our
English classroom just as Sean came down the hallway. He kissed me soundly under my friend’s disapproving glare. When she cleared her throat to break us up, he smirked at her and swaggered down the hall. I knew for a fact he’d never make it to class on time. I could see detention in his immediate future.

“
Wow. I still can’t believe you and Sean are a couple,” she hissed as we took our seats. Her eyes bugged out when she noticed the ring on my finger.

“
I really don’t want to talk about right now.” I took out my twenty pound textbook and feigned interest in the index. Senior Honors English, my favorite class and one I consistently pulled an ‘A’ in, was one Sean could not share. He tried to rig his schedule to coincide with mine, but my advanced studies became an obstacle. Consequently, we only had one class together and I strongly suspected my grade in History would suffer because of it. He begged me to drop my honors classes, but I told him the guidance counselor wouldn’t allow it. This was lie. I never even considered asking because I couldn’t bear to have to explain myself to her, or see the look of disappointment in her eyes.

“Look, Alex. You know I don’t want to interfere…” Chelsea st
opped speaking when Mr. Chalmers entered the classroom. His old-school, no-nonsense demeanor could quiet even the noisiest classroom. In four years, I’d never known a student to challenge him by making even the slightest sound.

He droned on about
the high standards in universities and his own expectations for the last semester of our high school career. “The text in front of you hits the high points of
Inferno
, but I encourage each and every one of you to invest in your own copy of
The Divine Comedy
. I think it’s borderline criminal that most textbooks exclude
Paradiso
and
Purgatorio
; they’re doing you—and Dante Alighieri—a grave disservice.” I could practically feel the repressed eye-rolling of my fellow tormented students.

“This project will be seventy percent of your final grade for this semester.” His polyester pants swished as
he made his way to the chalkboard and scrawled a point chart. “Each student will specialize in a particular Canto or Circle of Hell and most of your grade will be based upon your extensive research of this section of
Inferno
. Now, bear in mind, this will not excuse you from familiarizing yourself with the entire work. A portion of your grade will be based on an overview. For those of you who research all three Canticas, extra credit points will be given.”

I, along with nearly everyone else in the room, flipped through the pages, and I could sense relief sweep down the aisles as each student discovered the brevity of each Canto. I glanced at the board and my heart took an immediate dive when I saw the words, “Oral Presentation
—10 points.” My oral presentation skills were subpar and I figured I’d lose half a letter grade in that category alone. I made a mental note to ask Sean to take me to the mall to buy my own complete copy of
The Divine Comedy.
I would surely need the extra credit points to make up for those areas where I would fall short.

“Pay attention, now,” Mr. Chalmers snapped. “Close your books and take out a pen and paper. I’ll read out your names
along with your assigned Cantos.” I waited patiently, and when he called my name, I wrote “Cantos VII and VIII, The Fifth Circle” in my notebook. As I closed my notebook, I felt a prickly shiver on the back of my neck and shuddered in response. Something about this assignment felt personal, prophetic.

I
was so lost in my own thoughts, I almost didn’t hear the bell ring at the end of class. A war raged inside me. I briefly considered slacking on this difficult assignment—just doing the bare minimum to make a solid B—but my basic nature rebelled against the idea. I wondered why I cared so much about making honor roll when I knew deep inside I would likely do nothing spectacular with my exemplary grades. My vague and unformed plans to drift through community college certainly wouldn’t require more than 3.0 GPA.

How easy it would be to coast through this final semester, to give in
to my laziness, to sail toward graduation on a wave of indifference. My parents wouldn’t notice. Sean wouldn’t care. I envisioned the look of disbelief on Chelsea’s face if I ceased to be her Honor Roll buddy, Mr. Chalmers’ disappointment, and my sister’s smug “I told you so.” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let go of the one thing that kept my self-esteem from plummeting into the abyss of my beer-stained, white trash life.

For twelve years, I’d lived for the A plus, the “Good Job” or “Nice Work” scrawled in red at the top of each test. My self-worth hinged on each compliment, each A, each proud nod from my
teachers. Honor Roll meant I was someone—someone worthy of mention, of acknowledgment, of something I couldn’t define.

My good grades provided a framework for my ide
ntity. I was Alexandra Elmwood—Honor Roll Student. Alex the Choir Nerd. Alex the quiet girl in the back of the class. Now I’d become Alexandra Elmwood, girlfriend to Sean Droste—town psycho and school
laughingstock
.
Obviously, Honor Roll Student was the best title I had and therefore, the most difficult to relinquish.

“You ready to go, baby?”
Sean pushed through the crowded hallway. A giant of a football player nudged him roughly, and Sean’s books slid from his arms to the floor. He bent to pick them up as one textbook skittered out of his reach. The sea of students ebbed and flowed around him, but it had always been that way. Sean had never been able to swim with the others. He’d always been the boy who struggled to make his way, battled the tide, fought against the forces of nature which threatened to drag him under. And, I’d always been the girl who pulled him to the surface.

Chapter 12- Sean

The world
oftimes converted into chaos

(Canto XII, line 43)

There had been a time I indulged Alex’s interest in school. I found her dedication endearing. There was even a time not so long ago I’d actively encouraged her. Alex was smart, maybe even brilliant, but I’d come to realize most of her intelligence was confined to book learning. She lacked basic common sense and needed my protection.

For instance, as sharp as she normally was, she still hadn’t picked on my constant ‘accidental’ failure to wear a condom. This
just proved her gullibility. Of course, maybe she wanted to get pregnant, but didn’t want to bring up the subject. Either scenario was possible, but regardless, Alex clearly had issues.