The Fight for Us (9 page)

“Your job?” She was watching him curiously. “Why did you resign?”

“It’s more sabbatical than anything. Taking a break.”

“So, you’ll be returning to Chicago and your job there at some point?”

“You ask a lot of personal questions.” His pulse was accelerating. Talking about his personal business tended to come with a spike in blood pressure these days. It just left him feeling entirely too vulnerable. And with her, that vulnerability felt damn near painful.

She shrugged her shoulders in that no-duh sorta of gesture. “What’s wrong with a personal question or two? You can ask me questions if you want.”

“I don’t want.” It was a biting sarcasm, driven by his own fear, and he instantly regretted it.

Her face dropped, and she glanced away.

He exhaled a deep breath before trying again. “I do want. And there’s nothing wrong with you asking.” He watched her eyes, waiting for her face to relax again, and when her shoulders dropped their tension, he reached for her chin. She pulled back reflexively for a moment, and he paused with his hand in mid-air. He studied her again, waiting for some sign it was okay to move, and when she released a calming breath, he continued to reach for her. “How did you get this scar?”

His fingers ran over the gnarled tissue that interrupted the smoothness of her skin on her chin. It was light pink against her pale skin, and he wasn’t beyond noticing that her skin was just as corn silk smooth as he’d imagined it might be. The pad of his thumb brushed gently over the scar, and she watched him with her lips parted. She was holding her breath, and when she reached up, fumbling with his fingers as she touched the same spot, he pushed her fingers out of the way as he studied her eyes. He was forcing his way past her barriers. He knew a thing or two about those, and while his own were an immovable force at the moment, he still wasn’t willing to accept hers.

“Fell into the corner of a countertop a couple years ago. Ended up with a nasty gash.” Her eyes focused on him, and she stared, forcing herself to hold her ground. It was a lie. While her eyes remained firmly fixed on his, her diaphragm had stopped moving again. She was doing her best to convince him of the lie, but he knew a thing or two about the telltale signs of deception.

“I see.” He very intentionally shifted his knee toward her until he could feel her leg. She sucked in a hissing breath as the shock of his sudden touch knocked her off her ground, and she finally looked away. Of course, the feel of her trembling leg against his had a definite effect on him too.

Her lips trembled for a moment as she opened her mouth to say something more, but then a rush of air left her instead. He let his fingers drop from her chin to the table in front of them, and she took a shuttering breath as he licked his lips. “Take a walk with me?”

She nodded in answer to his question but said nothing else. He helped her back into the coat she’d hung on the back of the kitchen chair, and as he grabbed his own coat from the wall rack in the entryway, he hollered into the living room, “We’re going for a walk. There’s frozen pizza in the freezer if you get hungry.”

The response was a not-meant-for-them piece of conversation.

“They’re totally going to make out.” Harper’s small little voice trailed out to them as Joss’s eyes bulged in mortification.

“I know. It’s disgusting. They’re so old,” came his daughter’s voice.

The most Isaiah could manage was muttering, “I’m not that old,” as he passed through the door to the cool afternoon air.

Joss was dressed for the walk, thank God, because he couldn’t sit in that damn small house of his for one more second before he mauled her on top of the kitchen table. At least if it was cold, he wouldn’t be quite so inclined to pull her clothes off her.

She’d worn hiking boots and jeans, and her fleece pullover under her parka would keep her warm enough. He’d noticed she was something of a klutz before, and within five minutes of traipsing through the woods toward the shoreline, her knees were wet, and she’d said, “Oops,” at least seven times. He looked back and laughed each and every time, and after it was quite clear she could likely injure herself before they made it to the beach, he took her hand and led the way.

There was a downed log that sat twenty feet or so back from the rocky shoreline, and he stepped over the wide trunk before he sat. She shimmied her way over and joined him. He’d been walking to this particular log since he’d moved to Bristol a few months prior. It was one of his favorite places on the island. The fact she was sitting beside him in his favorite place was a bit of a rush.

“You didn’t answer the question about returning to Chicago.”

He was learning there was very little she wasn’t willing to say. If it was in her mind, it was likely coming out of her mouth. He glanced at her and couldn’t help but smile. He liked how little control she seemed to have over her mouth.

“I’m not returning to Chicago or the bureau. When I resigned, it was permanent and it was very intentional.”

“Why did you?”

He stared at the rocks in front of them for a moment, debating to what depth he wanted to let her see his old life. When he looked at her again, she was waiting patiently for his response. “I don’t want anything standing in the way of my being a good parent to Natalie. My job did before, and I’m not willing to let that happen again.” He snatched a smooth rock from between his feet and ran the pad of his thumb over the cool unblemished surface. “I’ll work again when I’m ready.”

She seemed pacified for the moment, though there was little chance she’d be satiated for long. She was an information junky. She just liked to know things. He was familiar with the personality type; in fact, it was oddly similar to Natalie’s.

“I want to look at houses again.” He peered at her with a grimace on his face. He’d fucked that up once already, and she’d made it very clear she didn’t intend to be his realtor.

“Well, Randall—”

“Is not going to be getting another of your commissions.” He watched her for a moment, and she harrumphed in response. “I’m sorry about how things ended that day. But I’d rather you have the commission than fucking Randall any day.”

She smiled shyly. “Okay then. You’ve seen five homes, so there’s really only a few more to see.”

He started shaking his head, and she cocked her head to the side in curiosity.

“I was a bit distracted last time.” He studied her eyes, but he was smirking.

“So, you want to see one of the other ones again?”

“Try all of them.”

“All of them?” Her eyes were wide, and she shook her head for a moment in the most adorable overstated expression of dumfoundedness.

“Now you’re catching on.” He smiled at her as he watched the crease between her brows become more pronounced by the second.

“All because you weren’t paying very good attention last time?” She was starting to mock him.

“Let me paint you a picture.” He swung his leg closest to her over the log, straddling it so he could face her.

She pulled her knee that was closest to him up and faced him as well. Her expression was all sarcasm as she waited for him to continue.

“So, the first house, I actually think I might like. But I’m struggling to remember much of anything except how nice that light gray skirt you were wearing looked up against the dark granite counter in the kitchen.” He could tell his nostrils were flaring as he watched her

Her lips had parted as a huff of breath escaped her. It turned him on so much he stared at her lips for a good five seconds straight before he could manage to look at her eyes again. When he did, that radiant blue shined back at him.

“The second, third, and fourth houses were a blur for a different reason, and I’m pretty sure I was arguing with both you and myself in my head the entire time.” He shook his head, not entirely sure why he was divulging so much, but she was laughing as she watched him. “Fifth house…well, the fifth house was all about your boobs and trying not to kiss you. Or argue with you for that matter. I
can
say conclusively that there was a staircase—only because you came flying off it toward me.”

She studied him for a moment. “And what makes you think this time will be any better?”

“I’m committed to behaving myself—on both fronts. I promise I won’t get upset and overreact about nonsense, and I promise to let you fall straight off the roof, if it happens to be the case, rather than put myself in the line of your absolutely incredible figure.”

She looked at him sheepishly for a moment as she contemplated, and then she opened her mouth. “Can we at least start at the other end of the list this time?”

“Of course.” He held his eyes steadily on her, and he waited for her response.

She stood then, and he watched her from his place on the log. “Fine. Damn shame you don’t want to like me.” Her lips pursed as she muttered her cheeky remark.

They just stared at one another then. She was right about that. It was a damn shame, and it was also an incredible moment that made him want to pull her right back down to the log with him for the rest of the night, but as she exhaled a foggy breath of air, he had to acknowledge his ass was starting to go numb.

“Ready to get back?” He stood as he spoke.

She nodded. She was rubbing her hands together and blowing on them to keep warm.

As he took off toward the woods from where they’d come, he tossed over his shoulder. “Sun’s going down, and you have a hard enough time walking—”

“Oops!”

He turned back to see her face down in the snow.

“Did you just never learn to walk, or is it some sort of defect in your feet?” He spoke as he leaned down, hoisting her off the snow covered ground.

She sputtered to get the snow out of her mouth. After they’d been traipsing through the woods for five minutes, Isaiah had decided he wouldn’t be letting go of her klutziness anytime soon. He made a point to remind her about it regularly.

“My legs are short. That’s what being five-foot-four-inches tall does to a person, and that log was big. Not my fault I caught my toe on it.”

“It is your fault actually. You own those feet.” He smirked at her as he peered down.

But it all gave him a good excuse to hold her hand, and he’d not let go of it since leaving the beach. He liked that. He couldn’t feel her fingers within his anymore given just how frozen his hand was, but his large hand enclosed hers perfectly, and the heat of her palm warmed his. It took little more than ten minutes to reach his front door, but as they neared the house, he slowed. He wasn’t ready to give her back to the world and their daughters just yet. They more meandered down the path to his front door. He ignored the cold that was starting to sink deeper and deeper into his body, and when they reached the stoop, he finally let go of her hand.

“Listen…” She started.

“What is it with you and that damn word?” He could feel his lips pulling up as he said it, and hers did too.

But as quickly as she’d smiled, that smile disappeared from her lips, and he stilled. Joss was good at speaking her mind, and he could nearly see it coming. His chest tightened in anticipation. It could be something that would make him laugh, or it could be something he wasn’t ready to hear. He never knew with her. She was honest about what was going through her mind, and as much as he loved that, he was also terrified of it.

“Do you intend to start liking me sometime soon?”

The smile on his mouth froze for a moment before slowly falling, and yet, he looked at her. There wasn’t an ounce of expression on her face, and he was guessing there was little more on his. When he finally swallowed over a lump in his throat and opened his mouth to speak, he closed it again, saying nothing. He wanted to be as honest as her, but he didn’t know exactly how that would work out for them.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said…” She was stammering.

“No.” He thought for a moment, staring at her mouth as he did. “I meant it when I said I was distracted by you at the house.” His attention finally moved up to her eyes. “I’m distracted by you every time I see you. When I’m with you, I think about kissing you, touching you, tasting you—” he paused for a moment as he tensed his jaw “—fucking you—a whole mess of things I can’t seem to stop thinking about.”

Her breath was released in a huff of shock. She couldn’t possibly have thought he didn’t think about her that way, but he supposed hearing it so bluntly laid out for her was a different thing. It felt different to him too. His body was suddenly pulsing. But it didn’t really matter how his body responded to her, and it physically pained him to keep talking, because he knew what he said would likely hurt her in some way.

“But I feel guilty when I think about those things. I feel like I’m cheating on my wife.”

Her eyelids fluttered almost imperceptibly at hearing that. She was disappointed. He was disappointed in himself.

“I don’t want to feel that way. Not about myself. Not about you.”

Her lips started to twitch as she tried to force herself to smile. He’d spent so many years studying people—their behavior, how they tried so hard to show the world only what they wanted the world to see. As open and honest as she could be, she was really no different—at least not in this moment. He knew even without seeing her thoughts that she wanted him to think she didn’t care. It was defensive, and he was responsible for it. She was trying to hide the hurt from him, and all he wanted to do was take it away.

“Joss…” He more breathed out her name as he spoke, and he could feel the crease between his brows as he looked at her. It was painful to hurt her feelings and embarrass her, and because she didn’t understand how much it was his fault and his problem, she couldn’t realize there was nothing to be ashamed about. The shame belonged solely to him.

“No. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not something I should be thinking about either really.” She shook her head tersely, trying to shake off the comment as though it were nothing. It seemed entirely too cold for her cheeks to blush, but he watched as they reddened. “Umm…” Her face scrunched up in an awkward way that he thought might just be some misplaced attempt at levity as she blew out a huff of breath. But he wasn’t missing just how horribly uncomfortable she was. “You know I think Harper and I are going to go ahead and go.”