The Final Note (DJ Series Book 1) (21 page)

“So it’s you or the music?” Dayton croaks and I shake my head.

“No, baby. It’s all music.”

He pulls me harshly to him, pressing my cheek to his chest and I bite my lip until it hurts, squeezing my eyes closed and trying to memorise how it feels to be held by him. He grips a bunch of my hair and kisses the top of my head. “But I need you, Alannah.”

“I need you, too. Take me home.”

And he does. Without a word to anyone we leave Lexis and go back to the flat. I see the place through fresh eyes and I cannot imagine him not being here. Seeing our pop art portrait on the wall now hurts and I resent the weekend away for pulling us apart so savagely. “I’m not giving this place up. You’re welcome to stay here when I leave.” His voice is quiet and I don’t want an answer to my next question but I have to know.

“When do you leave?”

“Whenever I’m ready. Mark owns some property in Clerkenwell that I’m going to rent. I’ve told them I’ll see them Thursday so I have a little time to settle before my first set on Saturday. I start work with Jimmy the following Monday.” He talks about it like he won’t love every minute of it and when he meets my eye he can see I’m going to crumble. He moves quickly to me before I drop, all my strength leaving me as I begin to weep. “Please, Alannah. Don’t do this. I can’t stand to see you like this knowing it’s all my fault. I can’t go and leave you. I want you with me.”

I wipe at my eyes and he produces a tissue from god knows where and I wipe my nose and look up at him. My whole body is trembling and I feel cold. “I can’t go with you. I wish I could but my world is here. London was amazing, for the weekend, but that’s it.”

“But what about me? I’m a part of your world, too.” His eyes tear up and I can’t stand to see the pain I’m inflicting upon him. Why can’t he hate me instead? Throw me out? Tell me to go to hell? I know a part of me is pissed off with him for leaving, sure, a part of him is pissed with me for refusing to join him?

“You are my world, Dayton. Just as I am yours, but it’s not enough to stop you from leaving. Just as it’s not enough to make me leave.” I swipe at my eyes. “This is killing me, Dayton.”

He clears his throat and nods. “Me, too. If you’re adamant you won’t come with me then we have just four days together.”

“No, we don’t. Dayton, you leaving is going to rip me to shreds. I can’t be here to watch you pack up and go. I start work on Monday. I’ll be busy during the day. I think it’s pretty safe to say tomorrow is our last day. I won’t prolong the agony, for self-reservation reasons.”

“So that’s it? We have tonight?” He looks astounded and I nod. If this is ending I need to get home and let my heart break. “I love you, Alannah. If we only have tonight then I’m not going to waste a minute of it standing here talking.”

He sweeps me up and kisses me, hard. We’re both too choked up to talk so we use our mouths to try and temporarily heal each other’s hurt. He carries me to his bedroom and lays me on the bed. We can barely pull ourselves apart to undress. Once I lay beneath him in nothing but my new thong he seems to fall to pieces before my eyes and I feel his tears drip onto me.

“Don’t, Dayton, don’t. Just love me,” I demand, pulling his mouth back to me. He moves south, laying wet kisses down my body and as much as desire blazes white hot and bright, it’s secondary to the explosive feeling of love, loss and fear. My heart swells in my chest until it hurts and I fill with an overwhelming and engulfing need to be near him, with him and to savour every single second of it.

I tip my head back, revelling in the feel of his mouth on my body and his hands trailing across the sensitive skin on the inside of my thighs. My tears trickle down and I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping Dayton can’t see them. I can hear his breathing and I know he is struggling to hold it together. He covers me, kissing me deeply as he enters me. I gasp and he kisses my bottom lip, shushing me and soothing me whilst desperately trying not to cave in to his own emotions.

He holds my head gently in his hands and slowly moves within me. I’ve never felt so connected to him and when I open my eyes he swims into focus through my tears, he is watching me. I look deep into the wells of his eyes, seeing my love reflected back at me and although there are no words, we are baring our hearts and souls to each other.

“I love you so much it hurts,” he whispers and I put my finger against his mouth, I don’t want him to start his goodbye yet. We have all night.

The room is silent apart from our gasping breaths, our moans of pleasure and when we reach our climax it’s more than an orgasm. It’s a meeting of hearts, a bind of souls and the shattering of our dreams. It’s trading silent promises of never forgetting. They’re silent goodbyes said only with our eyes and bodies.

I watch the sun rise through the blinds and I mentally curse the clock for ticking, stealing my time with him. He’s laid on his back, eyes closed but I’m not sure if he’s sleeping. I’m repeatedly running my fingertips through his fringe, watching his cowlick flick his fringe right back into place, over and over. I examine his face in detail, casting every last inch of his profile to mind, not wanting to forget a single detail.  His chest slowly rises and falls in a peaceful rhythm and I listen to his breathing and feel the tired lull pull on my eyelids but I curse myself. I don’t want to miss a beat of tonight. I lay my head on his chest and absorb his warmth.

The thought that this will be my last night in his arms hurts and no matter how hard I try to stop them I feel the tears well and fall onto his skin. My throat is so thick I can barely breathe and I feel his hand come down on top of my head, stroking over my hair. He shushes me and I squeeze my eyes closed.

When I wake again he is laid propped up on his elbow, watching me. I blink and smile but then the reality comes crashing in on me and the smile slowly dries on my mouth, melting away and without a word he pulls me to his chest. I can hear his heart pounding in his chest, a heart of gold. I hate that I have to lose my dream of a future with him for him to realise his dream career. I gulp and pull back to look at him. “Breakfast in bed?”

Dayton smiles, laying a soft and lingering kiss on my mouth. “You’re all I want,” he whispers before rolling me onto my back and covering me.

By four o’clock I know that it’s time I leave and I see the pain in his eyes when he comes to the car with me and presses me against it. “Don’t go. Stay with me tonight?”

His eyes are pleading and begging me. I bite my lip, shaking my head. “I can’t. I have work tomorrow. I can’t bear to see you off on Thursday so this is my goodbye, baby. Go rock London. Show them how we Mancunians do it.”

He smiles but it soon fades. “There’s
nothing
I can do to change your mind?”

I have to stop myself from asking him to stay, screw London and Epic Records, they’re not worth the hurt. Instead I shake my head that there isn’t. “There’s nothing. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

He brushes the hair away from my face before kissing my eyes and I can see he is choked up. I grab his face and pull his mouth to mine, trying and failing to put a million kisses into this final one. When I break away his eyes slowly flutter open. I run my finger down his face and he grabs my hand, slipping a ring onto my finger. It’s identical to his and I see we’re both wearing matching musical note rings, only mine is golden. I open my mouth to speak but he puts a finger against my mouth and shakes his head.

“I’ll always love you, sweetheart, no matter where you are or where I am, I’ll always be thinking of you.” He swallows hard and I can’t stop the tear that slips down my cheek.

“I’ll always love you more, so much more,” I croak before he kisses me, softly, lovingly and when he breaks off he opens the car door for me. I take a deep breath, sucking up every ounce of energy and strength I have to drive away. I slide into the car and close the door. I look up at him through the window and he has his arms wrapped around himself as though he is bracing himself from the cold. I bite the inside of my mouth until it hurts then I put my seatbelt on, start the car and put it into first gear.

I wave and give him a little smile that I don’t feel, he waves back and steps back, leaning against his fence. I pull away with a heavy heart, refusing to let myself look in the rear view mirror. I know once I get home I’ve got to open up the flood gates and feel every little bit of my loss and I know it’s going to break me.

Sure enough as soon as I get to the privacy of my room I crumble; I break and fall. I sob, my body shaking and racking with the tsunami of tears that flood out of me. How will I live without Dayton? How will I function? My loss is all consuming and body numbing. I cry until I feel sick. I hate the numb feeling. I would rather hurt than feel empty and hollow. I lay on my bed, reliving so many memories. I lay for hours, my eyes vacantly staring at the ceiling, seeing nothing, but in my mind I clearly see Dayton in Luke’s kitchen, sitting opposite me at La Bella Luna. I see me laid with him staring at the moon. I can see me laid watching the sunrise with him out of that same window. I see him playing at Lexis, I see him playing at Sphinx, the clubbers a sea of green spread out before him. He has his arms in the air, his head thrown back. I don’t think I have ever seen him so happy.

I remind myself that that is what I’m giving him, that happiness, his dream. He is going to be living that now. He is going to be happy. Sure, it won’t be easy for him to leave but he will soon have too much around him to let him sit moping over me. Okay, so I have a new job to keep me going, too, but it won’t stop me missing him constantly.

I run a hot bath to soak but I find it just reminds me of us bathing together at The Dilston and I shiver internally. Everywhere I look I see memories of him. After a bath I put my iPod on to break the suffering silence but every track reminds me of him. The Script - Breakeven starts to play and the lyrics are poignant. I cry and I cry until exhaustion gets the better of me and I sleep.

The alarm wakes me the next morning and I force myself to shower, letting the tears fall in disguise, telling myself these are the last I will cry today, at least, until I get home from work. My phone chimes with a text and when I see it’s from Dayton I choke back a sob.

I just wanted to wish you luck on your first day in your new job. I miss you already. xXx

I know how he feels and he hasn’t even left Manchester yet. I hit reply.

Thank you. I miss you, too. xxx

I dress quickly and twist my hair up into a chignon. Checking my eyes in the mirror I see they’re red and puffy. I repair as much damage as possible with make-up and decide to go with the excuse of hay fever. I go out to the car and start the short journey, putting my professional armour on and refusing to think about the world of pain waiting for me back home.

I’m greeted by the same secretary who booked me in for my interview. “Morning, Alannah. I’m Violet. I’ve been asked to show you around this morning. Shall we start with the canteen with a nice cup of coffee?” She gives me a warm smile and I nod, grateful for a caffeine boost to perk up my drained body. “Is this your first office job?”

I follow her down the corridor to the canteen door which she pushes open to a basic looking kitchen with a large table and chairs. “Yes, it is. I’m a pretty quick learner though so hopefully I won’t be too much of a drain on you.”

“Oh, no bother. We’re a very friendly bunch here and I’m sure you’ll find your feet soon enough, but if there’s anything you’re unsure of you can always ask me or Rhiannon. All the staff are on first name terms, well, except for Mr. Fox. Although you will sporadically see snippets of the real man behind the legal machine that he is.”

“I’ll remember that, thanks.”

“The solicitor you’ll be secretary to, Frank Stocks, he’s a great guy. Total workaholic but aren’t they all?” Violet giggles and I smile, a genuine smile. I already know I’m going to like her and we sit chatting over a much needed cup of coffee. Rhiannon joins us and we even crack open a packet of biscuits which I’m secretly pleased about because I forgot to eat this morning.

After a guided tour around the building the day starts. I find I’m happily distracted by reception duties and taking notes for Frank. Lunchtime soon comes around and I see they have a rota for lunch trips, today is Violet’s turn and we place our orders from Subway. After a quick sub and giant cookie in the canteen I kill a couple of hours of proofreading and audio typing. The day passes in a distracted blur and I find the break from the hurt refreshing. I’m hoping it stays this way, work being a break from my pain. Maybe Fox, Merchant and Co will be my respite? I can only hope.

That night I dream of him. We’re in Buile Hill Park, laid on the grass in the middle of a huge rainstorm and the lightning is flashing across the sky as he kisses me. The thunder rolls across the heavens as he makes love to me. We are so cocooned in our own little bubble the rain can’t touch us. I wake with a contented feeling which melts as reality slams into me anew and I escape to the shower to let my tears fall.

Again, work is a distraction from my pain but as I’m working I find flashes of the dream slamming unbidden into my mind. When I get home I force myself to eat an omelette but I have no appetite. I can’t read because my brain won’t soak up the words. Just when I feel like my head is going to explode with racing thoughts Mum calls me and I pop my head out onto the landing. “Corrine is here. Shall I send her up?”

“Sure.” I go back to my bed and plop down, waiting for the inquisition master to enter. When she does it’s with a timid smile which I return, refusing to let the already threatening tears fall.

“So, why do I have to hear through Ross and Macy that you’re not going to London?” She quirks her eyebrow before plonking down next to me. I shrug.

“Because I’m not capable of talking at the minute. Every time I do this happens.” I point to the single tear and Corrine pouts, swiping it away.

“You really won’t go?” I shake my head. “He says you refused to see him after the weekend. Why?”

“Self-preservation reasons. It’s killing me, Cor. I can’t watch him prepare to leave.”

“So you aren’t coming to his farewell get together tomorrow? Luke arranged it, we’re all meeting in Zetters at 8 o’clock.”

“I can’t. But you kiss him for me and tell him I said he can collect up the knickers this time.” I laugh but it turns into a sob. Just the thought of him with all the hot women throwing themselves at him rips my heart to pieces.

Corrine holds me, letting me cry it out.

Wednesday night I lay crying, imagining him in Zetters with the rest of our clubbing family. I wonder if they miss me? If they mention me? I wonder if Dayton is missing me as much as I’m missing him? Part of me is tempted to go to him, for one last night, but I bottle it up. I know I won’t be able to see him leave in the morning. I just hope work is busy tomorrow to keep me from constantly thinking about him, making that long drive to London without me.

I’m laid staring at my ceiling again, wishing for sleep to come and take me back to the world where we make love in the park, sheltered from the storm. My phone starts to ring and I see it’s after midnight. My heart leaps when I think it could be Dayton but when I check it’s a number I don’t recognise. I answer the call.

“Alannah?”

“Speaking. Who is this?”

“It’s Luke. I stole your number from Gemma, I hope you don’t mind?”

I’m surprised to hear from him but I tell him I don’t mind. “Is everything okay?”

“No. It’s Dayton, he’s fine, don’t panic. No, actually he’s not fine. He’s fucked up, Lana. He says he’s not going tomorrow.”

“What? Of course he is.” I’m gripping the phone so tight my knuckles turn white.

“You didn’t hear him tonight. He looked like he was at a funeral at that party and after a few drinks he finally broke and told me he can’t do it. He needs you, Alannah. You know it’s you that’s stopping him from going.”

“I’m not. I’ve told him to go, Luke.”

“Without you!” I roll my eyes, not impressed with his tone but I soften when I realise he is doing this because he knows it’s what Dayton should be doing. He has to go to London. Luke is just looking out for Dayton.

“Look, Luke, I’m
not
going to London but Dayton is. I’ll drive himself if I have to.”

“Just remember you said that tomorrow. You know as well as I do that if Dayton doesn’t do this thing he will live to regret it and you’ll never live with yourself for being the reason he didn’t go. You have to fix it, Alannah.” He’s deadly serious and I nod, swallowing hard.

“I will, Luke. I promise, I will.”

We end the call and I lay back and think about what he said. He’s right, every word of it. I realise as much as I hate the idea of Dayton in London without me, it’s
got
to happen or none of us will live with ourselves.

I don’t sleep until the sun rises and when the alarm wakes me I shower quickly, no tears fall this morning. I think I’ve cried all I can, the hurt is internal now, eating me up from the inside. Well, I thought there were no more tears, until I go out to the car and see Dayton’s Evo parked behind my Focus. He gets out and comes towards me with a weak smile. His hands are up in surrender.

“Before you shout at me, I know you said you didn’t want to see me but I couldn’t stay away a minute longer. I’ve thought long and hard about things and I’ve decided to call it off. I’m not going.”

I slap his chest, a sudden burst of anger filling me. “Don’t you dare do that to me, Dayton Scott. Do you hear me? You’re not ditching this contract, not because of me. Do you have any idea how that will make me feel? How you would feel?”

“I’d be relieved, it would mean I could stay here with you.”

I shake my head and poke him in the chest. “You would hate me, you would permanently resent me for being the reason you let everything slip away. I was there with you in Sphinx, Dayton. Orgasmic, remember? That’s yours for the taking now you will damn well take it. You got that?”

He is obviously taken aback by my harsh words and he frowns, taking my wrists and pulling them down by my sides. He looks deep into my eyes and I meet his cold eyes with my own. He narrows his eyes, trying to fathom me out. “No.”

I try to break out of his hold but he has a tight grip on me. “Fuck you, Dayton. I’ll drive you myself. Now go.”

“Why? It will only hurt us both.”

“Do you honestly think our relationship would survive if you stayed? Both of us bitter, we’d soon learn to bite chunks out of each other, trying to even up the score. Let me go, Dayton.”

I yank my hands free and I step away from him, my breathing ragged and panting.

“Alannah, you don’t know it would be like that. I could never hate you. I love you.” He seems calmer and I swipe the hair out of my eyes, turning my back to him because I hate the pleading look in his eyes. The vulnerability in him is torturous and every selfish part of my brain is telling him to stay, but my heart knows he has to go.

“I love you, too, Dayton, so fucking much it hurts. I love you so much I can’t stand to see you now. You remember that recording of Regina arguing with me?” He nods. “I meant what I said Dayton. I love you enough to let you go. Staying is no longer an option because I swear, God strike me dead here and now, if you stay I will never forgive you or myself.”

He can’t answer, he searches for words and he looks so lost I go to him, taking his face in my palms and looking deep into his eyes. “Get your sexy ass in that car and you go get that dream. There are memories to be made, Dayton, so go do it.”

He looks torn and I see the indecision in his eyes, the uncertainty pulling him in both directions and I know I have to make this choice for him. I pull his mouth to mine, kissing him hard, determined to show him that I love him enough to let him go. He returns my kiss, holding my face as I hold his and the kiss turns bruising, desperate. I have to break it off and without another word I turn and jump into my car, not looking back, I start the drive to work with tears streaming down my face, knowing I’ve just had to kiss my dreams goodbye so he can realise his.