The Final Piece (26 page)

“Breathe, Beth. Slow. Come on, breathe with me, baby.”

I pace myself against his steady breathing, drawing air deep into my lungs. I slip my arms around his back and nestle my head against his chest.

“I thought Drew was someone back in Charlotte, I thought you were...Jesus, I feel like an asshole.”

“Ry, please believe me. I was going to tell you when you came back to the house anyway. I never intended to keep this from you,” I plead.

“Is that what you’ve been running from all this time?” He strokes my hair, “Why, Beth? When you know how much your family loves you. Why? We could’ve helped you.”

“Tommy knew everything, so do Gran and Pops. My folks know to a point, but they couldn’t handle all of it,” I spill.

“Do I know everything, Beth? Do you trust me with all of it?” I can’t control the way my body tenses with his question.

“Of course I trust you,” I answer, taking a step away from him.

“Then why are you backing away? What are you holding back?” He looks at me with pained eyes.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I stare at my feet and wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to hold it together.

“I want everything, Beth. All of it. I love you, and I want to share your burden. You don’t have to carry this one alone anymore.” He reaches for me and I wince. His face falls along with the arm he extended.

“No, you don’t. You don’t know what you are saying.” I whisper. My body shakes so violently, my knees buckle and I hit the ground.

“I know I love you, damn it,” he kneels in front of me, “that means I want you, Beth, all of you, not just the fucking pieces you want me to see.” His temper is back but it’s no match for mine.

“What, Ryan? What exactly do you want to know? Well, let’s see, there was that time when I was five that he told me I was beautiful when I accidentally flashed my underwear. Or the time when I was nine and he showed me that if I rubbed myself just right, I could make myself come. Only to be rivaled by the time he showed me how to rub him the right way to make
him
come.” Ryan runs his hand through his hair, pulling it like he wants the pain. “Or do want to hear about when I was twelve, and he told me how much he loved me right before he raped me? Don’t shy away now, Ryan. This is what you wanted, right? Do you know he tried to tell me that it was consensual because he made me have an orgasm? Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have your body betray you like that?” I am shouting at this point, and tears are dripping down both of our faces. Ryan’s shoulders shake as he sobs; I am ashamed. It’s so ingrained to push people away. I scoot forward until our knees are touching and pull his head into my lap. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Ryan lifts his red-rimmed eyes to mine and stares at me in disbelief. “Don’t ever be sorry, Beth. I’m not. The way I hurt right now has nothing on what you’ve been through. No wonder Tommy kicked his ass, he should have killed that motherfucker.” I shudder at the déjà vu.

“He wanted to. He told me that he had dreams of killing Drew and always woke up wishing he had. It scared him that he felt that way.”

“You’re amazing, do you know that?” It’s my turn to look disbelieving at Ryan’s statement. “You’re so damn strong it blows me away, but you’re never carrying this alone again. Okay?” I look at him, incredulous. “Beth? Talk to me.”

Images of Ryan pouring over the letter I wrote Tommy flash in mind, inciting my anger.

Okay?

No. Not okay.

The wind picks up my hair and fans it across my face, hiding me from him. Betrayal rips through my chest as I stand and walk away. There are no words for how painful Ryan’s duplicity hits me. I’m furious. I’m mortified. I’m heartbroken that he would read my letter in the first place. To read it and then jump to the most morally reprehensible conclusion is devastating.

“Beth, stop.” Ryan runs in front of me and puts a hand out to stop me. I refuse to look at him and move to sidestep him. As soon as I move, he blocks me and when I try the other direction he blocks me again. In a rage of fury, I plant my hands against his chest to shove him out of my way. He grips my forearms, trapping me, “Damn it, Beth, stop.” I rip my arms free and beat his chest with closed fists.

“
You fucking Judas
.” I yell, “How could you read it? What gave you the right? Did it even occur to you to ask me first, you asshole?” Ryan grabs my flailing arms, trying to pull me to his chest, “Let me go,” I wail.

“I can’t,” his voice is thick with misery.

“Why? You clearly don’t think very much of me if you think I could sleep with you while I was with someone else. And Drew? What the hell, Ryan? There was nothing about that letter that even remotely suggested that he was my boyfriend.” I pant.

Ryan drops his hands as his chin hits his chest. The adrenaline coursing through my veins triggers my brain into action. Fight or flight? I turn away from Ryan and take off running.

Chapter 44

The cold air chaps my cheeks as I dip and dodge between houses and back alleys to reach Gran and Pops. I don’t dare run the five blocks along the sidewalk, knowing that Ryan is in hot pursuit. When I ran from the park, it took all my willpower to keep going when he yelled for me, begging me to stop. Tears sting against my reddened skin when the house comes into view. My legs burn as they hit the pavement in the final sprint across the street. Tires screech around the corner from the bottom of the hill. Without slowing, I glance to see Ryan’s truck eating up the pavement toward Gran and Pops’. I take the front steps two at a time and slam the front door closed behind me.

“Gran?” I pant. “Pops?” I sag in relief when no one answers. My breath hiccups with my cries as I crawl up the stairs to my room. When I reach the top landing, I hear the front door.

“Beth?” Ryan shouts.

“Go away, Ryan.” I attempt to sound stern, but I sound as dejected as I feel. Turning the corner, I head into my bedroom and close the door. I flatten my back against the wall and let my sobs consume me as I slide down the magnolia wallpaper and cradle my head against my knees.

“Beth, please,” Ryan’s stricken voice floats through the door. When I don’t answer, he cracks the door. I can hear him shuffle into the room, but I don’t lift my head. Whether it’s exhaustion or avoidance, I just can’t look at him, it hurts too much. He thought Drew was my lover. Bile rises in my throat, threatening to upend my stomach. I read my letter over and over in my mind, trying to find the words that suggested anything but contempt and loathing for Drew. Maybe I can’t see it. Perhaps the damage is so deep-seeded that something obvious enough to hurt Ryan would be undetectable to me.

No. I’m not that damaged.

In this moment, I hate Ryan for making me doubt myself but the gnawing ache in my chest disagrees. I’m hurt and I’m angry because I love him. I bared it all, the ugliest parts of my past, and he ripped out my heart at the first hint of misunderstanding. Worse than that, he was so consumed with his own rage that he failed to see how reading something so deeply private would affect me. I guess it was just easier to believe I was a whore. It’s true, what they say, the people we love the most hurt us the most. Humiliation swallows me whole as tears show my weakness, shaking my shoulders. All I want to do is walk away with my dignity intact, but I’m trapped between loving Ryan and fearing what loving him will do to me. 

“I need you to hear me, please,” Ryan begs,” when Rob and I went to the memorial, we packed everything into boxes and took it back to The Cantwells. We sorted through everything to make sure the things worth saving could go into a memory box. I went through several notes before I got to yours and when I started reading, it didn’t connect. You didn’t even sign your name, you signed it ‘B.’ I read it again and realized the little girl named ‘B’ was you. I was confused. I was a total prick. Yell at me. Hit me.
Something.
Just don’t shut me out. Please, Beth. Please.”

I try to block out his pleas and explanations because anger is easier than hurt. What he is saying makes sense and while I can understand why he was upset, it’s hard to grasp just how quickly he had me spiraling to the bottom. There I stood circling the drain, ignoring his betrayal to make sure he felt better. The people pleaser in me is relentless, even during the most tumultuous times. I don’t want to live my life constantly worried whether the next argument will destroy me. I lift my head high enough to rest my chin on my knees. Ryan is on his knees in front of me looking pitiful. His hair is a disheveled mess from him yanking at it. His eyebrows are stitched together above murky green eyes that slay me with their suffering. I can’t articulate what is searing my soul; he’d never understand.

“The first time I saw you, I mean
really
saw you was in the foyer at Gran and Pops’.” His eyes lock with mine as he continues, “I was so pissed off because Tommy was considering postponing our trip to the lake. When I saw you leaning against the wall, I thought you were just being nosy until I got a good look at your face. You were fourteen years old and you looked like you were a war veteran. Your face was pale and your eyes were empty, the only sign of life was this crinkle on the top of your nose.” He brushes the bridge of my nose with his knuckle. “It was the only marker that you were still inside that shell and it was there because you were worried about Gran, Pops and Tommy. I never felt so small than I did in that moment, until now. I did what I always did when I wasn’t sure what to do, I teased you. When you turned those eyes on me, you bowled me over. That broken little girl I saw knocked me on my ass with one look. You were fierce and determined not to let me best you. Hook, line and sinker, Beth. In that moment, I was already yours.” He pauses to see if I’ll say something, when I retain my silence, he continues, “You slammed the door in my face and I swear, I stood there like a moron with my jaw on the floor.” He smiles at the memory, and despite myself, I feel the corner of my lips twitch. “I didn’t know what to do, I only knew that I wanted to be the one you turned to. When I found you in the cherry tree talking to yourself, all I wanted was to climb up that tree to be near you.”

“I wasn’t talking to myself, I was cursing you,” my voice is lower than a whisper, but Ryan’s face lights up with hope, nonetheless.

“Do you remember what I said?” he prompts. I don’t want to remember, I don’t want a reason to back down. “I said you could trust me,” his voice cracks on his words. “You still can, Beth. I screwed up, but I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry I betrayed you. I had no right to read that letter.”

“I can’t do this, Ry. I’m sorry,” I whimper.

“Do you love me?” his breath hitches.

“Yes,” I sob, “I love you, and you made me doubt everything. You made me wonder what in the hell I said to make you think I was involved with someone who sexually abused me for eight years. Damn you, Ryan, you’re the only person who’s ever made me forget and you thought…” He cuts me off.

“
I didn’t know
. There was no way I could’ve known what Drew did to you and when I saw his name in that letter I flipped out. I was a jealous asshole. If I had known, I would’ve never...I want to
murder
that son of a bitch for what he did to you, and it makes me
sick
that I made you question yourself. “ He sweeps my hair behind my ear. “I fucked up, Beth. I’m so sorry.” Tentatively, he leans forward and kisses my forehead, “I love you, all of you. Every scar, every freckle... I love that you didn’t let your past stop you from chasing your dreams. Hell bent and beautiful, you’re my heart.”

“You hurt me,” I whisper, as I fight the urge to curl into his lap and drink in his comfort.

“If you let me, I’ll prove that you can trust me. I’ll do anything, Beth. Tell me what I can do to make you believe me.” He cups my face in his hands; I need to believe him more than I need to breathe.

“Tell me the truth,” I challenge.

“About what?” He looks at me curiously.

“The night of the bonfire, the last summer I was here,” I lock my eyes on his, “what were you thinking when you said ‘pretty’?’”

He looks down at his hands and blushes the sweetest shade of red my heart can handle. “I was thinking that you were so pretty with your eyes closed, swaying to the music. You were so alive, so far away from the broken girl in the foyer. I was so caught up in you—my thought came spilling out of my mouth. I wanted to die because it was in front of Tommy.”

He’s more honest and open than I have ever been. After all the mistakes I’ve made, all the people I hurt, I could never believe this was a lost cause. The fear of knowing that Ryan is capable of hurting me so deeply is sobering. Now that I have him, the thought of living without him is even more terrifying. In the end, there really is not a choice. I have been his since our first encounter under the cherry tree and, no matter how frightening, I know Ryan is worth the risk.

“This won’t be easy, you know. Just because we’ve wanted this doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. We’re going to have to be willing to fight for each other. There’s a lot we need to figure out and it’s not going to work if we handle things the way we just did.” I lean into his hands, savoring his touch.

“I’d do anything for you, baby.” He pulls me into his arms, and I hold onto him as tight as I can. I’m never letting go.