The Fine Line (31 page)

I remembered waking up briefly as I was wheeled into the ER and the chaos of people talking and prodding at me, just before I lost consciousness.  I remembered the ambulance.  I remembered the pavement digging into my forehead as I watched for any sign of…

Logan!

“Where’s Logan, Mom?”  My voice was stronger now but still not at a solid decibel.  “Is he okay?  Where is he?”

“Shhh, you need to worry about you right now, Livie.”  She gently rubbed my good arm. 

With all my strength, I slowly forced my body to a more upright position.  My movement was sloppy, and it gave me a massive head rush.  I didn’t care.  If she wouldn’t tell me, I’d find out for myself. 

“Olivia, stop it right now.  You are not getting out of this bed.” 

“Then tell me where he is.”  My voice quivered as the tears began to flow.  I was too weak to try to hold them back.  A million thoughts of what could’ve happened to him ran through my mind, and most of them scared the living hell out of me.

She and Jeff exchanged a concerned glance.  Jeff nodded to her, and she sighed.  “He’s in the ICU, sweetie.  He banged his head really badly, and they had to operate to relieve the pressure.  And he’s got some cracked ribs.  He lost a lot of blood…just like you.”  Her eyes moistened, and her face distorted as if she were about to break down. 

Jeff stepped in for her.  “He’s been unconscious.  At first, they kept him sedated, but he’s been weaned off the sedation since the swelling went down.  They just have to wait to see if…I mean, when…he’ll wake up.  You two were out there a long time before that girl called anybody…”

“Who are those
people
?” my mother interrupted.  “What are you involved in?”

Jeff placed his hand on her shoulder.  “Grace, not now.  Now’s not the time.” 

My mother and Jeff exchanged a few words, but I have no idea what they were saying.  All I could think about was Logan’s broken body. 

He must be in so much pain.

“Mom, I’m going to ask for your help right now.”  I interrupted the two of them, and they both turned their heads to face me.  “And I need you to say yes, no matter how much you want to say no.”

She met my eyes and nodded.

“I need to see him.”

Her lips pressed together in a compassionate smile, but her eyes were pure worry.  She hesitated for several long seconds before saying anything.  “Alright, sweetheart.”  

“I’ll go get a wheelchair.”  Jeff squeezed my mother’s shoulder and walked out of the room.

*

The elevator bell chimed as the door opened.  My mother pushed me through it and onto the carpeted hallway, towards the ICU.  Jeff had persuaded my nurse to cap my IV until I returned to my room.  After a check of my vitals, she agreed.  Satisfied that he had been able to help, he decided to stay behind, saying he had errands to run.   

We approached a waiting area where we saw Robert sitting in one of the chairs, reading a magazine. 

“Mom, that’s Logan’s stepdad,” I said.

She wheeled me to where he was sitting.  He lifted his head as we approached.  “Liv.”  His eyes moved to my mother behind me, and he stood to greet her.  “Grace.  Good to see you.” 

“Hello, Robert,” my mother replied. 

“You know each other?” I asked.

My mother put her hand on my good shoulder.  “We met last night in the ER.  When the police questioned us about…what happened.”

“How is he?” I asked Robert.  “Can I see him?”

Robert nodded.  “Jen is in there with him now.  He hasn’t woken up yet.  I’ll show you which room he’s in.” 

We followed him all the way down the hall, stopping at near the nurse’s station.  Robert knocked on the door.

“Only two visitors in the room at a time,” a nurse said from behind the desk. 

“Yes,” Robert replied, irritated.  “We’re aware of your rules.” 

“It’s for the good of the patient, sir.”

The door opened with Jen behind it.  When she looked down at me, she attempted a smile.  “Liv, I’m so glad you’re okay.  I’ll help you in.” 

Jen began to walk around me to push me in, but I didn’t want Logan to see me like this.  Helpless.

“Wait!” I said.  “I can walk in.  I want…”

“Not a chance, Olivia,” my mother interrupted.

“Mom, my legs are fine.  I’m walking in there. I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to deal with it.” 

After a few more argumentative comments and some exaggerated sighs, she agreed.  With the help of Jen and my mother, I slowly forced myself to a standing position, trying intently to hide my dizziness from them.  Jen held my good arm by the elbow and walked in with me. 

It took everything I had not to completely break down at the sight of him.  But it wasn’t because his face was completely swollen or bruised, as I had expected.  And it wasn’t because he was being kept alive by a ventilator tube coming out of his throat. 

In fact, I almost broke down because, in contrast to my fears, none of those things were there.  Actually, except for the gauze wrapped around his head, he kind of looked okay.  Like he was sleeping.  But he wasn’t asleep. 

With one hand still on my arm, Jen pulled a chair close to the bed and motioned for me to sit down.

“He had a subdural hematoma,” she informed me.  “They did a burr hole procedure to drain the blood.  His swelling went down pretty quickly, so they took him off sedation around lunch time today.”  She looked at him, concerned.  “He should be waking up.  I don’t know why he’s not waking up.”

“How long will it take?” 

“They can’t say.  Brain injuries are unpredictable.  All we can do is wait.”  She paused for a moment and looked at her son.  “You can hold his hand.  But his ribs are cracked, so be careful by his chest.” 

I nodded.  “Okay.” 

She looked at me with as much compassion as she could give under the circumstances.  “The neurosurgeon said it’s good to talk to him.  There’s a chance he can hear you…even if he can’t respond.”  Her voice cracked with those last words, but she quickly pulled herself together.  “He’ll wake up.  He has to.” She looked at him, then back at me.  “If you think you’ll be okay in here alone, I’ll give you two sometime together.”

I nodded.  “Thank you so much, Jen.”

She pulled the nurse call button from the end table and rested it next to Logan’s hand.  “If anything happens, or if you need anything, push this button.  I’ll be back in a little bit.” 

With that, she left the room, closing the door gently behind her. 

I stared at him for several long moments, not knowing exactly what to say or do.  Normally, if he were in bed sleeping, I would crawl up next to him, wrapping my legs around his and squeezing my arms around his body.  With his current condition, however, doing something like that would hurt him. 

I tried to take his hand but fumbled when my finger cast got in the way.  I settled on placing my palm over his hand and locking my thumb with his.  His chest rose up and down with each breath.  The look of peace on his face mesmerized me, and I couldn’t stop watching him, hoping for any hint that he might actually know that I’m here with him. 

“I’m here, babe,” I said gently.  “I’m okay.  They didn’t hurt me.”

No reaction.  Nothing.

My eyes began to sting as I continued to wait for the slightest twitch or movement.  Suddenly, the undesirable idea that he may
never
respond came to the forefront of my mind.  I quickly shoved that thought away.  Losing him was not an option I was willing to entertain. 

After several minutes of analyzing his motionless face, I finally spoke.  “You changed my life, do you know that?”

I waited, but still, nothing. 

Please wake up.

“I had no idea that unconditional love actually existed until I met you, Logan.  I never believed that any two people could actually be
meant
for each other…”  I hesitated for a second, unsuccessfully trying to hold myself together as I finished, “…like we are.”

I removed my hand from his to wipe my eyes, and I inhaled deeply to settle my nerves.  I took another look at his still, spiritless face.  I needed to be closer to him.  Grabbing the bedrail, I pulled myself to a standing position and closed my eyes, waiting for the dizziness to cease.  Finally, it did, even though my head continued to pound. 

Leaning with my hip on the bedrail, I brought my hand to his face and caressed his cheek with my thumb.  “You woke me up, babe.  When I was so numb to everything, you woke me up.  You make me feel things…wonderful things that I never knew existed.  You made me believe that love can withstand anything, and that we can have a future together.  You made me believe in us.  You’re always calling me an angel, but you’re the angel, not me.  It’s always been you.”

Still, no reaction.

Frustration crept into my system.  Even though it was irrational to feel that way, I was mad that he wasn’t reacting to me. 

“So you can’t leave me now.  It’s too late.  You have no choice.  You’re stuck with me.  You made a promise to me, Logan.  You said you’d never leave me, so you need to be strong now.”  My voice cracked.  “Because I can’t picture my future without you in it anymore.  When I try, it’s just…it’s...”  I tried to stay in control, but tears leaked out of my eyes.  “I just can’t picture it, okay?  I don’t want to.  Keep your promise to me.  You have to, babe, there’s no other option.  Please.”  

When his face continued to remain motionless, and my head began to pound so hard that I thought I might pass out, I sat back down and locked thumbs with him.  My head found a place on the bed, beside our hands, where it rested until I felt myself slipping into my dreams.  Dreams of us.  Together.  Happy.

Jen woke me after a while and persuaded me to return to my room.  I only agreed to leave Logan’s side when Jen told me that Lanie wanted to see him, and even then, I only stayed away for a half hour.  When I returned to my room for that brief amount of time, a police officer was waiting to question me.  With nothing to hide, I gave him all the details of what had happened. 

According to the rules of the ICU, only family members could stay overnight, which meant I was forced out of his room and into mine for the night.  Jen promised I would be the first to know if there were any changes.  Even though I wanted to stay awake to hear any news about Logan, sleep took me over the minute my head laid on the pillow of my hospital bed. 

I awoke at dawn, to an empty room, feeling ten times better than the day before.  The nausea and dizziness was still there but barely.  I slowly rose to a sitting position and tied the back of my gown while my head rush dissipated.  Regardless of how long it would take me to walk myself to Logan’s room, I was intent on doing so.  The halls were empty for the most part, and I stayed to the side, by the wooden wall rail. 

When I reached his room, I knocked quietly.  After listening for an answer, I opened the door and peeked in.  Except for Logan, the room was empty.  Jen must’ve needed a break.  I walked to his bed and watched him for several minutes.  Nothing in his face had changed since yesterday.  It was still blank.  I already missed his smile.  His eyes. 

I leaned down and pressed my lips gently on his forehead, letting them linger for a moment.

“I love you so much, Logan,” I whispered.  “Please wake up.”   

When he didn’t respond, I sat down in the chair beside the bed and took his hand.  I lifted it, gently kissing each fingertip. 

“Mmm,” he moaned.

He made a noise! 

I lifted my head and searched his face, which was still blank.  “Logan?”

His eyebrows moved slightly. 

My eyes widened, and I stood to get a better look at him.  “Logan?  It’s morning, baby.  Time to get up.”

He tried to breathe in deeply but stopped half-way through the breath, pulling his brows together.  “Ow,” he whispered. 

A half-laugh, half-sob came out of me.  “Careful, babe, your ribs are a little cracked.” 

It took a few moments for him to open his eyes.  When he did, his head turned to face me.  “You’re okay.” 

The corners of my mouth turned up.  “I am now.” 

Chapter Thirty-Four

Screams from the rides and the low pound of music thudding in the distance brought on a feeling of déjà vu.  A smile formed on my face from the thought of being right here, exactly one year ago.  I locked my arm around Logan’s as we walked through the grass to the lively festival. 

Logan had almost fully recovered, except for a slight delay in reflex, which only he and I noticed.  According to the doctor, there was a possibility that it would go away in time. 

By law, he hadn’t been able to drive since his head injury.  Since he hadn’t had any seizures, however, he could re-apply for his driver’s license next month. 

We were lucky.  Something changes when you defy death.  Life looks different.  Brighter.  You appreciate every passing moment, and you stop worrying about the future. 
“What if”
had officially been wiped from my vocabulary.

We had decided to move in together right after I graduated high school.  Aside from the few growing pains of getting used to living with a man, our relationship was stronger than ever.  I could deal with soaked, dirty dish rags left in the sink and greasy fingerprints on the door jambs, as long as I had him.

Hand in hand, we approached the beer tent, where Mel, Nat, Isaac, and Jess waited for us. 

“Isn’t this the same band that played last year?” I asked.

“You remember them, huh?” Logan replied. 

“I remember everything about that night.”

“All I remember from that night was your smile.  I knew I was in trouble the second you looked at me,” he grinned.

“Trouble? 
I’m
trouble?”

He laughed.  “Maybe we’re both trouble.  But together, we work.” 

The bouncer was someone I had never seen, but apparently, he knew Logan.  They exchanged head nods as we passed him and entered the tent. 

I spotted our friends on the dance floor and began to pull Logan towards them when he tugged me back.  Confused, I turned to face him.