The Fire Still Burns (19 page)

“I didn't willingly try to hurt you,” Brynn yelled back, face to face with Adam.  “You hurt me on purpose.”

“And you didn't?  What else do you call cheating on me with my best friend?  Having sex with my best friend
?
”

“I didn't have sex with your best friend,” Brynn screamed.  “He raped me!”

She slapped her hands over her mouth. 

Adam stumbled backward, the redness of anger seeped out of his face as his eyes coated over in shock.

“What did you just say?”

Chapter Twelve

Brynn fell to the floor, tears streamed down her cheeks.  Adam sat hard in the chair he’d left minutes before.  The room spun as he tried to collect his thoughts, but there were too many of them racing around inside his head.

Brynn.  Raped.  By Cal.

Raped.

Cal has to die.

No, Cal already took care of that himself.

Adam clenched his hands tightly together until his short nails sank into skin.
 
The little prick couldn’t even be man enough to take the ass-kicking he deserved.  He had to kill himself, robbing Adam of the chance to make him pay for what he’d done to Brynn.
 

Why would his best friend rape his girlfriend?  How was it possible that he hadn't known?  Why would Brynn marry…

The baby.

Oh, God
.

Adam sucked in air, and let it out slowly, wondering how he was going to make everything up to Brynn.  He'd thought she was low enough to cheat on him.  He should have known better.

Brynn was crumpled on the floor, crying as though she'd finally loosed the cork which had held everything inside her so long.  Adam bit the inside of his lip to brace himself against his own onslaught of raw emotions.  She'd been through something so tragic and he'd done nothing to help.  He hadn't been there for her at all.

Adam lowered himself to the floor, and crawled to her, wrapping his large arms around her small frame.  She jerked away but his hold tightened, pulling her so she lay with her back against his chest.

“Please let me hold you,” he whispered, unsure whether she needed to be held more than he needed to hold her. 

The tension left her body as she leaned against him, turning slightly so he could fully hold her, wrapping her in a cocoon of love.  Her warm tears left a trail down his chest, each deep sob that wracked her body sent a vibration through him.

It was pure torture hearing her cry, but he held on tightly, damning himself for not doing so when she’d needed him the most.

“When did it happen?”  Adam forced himself to ask the dreaded question once Brynn’s flood of tears dwindled down to a slow stream.

“The costume party.”  Her voice was muffled as her face remained buried against his chest.  He wondered if she could feel his heart stop at her revelation.  He’d been there dammit, and he’d let it happen.

“The fight was a diversion.  He attacked you while I was off stopping a fight.” 
Stupid fool!

“Yes.”

Rage intensified inside Adam as he recalled that night, the look on her face when he’d found her.  It had just happened and he hadn’t a clue. Why hadn’t she said something?

“You said you didn’t feel well.  I thought you were sick so I just took you home, leaving Cal there.  Why didn’t you tell me?  I would have made him pay.  Why didn’t you say anything?”

“He tricked me.  I was so young and naïve.  I thought it was my fault.  I didn’t know it was rape.”

Adam pulled back just enough to look into her red-rimmed eyes.  “I don’t understand what you mean by that.  How could you not know it was rape?”

~~~

Brynn let out a shaky breath, searching her mind for words adequate enough to explain her frame of mind on that ill-fated night.  How good of an explanation could she give?  She'd already revealed to Adam his best friend was a rapist.

Could she tell him his brother had planned the whole awful incident?  No, she decided as she looked into his eyes, which were still touched by concern despite the rage burning in the blue depths.  He’d suffered much already, knowing how Zeke had treated Rachel.  It was bad enough she’d been victimized by Zeke.  Adam didn’t have to be hurt by the man’s actions as well, especially when he had more to lose.  He actually loved him. 

“You know what it's like in this community, Adam.  We were never taught about rape or molestation growing up.  My whole sexual education was that bad girls did it, good girls didn't.  I was raised to believe that bad girls put out signals, and what happened to me that night only happened to girls who asked for it.”

“Brynn—”

“No, Adam.  I have to explain.  I've lived with this for far too long.”

He didn't say anything, only nodded as he loosened his hold to push back the hair hanging in her eyes.  She rose to walk across the room and kept her eyes averted, not sure she could handle whatever she might see in his gaze as she explained herself.

“I thought he was you.  It was so dark…and I'd had a few drinks…it didn't feel right, but I didn't stop it.  I ignored my instincts and let him…I let him do that to me.”  She heard Adam's sharp intake of air and focused her gaze on the floor, not wanting to see the look that went with that sound.  “When he was done and the lights were on, I realized what had happened, but I couldn't see it was rape.  I'd never said no.  I had let him.”

“You were tricked.”

“But don't you see?  I shouldn't have been!”  She turned her head toward him, pointing a finger toward her chest.  “If I was a decent girl, I would have known it wasn't you!”

In the next moment, Adam's arms were wrapped around her, and once again he held her tightly in a circle of protection.  “You blamed yourself.”

“How could I not blame myself?  I never said no.”

“You would have if you'd known it was him.  How were you supposed to know he would do such a thing?  He was our friend.  I should have never left you alone.  I'm so sorry.”

“Like you said, how could you have known?”

“I should have.  I should have protected you, but I never saw it coming.  Is that why you never told me?  Because I failed you?”

Brynn closed her eyes on a sigh. 
I knew he’d blame himself
.  “I was too ashamed to tell you.  In my heart I knew I hadn't wanted it, but I was confused.  I thought that because I hadn't said no, it wasn't rape.  I felt like I'd betrayed you.”

“Which is what I accused you of doing,” his voice full of anguish as he tightened his arms around her.

“I punished you for something that wasn't your fault, hurting you even more.”  He dropped his arms to his sides and stepped away.  “I don't have the right to hold you.  You have every reason to hate me.”

“Adam.”  She turned toward him as he walked away.

“No, Brynn.  You were right.  I slept with Stacy Willinger to hurt you, to make you pay, but you'd already paid.  You were raped.  I'd believed you capable of deceit when all the while you were an innocent victim.”

He raked a hand through his hair, balling the other into a fist, his gaze averted.  “You were going to tell me that day when you called, weren't you?”

“Yes.  I'd finally scrounged up enough courage.”

“Only for me to insult you and hang up.”  He looked at her and her insides turned to Jello as she took in the pain residing in his eyes.  “I wish I could take it back, I wish I could take it
all
back.”

“So do I.”

He nodded and dropped into a chair, leaning to rest his elbows on his knees.  “There are a couple things I don't get.”

“What?”  Brynn hoped she hid the fear coursing through her body.  She couldn't tell him everything, and feared the questions she sensed were coming.

“Why would Cal do it?  I never saw him as a person who could rape a woman, especially not a friend.”

“He was jealous.”  Brynn took a seat in the chair across from Adam, relieved he'd asked a question she could answer without giving away Zeke's involvement.

“He was jealous of our relationship?”  Adam frowned.  “I never even realized he was interested in you.”

“He wasn't.”  Brynn bit her lip as she saw confusion forming on Adam's face and pressed on, knowing she was about to throw the man for a loop.  “Cal was gay.  He didn't want me.  He wanted you.”

Adam sat stone-still, staring back at her with unblinking eyes.  The moment stretched on until finally, just as Brynn was about to give in to the urge to prod him with a stick to make sure he was still alive and functioning, Adam blinked.

“Cal was gay?”

“Yes.”

“Cal?  My best friend since preschool? The guy we grew up with, that Cal?”

“Yes.”

“No way.”  Adam sat back in the chair, his mouth agape.

“It's true.”

“And he was what?  In love with me?”

“Yes.  He'd settled for being your best friend, because he knew you'd never look at him the way he wanted you to.”

Adam shook his head  “I had no idea.  I know he never had any hot and heavy relationships, but I would have never suspected… Wait.  So he raped you because he didn't want us together?  Why would he want to have sex with you if he didn't like women?”

“I've come to learn that rape has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with power and vengeance,” Brynn explained with as few details as possible.

She couldn't tell him that Zeke had caught Cal kissing a man and had held the secret of his sexuality over him to force him to hurt her.  Or tell him about the mind games Zeke had played with his friend, bending him until he finally broke. 

“Why did you leave with him?  Marry him?”  His tone grew angrier as he continued.  “How could you do that, knowing what he'd done to you?  Why would you marry a gay man?”

“I was pregnant, you thought the worst of me and I was so scared.  The rumors of me being a whore were already flying because of the belief I'd cheated on you, and I knew it would only get worse once I started to show.”  Fear propelled her to explain quickly, knowing she'd never manage to get it out if she allowed herself time to think.

“I didn't want my parents to be more ashamed than they were, and I couldn't bear the thought of telling you I was pregnant.  I decided I'd leave town and get married. Cal agreed it was the least he could do, and we both wanted to cover up what happened that night, but Adam, I never married him.  I just didn't want my daddy to know the truth.”

Adam's eyes widened in surprise.  “You never married Cal?”

“No.  We left town together, and he helped me to get settled in L.A., but we never even lived together.”

“You let everyone think you'd gotten married.”  His eyes darkened, his mouth thinned into a hard line.

“I thought it would look better that way.  I didn't want to hurt my parents any more than I already had.”  She waved her hand in the air. “I figured being the backstabbing girl who'd left her boyfriend for his friend, his friend who she later married, looked better than being the unwed mother who'd just slept around and gotten knocked up.”

“But you were raped. If you'd—”

“I didn't see it that way.  Don't you understand?”  Brynn leaned forward.  “I felt like I was the one who'd done something wrong.  I didn't understand what rape was back then.”

Adam lowered his head, shaking it back and forth before running his hand the length of his face.  Moisture glistened in his eyes.  “I want so hard to understand,” his voice sounded strained.

“I know you were a victim and you were traumatized, but how could you have let me think you'd willingly left me for my own friend?  Thirteen years!  How could you have left me believing in that lie for so long?”

Brynn gritted her teeth together and struggled to keep her composure, knowing she'd never get through this if she gave in to the temptation to fall apart.  Her emotions were out of control, switching from anger to sorrow to shame, and everything in between.  What excuse could she give him to make it right for both of them?

Telling him that his own brother had orchestrated the entire incident would completely destroy him.  For the same reason, she couldn't tell him about the letter she'd sent him years later, which had never reached him, or about the calls she'd made, only to have those intercepted as well shortly before her phone number was blocked. 

All the people Adam had trusted in his life had hurt him, but she was the only one he knew about.  She'd hurt him by protecting him from the truth about the others, persecuting herself for something she'd been an unwilling party to, taking the blame for everything his so-called loved ones had done.  He had no clue, and because she cared more for his happiness than her own, he never would know the dark truth.  No matter how bad protecting him made her look.  It was so unfair she wanted to scream. 

“I was raped, Adam.  Raped!  Only I didn't realize it, so it was a hundred times worse.”  She abruptly stood from the chair, kicking it aside as she paced the floor, venting the anger which had been growing in her body like a cancer for over a decade.