The Five Stages of Falling in Love (8 page)

“It will have to be tomorrow night.”

I laughed, surprised by his enthusiasm. “Why’s that?”

“I have a date Friday.”

“
Oooh
, a date.
Who is the lucky lady?”

“Friend of a friend.
It’s only the second date.”

“So you’re nervous? I mean, obviously.” I plopped my chin into my hand and got a little more comfortable.

He shook his head at me like he couldn’t quite figure me out. “Why would I be nervous?”

“Because you want to impress her!”

“Why wouldn’t she be impressed with me?”

What a guy thing to say. “I honestly have no idea.”

He smiled at my sarcastic tone. “Should I be nervous?”

“Just don’t offer her Pop-Tarts.”

“Noted.”

We sat there for a few more minutes while I finished my wine. The quiet became easy and not forced.

I didn’t know if it was the wine or Ben, but I finally felt more contented with myself. Some of the racing of my mind and spirit settled and my lungs took easier breaths and my heart beat easier beats.

I had dreaded Ben coming over here, but now that the night was over, I was glad that he had.

“Thanks for the wine, Ben. I enjoyed our little chat.”

“Hey, me too.”

We both stood up and I walked him to the gate. He paused to say goodbye and I awkwardly shoved the wineglass toward him. “Or should I keep it and wash it?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked it. Why did I have to make a big deal out of a stupid glass? I shouldn’t have said anything.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll take it.”

“Thanks again.”

“Sure.” He hesitated a little bit longer and I started to lose whatever peace I’d gained.
“So, tomorrow night, then?”

“Tomorrow night?”

“For wine.
I thought… I thought you wanted to do this again?”

“Oh, I didn’t-”

“I just thought because the bottle was already opened and that way we could finish it. If you already have plans-”

“Ben, stop!” I held up my hand and laughed at the ridiculous turn our conversation had taken. “Tomorrow night is great. I’ll be here. Bring the wine! I’ll provide the glasses next time.”

His easy smile returned. “It’s about time you started pulling your weight around here.”

I stared at him in wonder. Was I really considering this? “Same time, same place, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

We finally parted ways. It wasn’t until I stepped inside my house that I realized I was smiling. I locked up and made my way to bed, thinking about Ben the entire way.

He really was adorable. I had probably judged him unfairly at first.

And that grin of his.

He was too good looking for his own good.

And single!

Sure, he had that date on Friday, but a second date wasn’t even exclusive territory yet.

There was obviously only one thing left to do: Set him up with my sister.

Chapter Eight

“I brought booze!” Emma called from the front door.

“How was study group?” I leaned over the kitchen island to catch a glimpse of my sister as she slammed the front door behind her.

“Long,” she sighed. “I didn’t think it would ever end! It’s Friday night. Don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives?”
 

I pulled the hummus from the refrigerator and finished setting up our dinner as
Em
swept into the kitchen in all her wild hair, grad-student,
bohemian
glory. She plopped two bottles of cheap Sangria on the countertop and flashed me a brilliant smile.

“That’s a hangover in a bottle.”

“When did you become such a snob?” She stuck her tongue out at me and went about retrieving two wine glasses from the dish drainer.

Since Ben Tyler introduced me to all of his fabulous wine
. I kept that thought a secret. I didn’t feel comfortable telling Emma about the last two nights or how Ben and I had started a friendship built on late night conversations and good grapes.

It felt wrong to say those words out loud. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for spending time with him.

During my entire marriage I had kept my distance from the opposite sex. I had never been tempted to be anything less than faithful to Grady and I had never wanted to give off the wrong impression.

It seemed a little strange that over the past ten years, I had never been alone with another man for long periods of time.
Unless it was Trevor, but he didn’t count.

It felt awkward to admit my new friendship with Ben to my sister.

No, that was wrong. I didn’t feel awkward… I felt guilty.

This friendship felt like a betrayal to Grady.

Nausea washed over me and I tried to ignore the disappointment that fizzed in my stomach. Disappointment because I’d let Grady down.

And disappointment because I would have to give up Ben and his good wine.

It shouldn’t be hard though. We’d spent two nights chatting; there wasn’t a whole lot of foundation there.

“Liz!” Emma shouted and I jerked back to the present. “Are you okay?”

I looked up and met her stormy blue eyes. I smiled weakly and tried to reassure her with a confident expression. “I’m fine.
Just thinking.”

“About Grady?”

Actually, for the first time in a long time, it was not about Grady. And that was more reason to end whatever this was with Ben.

Not that it was anything.

God, why did I keep doing that?

“Should we eat?” I knew that was a deflection, but I also knew my psych-major sister would allow it.

“Yes, I’m starving!” she groaned.

We settled in around the island and dug into the random appetizers I’d set out. Our mother had never been a very good cook, so Emma and I had learned to pick at food, rather than sitting down to full meals. With my own children, I tried to be better about serving complete dinners. But when
Em
and I got together we fell back into the routine of our childhood.

“Me too.”
I loaded up my plate with hummus, crackers, jarred bruschetta and some bread. I took a sip of the sugary sangria and decided I wasn’t that much of a snob.

“So Katherine took all of the kiddos?”

I nodded around a bite. “She picked up
Luce
and
Jace
right after naptime. She plans to keep them through lunch tomorrow.”

“That’s nice of her.”

“The kids were really excited.”

“It’s kind of weird though, isn’t it? I mean, it’s
so
quiet here.”

“Yes! I could not wait to have the night off, but now that they’re gone, I can’t stop missing them! There’s something wrong with me.”

Emma laughed and shook out her hair. “There is nothing wrong with you, Elizabeth. You’re just addicted to children. Okay… maybe that’s not exactly normal. But I’m sure with a little therapy and maybe we can get you some Xanax and-”

“Okay, stop!
You big brat.”
I gave her a dirty look and tried not to smile. “We just haven’t been apart very much over the last few months. I’m not used to having the house to myself.”

“Well, we’d better make the most of it!” Her blue eyes twinkled with the possibilities. “Should we turn on some rap music and dance around in our underwear? Or ooh! We could pop some popcorn and watch terrible TV that you would never turn on when your children are home!”

“Wow,
Em
, your ideas are truly inspired.”

She did not appreciate my sarcasm. “Alright, sister dearest, what’s your brilliant plan for the evening?”

A thought struck me. “Let’s go swimming!”

“Swimming?”

“My new neighbor has a heated pool! And he said I could use it whenever I wanted.”

“
The
new neighbor?”
Her eyebrows rose with interest.
“The hot new neighbor?”

“Ben,” I offered.

Her interest died and she crinkled her nose. “Right, Ben. But won’t it be weird if we just walk over there and jump in? What if he has people over?”

“He’s not there. He has a date tonight.”

“A date?”
She shook her head slowly like she had trouble figuring this out. “How do you know so much about his social life?”

“I’m playing nice,” I told her. The guilt swarmed again and I wondered if saying the words out loud would make it go away. Now it felt like I was hiding something illicit from her.
Which was ridiculous.
I needed to rip this Band-Aid off and face her judgment. “He helped me mow once and I’ve seen him a few times since then.”

“Oh,” she sounded honestly surprised. “That is nice of you.”

“I can be nice.”

She didn’t say anything.

“So do you want to go swimming? You can borrow one of my suits.”

“It’s heated?”

“It is! I’ve already been in it once, remember?”

“Sure, sounds fun! We’ll take our wine over there. Actually, it’s starting to sound amazing.”

By the time we finished picking at our dinner and put the leftovers away, we had finished the first bottle of sangria. We left the dishes and wandered upstairs to pick out swimming suits from my limited supply.

Emma wasn’t impressed with my offerings, but she found one that she deemed “could work.”

I slipped into my choice, a simple black two-piece, and couldn’t help but feel extremely naked. I stared at my body in the bathroom mirror and wrapped my arms around my middle.

I hadn’t been self-conscious about my image since high school. When I got to college I really grew into my own skin and decided to start loving who I was. Then I met Grady. If I had been okay with what I looked like before, his adoration for my body gave me a whole new sense of confidence.

Throughout our marriage, whatever insecurities I had never lasted long with his appreciative gaze and sweet, whispered words. He made me feel beautiful. He built up a confidence in me that I had hoped was unshakeable.

I didn’t want to be the kind of girl that found her value in other people’s words, and I didn’t think I was. But his constant reminding had made it easy.

I still had the same body; in fact, I was much more toned now than I had been in my marriage. I had been soft from happiness and four pregnancies. I hadn’t been fat, just soft.

Now, after months of running, my muscles were toned and my stomach had some definition. And yet, staring at myself in the mirror, I missed the easy way Grady made me feel sexy. I missed the way he would stare at me as if he couldn’t believe that I was real.

I could hold those memories close, but they could never do for me what his actual presence did.

“You look hot! Let’s go!” Emma smacked my booty, pulling me back to reality.

“I haven’t been in a swimming suit in a while.”

“I can tell.” Emma circled her bikini area and I had a mild, embarrassing panic attack. But I was fine. Whew. She cackled at my expense and then tugged on my arm. “Come on, Sasquatch, it’s just you and me.”

We left the house wide open and carried our towels barefoot across the lawn. Ben’s house stood completely dark and without signs of life. A twinge of nerves pinched inside of me that he might come home early. But I brushed it aside; he was the one that had extended the offer. After getting to know him the last two nights, I knew he wouldn’t care.

We walked through his back gate and spent a little time searching for a light.

“All of the switches must be inside,” I told Emma, finally giving up.

“Then I’m getting in! I’m freezing!” She walked to the side and slid in gracefully. I set my towel down on one of Ben’s loungers and walked over to the edge. She popped out of the water and splashed warm water on my legs. “It’s nice in here. Don’t be a baby.”

I dove into the deep end and felt the warm water wrap around my skin. My hair floated around my face and I felt weightless.

I came up for air and then dove under again. I closed my eyes and drank in the absolute darkness. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t have any kids to worry about for the night. And I had actually had a good time with my sister. We hadn’t spent the night weeping over my loss and the uncertain future. We’d just hung out and enjoyed each other.

Now submerged underwater, I drank in the isolation and let my heart seize with grief once again. It didn’t seem fair that I kept living while Grady didn’t. It didn’t seem possible.

I kept waiting for Grady to come back. I kept waiting for him to walk in the door and wrap me in his arms and promise me that everything would be alright now. I couldn’t let him go.

I didn’t want to let him go.

Letting him go meant acknowledging that he would never come back. And I just couldn’t. I needed him too much.

I loved him too much.

I kicked to the surface once again, desperate for air and escape. I couldn’t sink into those thoughts again. I couldn’t go there now or I would drown in them. The pool water felt especially poignant as I raced away from that dark place.

Emma reclined against the side and stretched out both of her arms to keep her body anchored. I swam in front of her and treaded water to stay afloat.

“This is really nice,” she murmured her approval, tipping her head back and resting it against the patio. “We need to take Ben up on his offer more often.”

“We can just hope he goes on a lot of dates.”

She picked her head up and looked at me. “Does he go on lots of dates?”

“How would I know? I just know he’s on one tonight.”

“Girlfriend?”

“I don’t think so. He said this was only their second.”

“So he’s still technically single?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Big house for a single guy.”

I laughed at my sister’s not-so-subtle inquiry. “He’s a lawyer.”

“
Oooh
, single and stable.
I like it.”

“I’m glad he meets your standards.”

“Have you seen him? He could be unemployed and live with his parents and he would meet my standards.”

I splashed her in the face, “Please don’t say that! You two would end up moving in with me and then I would have to take care of six children!”

“Liar.
You would love having a live-in babysitter.”

“Okay, that’s true.”

She grinned at me, but it faded some when she said, “You and Grady were poor in the beginning. You were still happy. It’s not about money with me.”

I cleared my throat and tried not to get overly emotional. “We were happy,” I whispered. I shook off some of that sadness and smiled, “But you’re more materialistic than me.”

It was her turn to splash me in the face.
“Am not!”

I pulled my arm back to splash her again when the patio lights blinked on and Emma and I were suddenly spotlighted in the middle of Ben’s pool. The patio door slid open and he walked outside, speaking in low tones to a gorgeous brunette with inhumanly long legs.

Humiliated and feeling obnoxiously frumpy, I made a squeaky sound and plummeted beneath the surface. Then I felt silly for trying to hide in the pool, which was obviously impossible, so I swam to the side and resurfaced.

“Liz?” Ben sounded incredibly surprised to find us in his pool.

“Hey, Ben.”
My skin burned with embarrassment. “Sorry, we were, um, going for a dip.”

“I can see that.” The mild irritation in his tone could not be misinterpreted.

I swatted my sister’s thigh to push her into action. She had been momentarily speechless and just as embarrassed as me. We swam for the ladder and pulled ourselves from the water.

There was just no subtle way to get out of the pool. I felt Ben’s eyes on me the entire time and couldn’t help but feel like a teenager caught red-handed. Emma and I moved to our towels quickly, neither of us making eye contact with Ben or his date.

“Liz, you don’t have to go. You and your sister are welcome to stay and swim. We were just going to have a glass of wine. We can do that inside.”

I whirled around and looked at Ben in his black pants and pressed blue dress shirt, holding a bottle of wine and two stemmed glasses. A wave of irritation rolled through me. I shook it off and forced myself to feel embarrassment again. “No, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect you to be home so early.” It was his date’s turn to blush. She took a step away from him and looked down at her pretty black stilettos. “I didn’t mean to say that you shouldn’t have come early. Or that you couldn’t come home early. I just, what I meant to say, was that I expected your date to last longer.” Oh, god. I slapped a hand over my eyes. “No, that’s not what I meant either. Obviously, your date is still going on. I… I… I’m going to stop talking now.”

“Probably for the best.”
I could hear the grin in Ben’s voice so I refused to look at him.

“Hi, I’m Liz,” I said to his date instead. She probably hated me by now, but I felt the need to explain my presence. Hopefully that would help Ben regain whatever footing I’d caused him to lose. “I live next door.”