The Five Stages of Falling in Love (9 page)

“Hi, Liz.
I’m Megan.” She reached out politely to take my hand. The towel hung awkwardly in front of me and when Megan took her hand away it was wet from mine.

“I’m Emma,” my sister said brightly when she shook Megan’s hand next.

“Hi, Emma,” Ben greeted in his smooth tone.

“Hi, Ben,” my sister giggled adding to my humiliation even more.

The four of us stood there rocking on our heels for another minute and the tension was painful. I finally met Ben’s dark gaze and pressed my lips together to keep from cringing from the force of it. A slow smile spread across his full mouth and I knew I was forgiven, but I still felt bad about this small interruption to his date.

“Well, we’ll get going!” I announced in a rush. “Ben, I’m so sorry! I should have thought ahead.”

He shook off my apology with a jerk of his chin. “
It’s
fine, Liz. I’m the one that offered my pool. Use it any time.”

“Thanks.” I started walking backwards. “Thank you.” Emma moved with me. We were almost to the gate.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night?” he called after me.

What?
I might have panicked when I replied, “I can’t tomorrow! We’ll talk. I’ll talk to you later.” Then I turned around and basically fled for my house.

Emma hurried to keep up with me. “Oh, god,” she groaned miserably. “That was so awkward!”

“I know!” I hissed. “I didn’t expect him to bring her home with him!”

Emma threw her head back and laughed. “That’s because you haven’t been on a second date in like fifteen years!”

“It hasn’t been fifteen years!”
Only twelve.
The difference between Ben Tyler and me punched me in the side and I lost my breath. He was on a second date and hoping to get lucky. I would never be in that position again. He was at the very beginning of his love life and I had watched mine wither and die. He was free to date whomever he wanted and I had buried the greatest love of my life.

I stumbled in the cool grass, nearly crippled by the weight of that realization. Emma was in the same place as Ben, but for some reason it had never bothered me when I thought about her dating life or future with a man.

Ben’s differences stood out painfully from mine. He spotlighted the finality of my husband’s death and the depressing loneliness I had to look forward to from now on.

Ben would eventually find a girl, maybe Megan, fall in love, get married and go on to live in blissful matrimony.

From this moment on I would grieve
Grady,
there would never be anything else for me.

“Liz, what was Ben talking about? Why did he want to see you tomorrow night?”

I looked at my beautiful, young, carefree sister and desperately wished I could trade places with her for just a few hours. I closed my eyes against the agony of my grief for just a moment before I met her curious gaze. “No reason,” I told her hoarsely.
“Just neighbor stuff.”

“Sure, neighbor stuff.
Because that’s a thing.”

I didn’t say anything and she didn’t push me. Emma always knew when not to push me. We dried off and put on our regular clothes again. The rest of the night was spent drinking the second bottle of sangria and watching reality television.

And I tried not to think about Ben Tyler and the date that I nearly ruined.

Stage Two: Anger

Denial came first. Then anger.

I thought working through denial was the hardest thing I would ever do.
It had been crippling
. But the problem with coming to terms with something as heartbreaking as losing the love of my life is that now I had to live with it.

This is my reality.

This.

This is who I am. Grady’s death made me this.
A widow.
A single mom.
Heartbroken and lonely and frustrated and overwhelmed and
gutted
.

And more than everything else, angry.

I’m only thirty-two years old. I shouldn’t have to go through this at thirty-two. I shouldn’t have had to face Grady’s illness or the horror of his treatment or the traumatizing experience of watching my husband fade away.

I shouldn’t have to figure out how to raise four children on my own, without a partner, without the daddy they loved and looked up to. I shouldn’t have to comfort my sons who lost their hero or my daughters who lost the man that they should compare all others to.

I shouldn’t have to hurt like this. Weep like this.
Long
like this.

But I have no other choice and that made me
so very
angry
.

While my heart and mind continue to work through my loss, life around me continues to go on. It moves without my permission. It propels me forward without my consent.

I need time to process everything, to work through these five stages and deal with each as they come. But that isn’t possible.

Time doesn’t stop and the days keep ending and beginning again and I move from denying that my husband isn’t coming back to feeling absolutely furious that I will never see him again. Never be with him again. Never touch him or look at him or breathe him in.

I can’t even be satisfied that I get to move beyond denial.

I am far too angry to care.

Chapter Nine

“Abby, hurry up!
Your cereal is getting soggy!” I whirled around, armed with orange juice and a spoon for Lucy. There was a possibility we would be on time for school today.

“Mom, I have a game tonight, don’t forget.”

“Chuck!”
Jace
squealed. I pushed his toast back in front of him.

“Please don’t forget,” Blake pleaded.

I looked at my eldest son and felt pangs in my chest. When had he gotten so old?
So mature?
His burnished red hair needed a trim, but the tussled look suited him. His bright green eyes were sleepy still and I swear he had grown two inches in the last month. My heart ached watching him become a bigger kid and slowly turn into an adolescent.

“I’ll remember,” I promised him. “It’s on the calendar.”

He grunted into his cereal bowl. “I packed all of my stuff, so we can go right after school.”

“Blake, the game isn’t until 4:30.”

“Well, buy us ice cream or something first. This one’s important.”

I felt a mixture of irritation and amusement. “I’m not going to buy you ice cream right before an important game. But it’s probably a good idea to go straight from school. We’ll think of something to do.”

“Chuck!”
Jace
shouted.

Abby rushed into the kitchen like a tornado of energy and mischief. “This trash stinks!” She pinched her nose with two fingers and ambled over to the table.

“
Chash
Chuck!”
Jace
squealed.

A nagging feeling pulled low in my stomach.
Oh, no.

“What day is it?” I asked out loud. The kids just looked at me. They had no idea.

The groaning, screeching of a garbage truck pulled up in front of our house.
Oh, no!
 
I jumped over to the trash can, grabbed it in its entirety and ran to the garage door. The trash can was ridiculously heavy, a stupid wooden thing that I’d wanted because it looked nice, could hold a hell of a lot of trash and the kids couldn’t knock it over. I had to drag it down the stairs. By the time I opened the garage and lugged the thing to our already overflowing garbage bins, the truck was already pulling out of our circle.

“No!” I screamed. “No, no, no!”

I couldn’t believe this had happened again! Anger bubbled up inside of me and hot tears threatened to spill. In my frustration I kicked at the monstrous outdoor trash can with my bare foot and then grew furious all over again when that crushed my toes.

I hopped around cursing the trash and the trash men and Grady for leaving me this horrific responsibility.

The trash had always been Grady’s thing. As far as I was concerned, Grady might as well have been a magical fairy that made my full trash bags disappear and new ones reappear. Even when he was sick, he still managed to take care of the trash for me. I had done it sometimes if he had to stay in the hospital, but he had always reminded me when the trash needed to be moved to the curb.

Now he was gone and I had no one to help me with this monumental task. It seemed so silly that I couldn’t remember this one thing. We had plenty of trash to keep my mind on it. I had to take the trash to the garage at least once a day, sometimes two. It was really amazing how much trash the five of us could accumulate.

But I couldn’t remember. And it infuriated me.

I had forgotten last week too, so now both of our huge outdoor receptacles overflowed. The indoor trash can at my side mocked my efforts. How could we go another week with this much trash sitting around here?

Thankfully, at the beginning of November it was finally cold enough that I didn’t have to worry about making the entire neighborhood smell.
Just my house.

I kicked out at the trash can again, blind with my frustration. I had never felt rage like this before. I was usually a calm, rational person. But I couldn’t stop this tide of fury from swelling. It
rose
high over my head and then crashed down on me with disconcerting strength.

“God, you’re such an asshole!” I screamed at it. “I hate you!”

“Are you talking to me? Or the trash can?” A calm voice called me out of my darkness.

I looked up to find Ben Tyler watching me. He leaned against the garage frame casually in a very nice navy blue suit. I had never seen him dressed for work before. We must usually leave for work at different times every morning or I was too busy with kids to notice him.

His hair had been combed back, more professional than he usually wore it. His shoes were polished and his shirt was nicely pressed. He looked like a lawyer this morning. I thought this image of him might be difficult for me to reconcile with the usually laid-back version of him I experienced, but this morning, despite my trembling frustration, I found it easy to put this label on him. I could now picture him in a corner office, barking orders at a pretty secretary and charging ungodly amounts of money per hour for his time.

He really was a lawyer. And if clothes measured any kind of success, he was probably a good one.

“The trash can,” I finally answered his question. “I hate it.” That pointless admission made me realize how ridiculous I was acting. I pushed my hair out of my face and stared down at my feet. I realized for the first time how cold they were against the icy garage floor.

“I hate it too,” he said seriously. “God, have you heard what an asshole it’s been lately?”
 

I lifted my eyes to meet his dark ones. They twinkled at me, forgiving my crazy outburst. He should be judging me right now. I was acting insane. But instead, I saw only gentle understanding.

“I forgot to set the trash out,” I confessed, although I was certain it was obvious. “And I forgot to set it out last week. I’m frustrated.”

“I can see that.” He walked forward until we were only a foot apart. “I haven’t seen you around lately.”

His topic change startled me. I found myself looking away again. It was true, we hadn’t really seen much of each other since Emma and I had interrupted his date a few weeks ago. We had said hello in passing and I spoke to him briefly at the mailbox one time. But I had been trying to keep my distance.

Seeing him on a date with a young, beautiful woman made me realize how different we were. Friendship between us would never be more than awkward and complicated. I had decided that night that I didn’t need any more complications. Ben Tyler and I were better kept at a distance.

“We’ve been really busy,” I said softly. “The kids have had so much going on with school and their activities. I feel like I’ve been running nonstop for weeks.”

“You should take a break then.”

I put my hand to my forehead, “That’s a nice thought. But it probably won’t happen.”

“There’s no time for late night wine? There’s
always
time for late night wine.”

I smiled at his confidence. “How did your date go the other night?” If he could change the subject, so could I.

“Date?”
His brow wrinkled with confusion.

“Megan?”

A surprised chuckle shook his shoulders. “Megan? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Liz, I told you the pool was yours, any time you wanted.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you! I told you we’ve been busy. Look! I can’t even get the trash out on time. That’s how busy we’ve been.”

He gave me a frown that said he knew the trash had nothing to do with our schedule. “My date went fine.
Even with party crashers ruining my game.”

“I am sorry about that.”

“And I am kidding, Liz. I swear. Megan and I didn’t end up having all that much in common. We haven’t been out since, but it had nothing to do with you and the pool.”

“Oh.” My mind spun a little with his words. “So are you dating someone else?”

His eyebrows dipped low, “No. I’m not seeing anyone.”

“Then I should set you up!”

“Excuse me?” He looked startled. I hadn’t meant to scare him.

I put some excitement into my tone, trying to sell the idea.
“With my sister!”

If possible, he looked more surprised than ever. “Liz, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”
I demanded. I thought about calling the doctor. My mood swings were slightly terrifying. I felt sorry for Ben. He always seemed to get the worst of me.

He sucked in an exasperated breath, “Well, don’t you think that might be awkward? What if Emma realizes what a terrible person I am and tells you. You’ll be stuck knowing all of my embarrassing habits.”

“You’re not a terrible person.”

“How do you know?”

I smiled gently. “I know. Ben, we might not know each other well, but I know enough to see what a good person you are. I think you would really like Emma.”

“Liz…”

“Please?
Just one date?”
I blinked at him with wide, hopeful eyes.

“What if she doesn’t want to go on a date with me?”

I played with my hair in an attempt to hide my knowing smile. “That’s always a possibility. But it doesn’t hurt to ask.”

“I guess not,” he agreed.

“So is that a yes?”

He smiled slowly at me, “I suppose it is. I apparently cannot say no to you.”

“This is a good thing, though. You’ll love
Em
. I promise.” He didn’t say anything in return, so I felt like I had to continue to sell the idea. “I’ll call her today and see what she thinks. I’m sure she’ll be up for it. She loves it when I set her up.” She hated it when I set her up. But I hoped she wouldn’t mind a date with Ben. She had obviously found him attractive before.

He pulled out his cellphone from his pocket. “If you give me your number, I’ll text you. Then you can pass my number along to your sister. If she’s actually interested, she
can
text or call me.”

“Sounds good!”
I recited my cell number and watched him punch it into his phone. When he lifted his eyes to meet mine again, he wore a cautious smile. “You’re going to have so much fun.”

“I’m sure we will.”

Uncomfortable with his intense gaze, I went back to wrestling the trash bag from the inside trash can.

“Here, let me,” Ben cut in. His hands brushed over mine as he moved to take the bag from me.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. You don’t want to get your suit all dirty.” I looked down at my workout leggings and plain black active long-sleeved T, clothes I used to hide all of the kid smudges and stains that happened all day long.

“Liz, seriously, this bag weighs more than you do. Go back to your kids.”

“My kids!”
I gasped. “I have to get them ready for school! We’re going to be late again.”

His expression turned amused again and he waved me off. “Go, Liz! I’ll take care of this.”

“You’re a saint, Ben Tyler.”

“Go!” He pointed toward the door, this time I obeyed.

I rushed back inside and went to work washing little hands and little faces, making sure hair was brushed and their outfits looked decent enough for school.

By the time we had backpacks and lunches together and had piled in the van, Ben was gone. I didn’t pay attention to the trash because I had more important problems on my mind, like arriving at school in the next three minutes, but the garage seemed bigger for some reason.

It wasn’t until later in the day that I realized why my garage had felt so much larger than usual.

I had been in and out of the garage all day with the little kids. Between dropping off and picking up Lucy from pre-school, grocery shopping and running some errands in town, I had never realized that the garbage cans were missing.

Jace
, Lucy and I picked up the big kids after school and grabbed some smoothies before Blake’s game and then cheered him on to win. He scored a goal and everything! I was so proud.

By the time we got home, the kids were starved again and I had at least an hour of homework to look forward to before bedtime. The day, like most others, had been exhausting.

And yet when I pulled up the driveway, I couldn’t stop the relief that rolled through me. In front of my closed garage sat my two outdoor garbage cans. The lids were closed, not propped open from too-many bags and my forgetfulness.

I parked the van, and ran to check out the cans. They were both empty.

Ben had fixed my trash problem!

I didn’t know how he did it or even want to consider the amount of work it took to solve this problem. It had to be disgusting dealing with all of those bags filled with moldy leftovers and dirty diapers.

But he had done it for me anyway. What a good guy.

I re-parked the cans in their rightful place against the far garage wall and smiled at them. I would remember next week. I wouldn’t let Ben’s kindness be for nothing.

I helped the kids from the car and made sure we brought in all of the various school bags, lunch bags and soccer bags. But I did it with a lighter spirit.

Dinner was easier too that night. And bedtime didn’t seem quite so chaotic.

By the time I crawled into bed not long after the children, I was still amazed at how Ben’s small act of generosity had impacted my day. Was I really so easy to please?

Dark thoughts followed those good ones.

I settled into my huge, empty bed and let my hand reach over to Grady’s side. It shouldn’t be this hard for me.
 
I should have Grady here to help me.

Tears started falling at the simple mention of his name inside my head.

“Why did you leave me, Grady?” I whispered to the darkness. “I can’t do this without you.” Anger bubbled with the grief and made me feel sick. This was impossible without him. These kids, this house, my life was impossible without his help.

I turned to my side and hugged one of his pillows. I let my tears soak the cotton that no longer smelled like my husband or bore his imprint.

It was nice that Ben had helped me, but what I really wanted was to not need Ben’s
help
at all. What I really wanted was my husband here with me to help every single day.