The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You (64 page)

And then I saw the moment he resumed control.

“Okay. I won’t run you around then.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Where did you get it? Stacy?”

Where did I get it?
“Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.” His tone was straight.

My gut clenched. I’d expected immediate denial or reassurance that it wasn’t what it looked like. I’d expected answers. Not this. Not complete indifference.

“You were kissing Celia.”

“I saw.”

“Do you want to explain?”

“Does it matter?” He threw back my own words at me.

“Yes!” My composure was gone. Only he could fix me and he wasn’t even trying.

He moved back to the bar and refilled his drink. “It was before I met you, Alayna. I haven’t asked you to explain your actions before we met. I shouldn’t be expected to either.”

I gaped for a moment while he threw back his liquor. Of all the responses I’d imagined he’d give, downplaying wasn’t one of them.

“But this is different,” I finally managed. “Because you’ve already offered an explanation. You said there was never anything between you and Celia.”

“There wasn’t.”

“I’m supposed to believe that after seeing what I saw?”

“Looks can be deceiving.” His voice was a low rumble. The only indicator of emotion since I’d brought up the video.

It incited me. “That’s all you got?”

“You’ve told me there’s nothing between you and David, yet there’s been many a time that it has looked like there was.”

“It only looked that way because you were paranoid and jealous. You never saw me lip-locked with him. Believe me, seeing it is worse than you can imagine.”

He placed his fingertips on the back of a chair and leaned toward me. “I’m sure if I went and looked at old security tapes I might see exactly that.”

His words were cold and harsh and spiteful. It was times like these that Hudson’s gift to manipulate showed itself. It was frustrating and unfair how he could mold a situation to his favor, but I understood that it was a part of him. He wasn’t trying to play me.

Knowing that didn’t make it any easier to deal with. “Yes. Once upon a time I was with David. I’ve told you that.”

“After you let it slip and I figured it out.”

“Jesus! Will I always have to pay for that mistake?” He didn’t answer, but I didn’t give him time. “Okay, I wasn’t forthcoming. I kept things from you. But only because I didn’t want to hurt you, and I admitted it when you confronted me. But this—you outright lied about this, Hudson. You told me there was nothing to see on Stacy’s video. You told me I didn’t need to go looking.”

“And you went looking anyway.”

“No. I didn’t. I stayed away. Until I found out that you were deliberately trying to hide it from me—yes, Stacy told me you’d asked her for it. Was I supposed to keep trusting you then?”

He shrugged it away. “I didn’t know what she had. I asked because I was curious. I wasn’t deliberately hiding anything.”

“You were deliberately hiding a whole fucking relationship with someone who you swore was never anything but a friend! And even now that I’ve figured out you and Celia were together, even now that I have proof, you still can’t admit it.” My eyes stung and my hands shook from the surge of frustration running through me.

Hudson pinned his eyes to mine. “I’m not admitting anything,” he hissed. “You haven’t figured out anything, Alayna.”

“Then clear things up for me. Tell me what I can’t seem to understand. What’s going on in that video?”

“Nothing,” he spit out. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Hudson!” My voice caught on the lump in my throat, but I kept on. “You’re kissing her. Kissing her deeply. Passionately. Oh yes, I watched it several times, I could reenact the whole thing for you by now if you wanted.”

Shaking his head, he started for the living room.

I was on his heels. “Not to mention that you were supposed to be meeting Stacy right then. And it didn’t escape me on what night this whole thing took place.”

He spun toward me. “Meeting Stacy? Is that what she told you? What else did she say?”

If he could withhold information, so could I. “That really doesn’t have any bearing on this conversation.”

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, this conversation is over.” He headed for the library.

I stood stunned for a beat before following after. “It is not. I have questions and you’ve given me zero answers.”

“I have no answers to give you. This subject is closed.”

His dismissal infuriated me, and more, it left me feeling helpless. “Are you kidding me? You’re not going to talk about this?”

“No, I’m not.” He sat at his desk, reinforcing his refusal to speak further on the matter.

“Hudson, this is so not fair.” I moved around to his side of the desk, not wanting this physical barrier between us. “We’ve said we needed to be honest with each other—that we needed to form a relationship built on trust. We agreed to be open. But you’re hiding something with this. You lied! And not talking about it? How are we supposed to move forward when you’re keeping such a big secret?”

He flew up from his chair and grabbed my arm with a tight grip. “Have I done anything to betray your trust before this?”

I was too surprised to try to pull away. “You went behind my back to transfer David…”

He yanked me closer to him. “That was
for us
.” His eyes widened as he emphasized the last two words. “Have I done anything that makes you think I don’t have our relationship’s best interests in mind? Have I done anything to make you believe that I don’t want to be with you? That I don’t…” His voice cracked and he swallowed before continuing. “That I don’t
care
…for you with everything I have?”

I shook my head, unable to speak.

He relaxed his grasp on me, but didn’t let go. “Everything I’ve done since we’ve been together has been for you and me. Trust me when I tell you this isn’t important.” With his free hand, he brushed my hair off my shoulder. “This doesn’t affect us.”

“How can it not affect us? This was the night of the Stern Symposium. The night you said you first saw me.”

“Yes, it was the night I first saw you.” His voice was softer. Soothing as he cupped my neck. “But this was before that. Separate. You need to forget about this.”

Separate.
I held onto that word, absorbing it, searching for its meaning. But how could it be separate? It was the same night.

Looking into his eyes didn’t clear up anything either. All I saw there was him pleading and begging to lay this video to rest.

But that wasn’t the person that I was. He’d told me once that he would always be manipulative and domineering, even when he wasn’t playing games. It was who he was.

Me, I would always be obsessive. I’d always question. Even when I was healthy. Asking to forget about this was defying my nature.

I swallowed. “What if I can’t let it go?”

His expression filled with disappointment. “Then it means you don’t trust me.” He let me go, straightening his back. “And I don’t know how we can continue on with our relationship without trust.”

My knees buckled and I put my hand out on his desk to steady myself. “Are you saying that I have to choose? Trust you about this or we’re over?”

“Of course not.” His confidence was missing from his words. “But I have nothing else that I can say. Whether you can live with that or not is the choice you have to make.”

I brushed my fingertips across my eyebrows and down my face. The situation felt so surreal, it was almost as if I had to be sure I was still physically there. How had I gone from a question about Hudson’s past to an ultimatum about our future?

And even if I could bring myself to live with his terms, what kind of a future could we possibly have?

I shook my head. “That’s a trap, Hudson. How could anyone live with that? How can we ever move forward when everywhere I turn there’s a wall?”

“There are no walls.” His jaw tensed and his voice tightened. “I’m here with you. I share everything with you.”

“Except your past.”

“Except this
one thing
in my past.”

“No. There’s more.” My throat and eyes burned. “It’s not just the video, Hudson. It’s your secrets, the things you can’t say. You can’t tell me what that night was about. You can’t tell me how you feel about me. You can’t tell me what the true nature of your relationship is with Celia, with Norma—even with Sophia!”

“Jesus Christ, Alayna. I’ve told you exactly the true nature of my relationships and you—” he pointed a finger into his desk for emphasis, “refuse to believe what I’ve said.”

“Because there’s proof over and over again that says otherwise.” I slammed my hand against my thigh each time I said
over
. “And if I’m missing the whole picture, than maybe you should stop leaving all the vital parts out.”

He closed his eyes briefly. Then he stepped closer to grasp my forearms. “Nothing of what I’ve kept from you is vital to our relationship.” His voice was low and sincere. “It has nothing to do with us.”

I threw my arms in the air. “It does! It has everything to do with us.”

Hudson slammed past me to the other side of his desk, but he didn’t go far. He rocked on his feet, his back to me, and I felt he was deciding. Deciding what, I didn’t know.

I circled after him until I was within an arm’s length. I could reach out to touch him with my hands, but I kept them at my side. “Don’t you see, Hudson? I want to know everything about you. I want to be everything with you. How can I when you don’t let me in?”

“I’ve let you in further than any other human being I’ve known. You know things about me that I never planned to share with anyone.” He turned his head to look at me. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

“It does.” I reached out to caress his cheek and he moved the rest of the way to face me. “It counts for so much. But see,” I dropped my hand to my side, “that’s where we’re stuck. Because you’re asking me to give up so much of who I am in order for you to keep your secrets, and that will tear me apart. I can’t do it. I can’t function. I obsess, Hudson. I’ve never kept that from you. Now, I’ve had a history of obsessing over things that weren’t valid, but this time, it’s not in my head. There are real things you’re hiding and can you not see how I’m going crazy over it? Everything you fixed about me is unraveling and I don’t know what to do.” I took a deep breath. “And I’m not even sure you care.”

“I care, Alayna.” He brushed a tear off my cheek—funny, I hadn’t even noticed I was crying. “I care more than I can stand it, and I will do anything to make this better.”

He braced his hand behind my neck and leaned his forehead against mine. It would be so easy—so easy to lean up and let him kiss away my pain and insecurity. His lips on mine could erase all darkness, could soothe any pain. Until that afternoon, I’d believed that like some people believed in their religion—Hudson could fix me, every time.

Except this time he was the problem.

And it wasn’t his touch that would fix me. It was words. Words he wasn’t willing to give. “Then tell me what I need to know,” I whispered.

He straightened and took a step away from me. “No. I won’t.”

He turned away, heading back toward the living room.

Once again, I chased after him. “Were you together? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck her that night? The night you met me?”

He paced the room. “No. No. No. And no. I’ve told you this before and if those words aren’t enough, why should I believe that any others would be any different?”

“Because those words aren’t the words I need. I don’t need denials. I need truths. What happened, Hudson? What is she to you?”

“Alayna, leave it alone.”

“I can’t!”

He stopped suddenly. After a beat, he said, “Then I need to leave.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I swallowed. “Like leave to cool down?”

He shook his head. “It means that we need to take some time apart.”

“What? No!” I’d thought my heart had hit rock bottom before. Apparently there was a whole chasm left for it to fall into—a chasm so dark that it obliterated my previous notion of darkness. And the cold and the ache of that place made every pain I’d ever felt pale in comparison. The death of my parents, my journey from crazy to sanity, even the betrayal from Hudson when he didn’t choose me over Celia—those were flesh wounds next to this.

“It’s for the best,” he said as he retrieved his jacket from across the back of the couch.

It seemed I needed to say something—anything—to make him stay. But I couldn’t figure out what that would be. All I could hear were his words repeating over in my head—
time apart
. Because why? Because I’d needed him to be honest?

This couldn’t be happening. “You tell me you care about me more than you can stand and now you want to break up with me?”

He glanced over at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “No, not break up, precious. Just take some time apart. Time to figure out how we want to deal with this.”

His words were compassionate and sweet, but they weren’t enough to mollify my hurt and anger. “You mean time for me to get my shit together.”

“Both of us, Alayna.”

I swiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know where you get your definitions, but that sure sounds like breaking up to me.”

“If that’s what you want to call it.”

“I don’t want to call it anything. I don’t want it to happen!”

“I hope it will be temporary.” He swept past me, careful not to touch me as he did. He grabbed his briefcase from the hall then patted his pockets, apparently satisfied that he had what he needed.

Oh my god. He was really leaving. Really, really leaving. “Hudson!”

When he turned to me, I rushed to him. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.” I clutched at him.

His body remained cold and impassive, his eyes not meeting mine. “I’m doing this for you, Alayna. For both of us.” His words were warm, though he still wouldn’t look at me or touch me. “I can’t bear that I’m hurting you, and it will destroy me if I lose you. But there are some things that I can never tell you. And now we’re at an impasse, as you said. Because you say you can’t go on not knowing and I can’t go on without your trust.”