The Folding Knife (3 page)

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Authors: K. J. Parker

Tags: #01 Fantasy

BOOK: The Folding Knife
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He couldn't answer immediately. When he'd got the use of his mouth back, he said, "Tell you what, you can come and inspect the contents of my chamber pot. Will that do you?"

"Don't be--"

"That's evidence," he said. "Solid proof. Well, maybe not solid. For pity's sake, mother, I'm not
well
. I can hardly stand upright."

His mother's look held the unique alloy of pity and contempt she reserved just for him. "Well, you've nobody but yourself to blame," she said, dipping her hand into the linen pocket she wore on her belt and taking out nine plum stones. "You don't even
like
plums," she said.

He nodded. His mistake had been throwing the stones out of the window, instead of burying them in the midden. Attention to detail. "Oh, I like them," he said, "but they don't like me." A particularly sharp spasm put him out of action for a while, and then he said, "It doesn't alter the fact that I'm not well enough to stand through a long formal ceremony. Unless you want me to make a spectacle of myself in front of all those people."

His mother shook her head. "I haven't told your father about these," she said, moving the plum stones a little closer to his nose. "You don't have to go to the ceremony, I'll send a note to say you're ill, but I'll tell your father the truth. It's entirely up to you."

He breathed in deeply. "All right," he said. "What do you suggest?"

She nodded briskly. "I'll get you some medicine," she said.

Her words coincided with yet another spasm, so the face he pulled was submerged in a greater reaction. His mother collected medicines, rather in the way a boy collects coins or seals or arrowheads; one or two genuine pieces, along with a whole load of junk. "Thanks," he said, "but I think I'll be--"

"Stay there," she said, and a few minutes later she came back with a little blue-glass cup. "Drink this," she said, "it'll get you through the ceremony."

The last attack had left him gasping for air. "Does it work?"

"I don't know," his mother replied, "I've never tried it myself. The man said it's a miracle cure, but I've never dealt with him before. You don't have to take it if you don't want to."

He took the cup and stared into it; off-white sludge, like the scum on top of new cream. "What is it?"

"The man said it's a special sort of clay dust," his mother answered blandly. "Apparently there's a magic mountain in Sigaea, which is the only place in the world this stuff's ever been found. It's mined by an ancient order of monks exclusively for the Imperial court, but somehow this man managed to get hold of a jar." She shrugged. "You never know," she said. "Anyway, drink it if you like. It might do you good."

Remarkably, it did. At least, it stopped up his bowels like a cork for three days. It didn't do anything for the pain, but he handled that himself, and if any of the guests at the betrothal noticed anything, they didn't mention it. In a way, he was almost glad of it, since it gave him something else to think about apart from the bride and her family. The latter would have scared the life out of him if he'd been in any fit state to care; several huge men, tall, broad and fat, with close-cropped beards that came up to the tops of their cheekbones, and tall thin women who looked at him and shuddered. His father was extremely subdued, which was unnerving, and sober, which was unprecedented. He couldn't see his mother most of the time, because she had to sit on the far side of the temple with his sister and the other women, but he could feel her eyes on him like a bridle. As for the bride, she was muffled up in veils like a beekeeper (what's the matter, he thought, is she afraid I'm going to sting her to death or something?) so she registered with him as little more than a shape in a gauze mist and a small, sullen voice that mumbled the words after the priest. But when she first saw him, she stopped dead in her tracks, the way a horse stops when it sees something it doesn't like, and no amount of booting and spurring will get it to shift. Her father and uncle whispered something to her, "what do you think you're playing at?" or words to that effect; she whispered back, and then her father put his hand between her shoulder blades and shoved so hard she nearly fell over. An auspicious start, he couldn't help thinking; not that he blamed her in the least. He owned a mirror. It was a small comfort to know there was someone who was even more wretched about the performance than he was, but the pain in his stomach was the only thing he could think about.

The priest got his name the wrong way round: Bassianus Severus Arcadius. On the way home, he asked if it was still legal. His father assured him that it was.

His cousin Renno came up from the country. On balance, he liked Renno. He was easy to talk to, usually had money and was handy in a fight. Since he'd last seen him, Renno had grown, and the dark fuzz on his top lip had pretensions of coherence.

"You got married, then," Renno said.

He sighed. "Hardly," he replied. "That doesn't happen for another four years."

"Something to look forward to, then." Renno hopped up onto the gate and sat swinging his legs. His feet nearly touched the ground now. "You're lucky," he said.

"Am I?"

"Are you kidding?"

The boy scowled. "I never actually got to see what she looks like."

Renno laughed. "Is that right? Well, the first thing you notice is the moustache."

He didn't look round. "You know her, then?"

"Met her, a couple of times."

"And?"

Renno yawned and stretched, wobbled a bit and sat up straight. "Let's see," he said. "Nice boobs, good arse, a bit top-heavy but she could still grow out of that. In four years, she could be all right."

The boy shrugged. "What's she like?"

"I just told you."

"Apart from that."

"Let's walk into town and get some fruit. No disrespect to your family, but the food around here's a bit bloody sparse."

The boy nodded. "You got any money?"

"Sure."

There was a wicket gate in the back wall of the kitchen garden, put there to make it easier for the gardeners to carry manure from the stables without having to go through the main courtyard. From the stables you could climb out over the tack-room roof and drop down in the snicket that led to the alley that joined up with the public road, and nobody would know. "I don't know anything about her," the boy said, "or the family, come to that."

"You haven't missed much," Renno replied. "Loaded, but quite new. I think they're in bulk grain."

"I know," the boy replied. Renno said something, but he was on the boy's wrong side and he didn't quite catch it. "Say again?"

Renno frowned. "I said, the eldest son's in the Navy, that's all. Are you having trouble hearing me? That's the fourth time."

"Left side," the boy said. "I got a bang on the head a while back and I can't hear much with my left ear."

"You should get that seen to."

"It'll clear up," the boy replied. "You don't go telling anybody if you're not feeling so good in this house."

Renno grinned. "Your mum still into the witchcraft stuff?"

"It's a pain," the boy said sadly. "Of course, she never uses any of it herself, just tries it out on other people. One of the maids nearly died. You can see why I keep quiet about my ear."

"Better deaf than dead," Renno agreed solemnly. "What happened?"

The boy looked past him. "Someone got me when I wasn't looking. No big deal."

"Bastard," Renno sympathised. "It'll probably just clear up. A friend of my dad's went deaf for a year after he fell off his horse, but it sorted itself out eventually."

They walked out of the alley gate into the street. The grain carts had made the early morning delivery and were heading back out of town, a long procession, like a funeral. "You didn't answer my question," the boy said.

"I don't know, do I?" Renno sounded a bit edgy. "Like I told you, only met the girl twice, once at a wedding and once at some religious thing. Apart from the obvious, I didn't pay much attention."

"You lot know her lot, then."

"Vaguely. Also, we're sort of neighbours. They've got a place just over the hill from our place at Sesunto. They call it a hunting lodge, but it's just a shack, really. They don't go there much."

"And?"

When Renno shrugged, there was a suggestion of trying to shake off an annoying entanglement. "And nothing," he said. "I told you all I know."

"No you didn't," the boy said.

"Fine." Renno sighed. "Apparently, she can be a bit of a handful."

The boy nodded. "What does that mean?"

"There was some bother with a young footman," Renno said. "And a boy from the village. All taken care of, naturally, and no harm done. There, satisfied?"

"Marvellous," the boy replied, and he thought of the ship his father had bought. For a man who'd been First Citizen, he didn't have much sense. "You've really cheered me up, you know that?"

"You asked," Renno replied. "And anyway, she'll grow out of it. They usually do. Like Trusca."

The boy smiled. Renno's sister had given the family a lot to think about at one time, but now she was safely married and no bother to anyone. "How's she doing, by the way?"

"Pregnant again," Renno said. "Obviously he keeps her busy, which is presumably the answer in these cases. Won't be long before they've got enough for their own hockey team."

The boy nodded. "They could play the Sulpicii," he said. "Or the Marciani."

"They should form a league," Renno said. "That'd be quite good, actually. Each year, the winners could play the army."

Renno bought four apples; a waste of money, since it was the season, and there were better examples of a better variety hanging from the branches in the orchard. They sat down in the shade of the Bank portico. "Here," Renno said.

"No thanks," the boy replied. He was very fond of apples and it was three hours since breakfast.

"What?" Renno looked at him. "What did you let me buy this many for, then?"

"Have the rest later," the boy replied.

"Suit yourself." Renno bit deep, and the boy was briefly overwhelmed by the smell of the juice. "Sure you don't want one?" Renno asked with his mouth full.

He ignored the question, and said: "What happened to the footman?"

"Got slung out," Renno said. "Went back to his village, I suppose. Nothing too bad, I don't think. Why?"

"No reason."

"You should definitely see a doctor about your ear," Renno said. "You look pretty weird, twisting round like that so you can hear what I'm saying."

"I'm not bothered," the boy said. "And anyway, doctors need paying."

"Your dad--"

"Would want to know what happened." The boy shook his head. "I don't think he's noticed, and I'd rather keep it that way."

Renno looked like he wasn't sure what to make of that. "Up to you," he said. "I'd hate being deaf."

"It's no fun," the boy conceded. "But there's worse things." Time, he decided, to change the subject. "Did you hear about Gal getting thrown out of the seminary?"

"I didn't think it was possible to get thrown out of there. Not if you're loaded like the Valerii."

"It can't have been easy," the boy said. "But you know how resourceful Gal can be. He set fire to the day chapel."

Renno nodded. "Actually, that's not bad."

"During morning confession."

When Renno was really amused by something, he had this knack of silent laughing; his mouth opened in an enormous grin, but no sound came out. "Well," he said. "That would probably do it, yes."

The boy looked down at his hands. "Best part is, it was the day after his uncle Naso got made Patriarch."

Renno breathed in deeply, the sign of great happiness. "There are times when I think there might still be hope for our family," he said.

"I don't," the boy said sharply, and got to his feet. "Still, who cares about that? Let's go down to the fencing school and see if we can steal someone's coat."

They succeeded, and in the pocket they found a purse containing twelve gold eagles and a considerable sum in provincial silver. They handed it in to the watch, and said they'd found it in the street.

"I bought a bank," his father said.

The boy stared down into his porridge. He knew why his father had chosen family breakfast to make his announcement. With the children present, he'd be safe from the hellstorm of uncurbed opinion he'd have come in for if he'd confessed his misdeed in private. In front of the children, she could only say, "Oh." Which she did.

"Best deal I ever made," his father said, a little bit loud and a little bit fast. He paused, anticipating a request for further information, which didn't come. Mother was keeping quiet, a truly ominous sign.

Father chewed some bread, and went on, "The Macer brothers. Perfectly sound business, only they came unstuck over a government loan. Well, they called it a loan but really it was state theft; it's not like they had any choice. You will lend us this money or else. No security, obviously."

Even Mother had her limits. "Really," she said. "So you bought a failed bank."

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