The Forgotten: Aten's Last Queen (57 page)

I flushed again, this time with pride. I had not seen her recently with all the commotion of preparing for our departure. To think she in some way resembled me, would always carry a piece of me with her…

My mood soured at a thought, “But if you’re so concerned with her safety, then why did you bring her here to sit across from Vizier Ay?”

“Because she wanted to see you!” Tia-Sitre spat at me before her tears fell. She rushed over to a bench and sat down. Her hands moved shakily as they wiped her eyes flowing with tears, covered her trembling lips, and attempted to hold in her voice quaking out in sobs.

I did not feel it appropriate to sit beside her just yet. “I thank you for bringing her then. I had hoped to see her as well.”

Her speech rose louder with each new thought she brought to life, “She is beginning to see it too. But what can I say? If I say we are sisters, she could tell someone and threaten both of our lives. If I say you are her mother, I endanger her a hundred times more! I simply stutter and tell her she has a beautiful imagination. But she wants to be with you more, now that she sees your similarities. She thinks it’s the God’s doing, that one that Amyntas follows. She thinks you two are meant to be together! But she won’t tell you. She’s in awe of you. You’re all she ever talks about. You’re so smart, you’re so beautiful, you’re so elegant, you rule better than even Pharaoh! What am I supposed to say?”

I kept my words steady and soft, “I don’t know, sister. I wish I could help, but I have not raised a child as you have. I long for it, and watch it, but I don’t know the first thing about it anymore.”

“If you had had my mother, and I yours, our roles would be reversed now. Isn’t it funny? Or if my mother had been the Great Wife, perhaps… but it’s no matter.” She spoke with an unusual monotone in her voice. “He destroyed both of our lives. He would have killed me in time, I have no doubt of that. How do you remember him? Our heretic father?”

I shook my head, “What do you want me to say?”

“He killed my mother. How I am supposed to remember a father who does that? When you look at Tawaret sometimes, do you think of him?”

“No. I have not thought of him in a long time. I cannot say that I have forgiven him either.” I found myself lost in a maze of thoughts. I remembered his voice yelling at me, throwing me against the wall. “I do not think of him anymore. It’s just not worth it.”

Tia-Sitre stood up. She picked a leaf off a nearby tree and wiped her eyes with it. “I’m sorry. Being with child gets me overly emotional.”

For a fleeting moment, all I heard was her snuffles and the rushes slapping one another in the wind’s gentle breath. Then my thoughts caught up to her words. “You are… does Pa-ramessu know? Congratulations!”

“I did not want to tell him just yet. I thought I would wait until he returns from Man-nefer. I do not want him distracted by the child he will not see.”

“I could order him to stay behind and be with you.” I stepped closer to her, still unsure if an embrace would be accepted. I was glad her mood seemed to be coming around. At least, so I thought.

“No, he must be there to meet the army. It is his duty. Horemheb expects it since he must stay behind in your place and run the court, as Pharaoh commanded he should. It will be all right. This way, if the child does not live, he will never have to mourn. He will never know. It is best this way. Our family seems cursed with still babies. My own mother had a baby die in her arms, did you know? She was such a good, deserving mother too. Then she found out about her father’s death, and I think she wished for her own. That’s why she confronted Father. It must be horrible to live through. I’m glad she did not have to live much longer and forever have to remember her baby’s dying breath.”

I felt my heart clench like a fist and then twist inside of me at her words. I wondered if she meant them the way they sounded. Maybe I was taking this all too personally.

“What is a boy?” I asked.

Tia-Sitre wrinkled her forehead, “I can’t remember now. But it’s no longer important, is it?”

“May you never know what that feels like.” It was all I could say. I turned to go.

“What are you going to do?” she called after me.

Suddenly, I felt lost, drowning. The currents were pulling me down. Sinking. I need to find something to grab hold of. Something to give me a fresh taste of the night’s sweetness as it lifted up scents of the rich buds of the season along its wispy fingers. All around me was sadness. I felt my strength ebbing. My walls cracking. I needed…

“I could use a new assistant. Yes. She will come with me. There is a beautiful temple to Hathor, standing proudly next to Ptah’s, where she could study. I will see what she thinks of that life.”

I heard scrambling behind me. My next sensation was her nails digging into my shoulders. She spun me around. I quickly brought up my right arm and slapped her across the face with my backhand. She staggered backwards as if drunk. I had a flash in my eyes from when her mother had fallen down at my feet, Pharaoh standing over her… a heretic… murder in his eyes…

“I have asked too much of you.” I said with regret. “I realize that, and I am grateful. But I have also given you a new life, twice. I will protect your secret for as long as I live. I hope you will give my daughter the same courtesy.”

I took a deep breath as I could feel the flame inside me building up, threatening to overwhelm me with anger. “I will keep her next to me. I formally request from you her presence on my trip. Please find your way home and prepare her for tomorrow’s journey. I will inform her of my wishes.

“Why… why would you do that?” she said between her sobs.

I steeled my heart. “Do not be late tomorrow, and do not forget with whom you are speaking, Marahkaten.”

I walked back to the feast and did not look back. I tried not to think about the command I had just brought down upon Mara. I was taking a girl she had raised as her own daughter. But this was
my
daughter. It was time I began thinking more of my needs. I was the queen of our country, but I had nothing. Gold meant nothing. All I wanted was life, thriving and joyful life. I could see it all around me. I craved for my turn like the cat who craves a warm lap to rest on.

But why? I knew that Mara -- Tia-Sitre -- had the right idea and intention in order to keep her safe. So why was I clutching Tawaret to me suddenly? Maybe I had enough of pushing love away. I just said goodbye to the man who held my heart. I knew that I would protect her with my life, even with my ka if the gods asked it of me. Or maybe I was beginning to have faith that Adonai would look out for us.

I realized that my heart was without fear now. I knew I had to be careful, but I also had a premonition that I could keep her safer with me. She deserved it, palace walls and lush comforts. This was her time. I would guide her on down a new path. This was our time. I could feel it in my blood.

Tawaret turned just as I was entering the hall. I was not sure how she knew I was there, but as I rounded the corner, her face sprang up to mine. I sat down next to her in Tia-Sitre’s spot.

“I have wonderful news for you,” I said. Her eyes looked up at me widely. “You have been chosen to accompany me on my journey to Man-nefer. You will be tutored in the Temple of Hathor and also serve as my assistant. Would you like this?”

Her hands jumped up to her cheeks at my question. I could see a flush beginning to pinken her skin.

“Queen, I am honored! Is that what you and Mother went to talk about?” she responded with a light voice.

“Yes. She approves and will meet you in your quarters to pack your things. We leave early in the morning.”

She stood up and knocked her chair over. The men were too deep in conversation to notice, except for her brother.

“Don’t tell me you saw a scorpion again,” he grumbled at her.

She turned to face him and spoke rapidly. “I will be going with the queen on a magical journey! I must go pack. Tell Father!” She ran as fast as any 9 year old could. No, 10… she would be 10 soon.

Ten years ago I had felt her inside of my body, still a child’s body. I remember looking at her face, squinting and gloriously crying, after she was pushed out from me. She announced herself to us all that day. Nearly 10 years ago… yes, now was
our
time.

I smiled. It was to be magical, I could tell. Praise Aten.

*****

The trip to Man-nefer proved difficult for Tawaret. Her travel sickness became worse than mine had been as a child. I could tell this was her first long-distance water trip. I too felt ill at the start, but I knew how to relieve my symptoms. So I spent most of the time at Tawaret’s bedside keeping her cool and allaying her fears. She kept talking about disappointing me. I could not figure where that idea would come from.

I told her stories of our country’s past and the gods. I knew she did not believe them, but she was fascinated by the ancient tales of spells and spirits and curses.

When I could not be there with her, Tia was. My input on the affairs of state was being called upon less and less with the arrival of Tutankhamun approaching. Ay brought simple matters to my attention but usually kept the more complicated issues between him and Maya. Every evening we would dine on the barge before retiring for the day. Conversation was sparse and formal when it did come up. I was grateful to see Man-nefer finally appear on the morning horizon. The white walls sparkled like the swirling lap of the Nile shimmering under the rising sun boat.

Tawaret and I were carried together on one litter to the palace with Tia walking behind. I had her wear a veil over her head to cover her face from view. The citizens could say what they wanted to about her, but I did not want them to know her face. At least not yet.

We rode first in the procession, and the city greeted us wildly with cheers. I watched Tawaret through our journey. Her sickness seemed to fade quickly in the shouts and praises of those around us.

“How wondrous it must be for you,” she whispered to me.

“This is the fun part. There are many other things that are not so enjoyable.”

“But you have run the world all by yourself! I cannot imagine ever being as smart and talented as you are.”

“We all find the strength when our people need us. In time, you will learn of your strengths… and your weaknesses. Knowledge of both will give you great wisdom.”

Our litter was entering the palace courtyard.

“When will Pharaoh return? Can I stand beside you when he does?”

“Soon, he will ride in with our army. You can stand beside Tia, not me. But it is not because I wish it so. It is because there are rituals and rites that I must perform. I promise you a good view though.” I responded with a smile on my lips. The litter was set down as I finished. I stood up and held out my hand to her. “Come, let me take you to our rooms.”

“I will stay with you?” she asked as she stepped out of the litter.

“Of course. The queen and the pharaoh sleep in separate chambers most nights. He may want me with him when he returns, but Tia will be with you in my absence. You will never be alone.”

Tawaret was looking down at the tiled floor. Then she turned in a circle as her eyes soaked up the rest of the walls and gardens around her. “This is even more marvelous than the palace at home!”

“Do you remember your studies on Ptah?”

Tawaret chewed on her thumbnail as she thought. “His name means opener, he created the Opening of the Mouth ceremony, and he is the god of craftsmen.”

“Very good. He is also the chief god of this city. So as you can imagine, many craftsmen and artists reside here. They create abundant beauty throughout the city but most spectacularly here for Pharaoh’s pleasure.”

Tawaret ran over to me then, and her arms tightly encircled my midsection. Her head reached up to my chest. “Thank you, Queen. You are more generous to me than I deserve. How can I ever repay you?”

My thoughts swirled as a sandstorm does the grains within it. I was not sure what to say. I wanted to tell her that her blood ran thick with a proud royal line and that she deserved every indulgence in the world. She was smart, beautiful, and had everything within her to run a country. I wanted to say all those things and more.

“You can live a happy life and be kind to those less fortunate. It is a big job, but it is enough.”

“And that is how you run our country?” she asked, her voice muffled by the folds of my dress.

“I do my very best, yes.”

“Okay, I will. I promise.” I felt her head nod furiously in approval against my breasts, but she did not let go. So we stood there, and I held her tight to me.

My daughter had come home, and she was meant for this life.

*****

1323 B.C., First Season of the Year

*****

The morning was pleasantly warm as I went through my routine of morning prayers.

“I light the red candle of the sun calling Thee to me,

I light the incense to take my word to Thee,

Arise and awake, Oh God of creation,

Arise and awake, Oh God of the sun,

Arise and awake, Oh God of man and woman,

Arise and awake, Oh God of me.”

I had left Tia and Tawaret in my quarters to continue sleeping. Tawaret had come to my bed in the night as she was still frightened being in her private adjoining room at night. We had been here for over 30 days, and she was still uncomfortable in the large spaces. So we fell asleep holding each other. I did not mind her coming to me. In fact, sometimes I found myself staying awake for it. What an amazing blessing to rest with your child at peace in your arms.

“I come before Thee, and I call on Thee,

Thy symbol Aten has risen,

Thou art born as Lord Khepri,

Thou art filled with new beginnings,

Come now to Your servant.

Hear my name as I speak it to You,

Look with favor upon Your priestess, Your servant, Your daughter.”

Though she feared the night, she reveled in the days. She loved the banquets in celebration of the Pharaoh’s imminent return. She loved her studies in the Temple of Hathor. She spent the evening studying her prayers and rituals before letting sleep kidnap her ka. It was amazing to see her determination and hard work. She was so smart, much smarter than I was at that age.