The Fox (29 page)

Out of the corners of my eyes I captured movement, a rush of blue flickering and floating on the air. Facing the trees, my eyes wide, I watched clouds of small blue butterflies lift to the sky. I accepted the scene from my vision. The blue butterflies and the White Stag were here in this copse of rowan trees to heal the relationship between Lovern and me. I did not question our presence. We were here by the grace and wonderment of the gods.

A song came to my lips.

Anaman Anaman Anaman.”

“O Morrigna,” sang Lovern in his own prayer song. “Shown in the form of Cernunnos, we welcome you. The King of the Forest rests at our feet. In him, we seek fertility for ourselves, our forests, and the animals within. Bless us so in your name we may continue to teach others to bless you. Blessed Cernunnos, we will be forever grateful for your blessing and allowing us to sacrifice the White Stag to Morrigna and you.”

“I will be there until I am free,” I said and pointed to the edge of the small meadow where we spent the night. “I will come to you when I feel my soul release.”

Lovern nodded. I picked up my cape and walked a small distance away.

Lovern continued singing just out of reach of my ears. Birds in the forest around me twittered, their songs sweet again.

Lovern stripped off his clothing. I admired his tall, lean body and the muscles that worked as he shoved the Stag’s body into position. Lovern’s penis, hanging limp between his legs, did not show his true virility. He was my lover and I tingled with memory.

I kneeled and wrapped myself in my cape, my labyrinth bag in hand. I thought on the reasons we were here. Through the rest of the day, I relived my first meeting Lovern in Beathan’s home.

Lovern went into the forest and returned with a short log. After he reached in and cut out the Stag’s tongue, he placed the log just under its chin, raising its neck off the ground. He placed the tongue on the grass nearby. He lifted his short sword into the air, bringing it down repeatedly until the Stag’s head separated from its body. He grasped it by its antlers and sat it on its neck, facing his work. Then, he rolled the Stag’s body to its back and cut a deep line down the belly with his dirk. He cut again at the joint of each leg. Grasping a corner of the pelt, he pulled and cut under the skin to separate it from its body.

I remembered falling in love with him as he taught me how to heal and find my life’s path.

Midday saw the pelt completely removed and set aside. Kneeling, covered with blood, Lovern carved large pieces of meat off its shoulders and haunches. As if called, a small red fox walked to Lovern’s side; its sharp nose dug into Lovern’s arm to announce its arrival. Startled, Lovern looked down and laughed at the brave copper-colored animal. Its white-tipped red tail slowly swished back and forth. Lovern crawled on his knees, not rising above the small animal more than necessary, and reached for the Stag’s tongue. He laid it just in reach of the fox. The fox sauntered over, sniffed, bit into it and tried to lift it. It was too heavy so the fox snorted, gave in, and dragged his prize back into the forest from whence he came. Lovern watched in silence and bowed his head to the empty air left by the disappearing, sly fox.

After quenching his thirst from our water skin, Lovern reached into his labyrinth bag and retrieved the red thread we had been handfasted with. It fell in tendrils from his fingers as he brought it to his lips and kissed it. His penis became partially erect. I wondered if he was remembering the night of love that came after that ceremony. He tied the thread around the antlers of the Stag.

I recalled our marriage and the night of love we shared. My loins moistened and readied for entry.

Using his sword with both hands, Lovern dug a hole. He finished it just as the sun started on the down side of the day. He disappeared into the forest again.

My throat closed, and I grew weak with memory of the fear of my taking and the death of Beathan.

When he returned, he piled the logs he carried into the hole along with twigs and small branches. He pulled and rolled the body, with difficulty, into the hole. The King of the Forest’s head balanced on top of its body. Lovern laid his short sword near the hole and reached into his bag again for his firestones. He lit the tinder and wood under the Stag. Soon, wood and fat fed, red and gold flames jumped into the air and the fire’s smoke rose to the darkening sky. The body of the White Stag, King of the Forest, was consumed by the purifying blaze. His spirit flew to the forests of the gods on the smoke.

Lovern stood to watch for several breaths, then reached down and picked up the white pelt he had removed earlier. He walked towards me. I could hear his voice. Holding out the white pelt, he prayed, “Morrigna. Bel. Hear my pleas. Forgive my wrong-doings. Give me the power to heal and protect. Give me guidance to bring back into the true line of our nature the love of my life.”

I grew stronger with the sound of his voice. I watched him declare his love and need to me through his actions and prayers to the gods. I knew the gods gave us this love we shared, and I would continue to honor it into whatever future we held together.

“Lovern,” I whispered with a dry throat, “help me rise. I am free. I am purified.”

He came to me. His hands strong under my arms, he lifted me to stand and raised his head to heaven singing thanks. I turned to stand behind him and dropped my dress to the grass. I took a step so my back was against his, my hot skin absorbing his sweat. My head rested under his shoulder, and I entwined our fingers. My legs were growing weak with relief and need of him when I felt his body quiver.

I released his hands, and we turned to face each other. “Are you chilled?” I asked this as I trembled with my need.

“No,” he said as he pulled me tightly against his body. His head dipped to kiss me and I felt him, fully erect, pressing his hips into mine. Our bodies reacted to the prolonged absence of each other.

“I have missed you so,” I wept and reached my arms around him, my face buried against his chest. He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. I saw tears in his, reflected in the waning light.

“Jahna, as my wife you should not have had to face the trials you did. It is my job to give you protection, and I failed. Before I left, you implored increased protection for me and I failed to do the same for you. Your taking and Beathan’s death should fall on my shoulders, not yours. I ask your forgiveness. I ask the gods’ forgiveness.”

“We are both purified with this hunt and sacrifice,” I said. “We must now follow the path of our future.”

We kissed, our tears creating clean lines through our blood-covered faces. Lovern eased me to the ground, the white pelt under us for protection. I cried in pleasure as his mouth and hands found my breasts. I lifted my legs around his slender hips, and he groaned as he entered me. We moved as one, searching for the most important truths in the entire world. The love of a man and woman. The urge to create new life.

I screamed into the night with my release, and he cried out my name. We clung to each other, loving again and again until the sun rose.

“The fire is out,” I said as I lifted my head to look over his shoulder. He still lay atop me. “I am hungry. Is there dried meat and water?”

“Later, I will cook the meat I removed for this purpose. You need to eat well from now on.”

Looking into his face and seeing his grin I realized he would know, even as I did, that I was with child. His child. Our child. A child of this night.

“Yes, I will take care of my body and soul for our daughter. She will carry our blood into the future.”

“I agree, but now we will take care of us. I need you again, Jahna. My body will never tire of yours, even when you are too big to walk!”

“Mmmm. It is pleasant to have you inside me. But I have enough hunger to eat a pony.”

“Quiet, woman. I will feed our souls first and then your stomach.”

Later, we ate meat from the Stag, climbed onto our pony and traced our path home. We stopped only to wash our bodies in the waterfall of the sacred pool. There, we loved each other again.

My mother was awake when we returned to the hospice. I knelt by her and whispered, “I am with child. A girl child.”

She laughed, and for a few days we made plans. She spent her last days with smiles on her face and hope in her eyes. At the end, she kissed me and said she would be with me at her granddaughter’s birth. I was to look for a sign. “Teach her to weave the clan colors. They must be carried on.”

“I will, Mother. She will learn to use your loom as I did.”

“Jahna, you will be a good mother.” She blessed me with the highest praise a mother can give a daughter. My heart filled with pride and sorrow.

She died in her sleep during the next full moon. Lovern gently cradled me in his arms while we mourned our loss. A large owl, my mother’s sign, made its resting place in the tree outside our door after hunting.

She watched over me and mine for the rest of our time. She still watches over my blood.

C
HAPTER
16

JAHNA

76 AD May

My mother had blessed me before she died, and the time the baby grew in me was easy. I slept in our bed, our home protected by Lovern and our crystals, comforted by his warm breath on my neck and arm over my shoulder. This was a time of peace and recovery for my body and mind. Passage dreams were not a part of this life, nor were visions, until the night before Crisi’s birth, ten days after the Beltane ceremony.

Our Beltane festival was good that year. Our animals were healthy, many carried young, and our crops grew fruitful with an early warm spring. Lovern and the clan members, satisfied with the graces and blessings the gods had given us, knew we would have enough food for next winter.

Sleep had become precious to me and I did not get enough as the size of my belly grew. When I did sleep, it was for short times. The night before my birthing pain started, I settled next to Lovern, trying to get as comfortable as possible on my side. I realized I had to pee and groaned.

“What is it? Have the pains started?” Lovern was as ready for our daughter to be born as I.

“No. I must pee. Again. And I will take a small walk. The moon is full, and I want to sit under it, alone, for a time. When the babe is born, I will not have any time alone.”

Lovern pushed against my back to help me get my unmovable body up. The baby, a small boulder’s weight I carried in my belly, threw my balance off. It was difficult to rise out of bed without help. I would not only welcome a healthy babe but my body back as well when the time came.

Outside, on a stool near our well, I sat for a few moments in the light of the moon, envisioning our home with a small child in it. My body cooled, I shivered, and rose to go in. On my walk back, a flash of light caused me to look up at our home. It had disappeared. In front of me was the framework of an unfinished lodge. Gazing around, I saw it was the house Lovern and I now lived in. Where I grew up. Instead of walls, rooms, and a fire pit, only the support posts and cross beams for a future roof were standing. The room we built, where his crystals laid buried under the posts, was part of the shell that was outlined by the timbers. This was strange; we added that room after he came to live in my mother’s home. I stood, turning and staring deep into the unfinished abode. I searched for something precious to me.

I walked into it and paced around the uneven floor. A picture dropped into my mind, and I realized I was looking for a baby. There, crying, lying on the cold dirt, was a newborn girl child. She was naked on the White Stag pelt. An owl, my mother’s sign, was perched on the floor next to her in a protective stance. The owl hooted and watched me intently as I walked to the baby. I stooped to the floor; the owl grew quiet, and the baby stopped crying. I picked her up and saw my eyes studying me from her face.

The goddess whispered her name into my ear like a spring breeze.
Crisi.
Her eyes looked deep into mine with the knowledge of all newborns, the knowledge we forget as we grow. Her hands waved in the air in front of her face. I reached for them. She grabbed my finger in a strong grip. I looked at her feet, raised above her nakedness. Lovern’s second toes on each foot were longer than his large ones and she had toes like her father. He said it was a family mark from his mother. This child, Crisi, was a child of ours, a mixture of our families. This was our baby. I cradled her gently as I lifted her to the stars to display her to the gods.

“This is my daughter. This is Lovern’s daughter. This is Crisi, the one who will carry our blood into the future.”

A pain brought me back, seated outside my home in the dirt, empty hands lifted to the sky.