The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (34 page)

KARL
: It was the gorillas thing today. It was mental.

RICKY
: Oh, yeah, of course. Did you see one?

KARL
: Yeah. I saw a family of them. They wanted me to give some quote of what I was feeling like, but I couldn’t think of anything. What
would you have said in that situation? With a gorilla seven foot away holding its kid. Quick, we’ve got the camera on, gotta do this quick, ’cos he’s gonna piss off in a
minute . . . what would you say?

RICKY
: This is one of the greatest privileges of my life.

KARL
: Is that it?

RICKY
: Well, yeah, what else would you say? What a privilege to see that. My God, you’re one of the luckiest people in the world, Karl.

KARL
: Yeah, but it was a nightmare to get there. This is the thing you didn’t see. You don’t see people on the telly having to go
through the trek and by the time you get there you can’t be arsed, honestly, because your mind’s thinking, ‘I’ve gotta walk back.’ Um, I just remembered a fact
– that the word ‘gorilla’ means, um, ‘hairy woman’. I think I heard that at some point.

RICKY
: It means what?

KARL
: Hairy woman. I don’t know what language it is, but apparently that’s what it means.

RICKY
: I didn’t know that. Is that true?

KARL
: I think so, yeah. So, there’s that, and, um, they’ve got thumbs and that, and, um, their feet are good.

RICKY
: Brilliant. You are just like Attenborough. ‘They’ve got thumbs and that.’ ‘Hairy women.’

KARL
: No, but when the pressure’s on ya . . .

RICKY
:
(laughs)

KARL
: They shit a lot. There’s another fact. They’ve got little ears . . .

RICKY
: Yup, OK, don’t blow it. Quit while you’re ahead
(laughs).
Let’s not get into too much detail. Let’s not
get too biological.

KARL
: I know the trip was all about the gorillas, but I reckon I’ve done a lot more since I’ve been here. I’ve made a lot of
difference. You sorted that thing out for me to build a hut. I’ve done that for them.

RICKY
: Yup.

KARL
: I’ve taught kids how to ride a bike. I . . . what else did I do? I cooked for the King and his mates. I shifted that rhino.
That’s another charity act. What else have I done?

RICKY
: You finally did the bungee jump, which is pretty amazing, considering how adamant you were at the beginning about not doing it.

KARL
: But, yeah, listen . . . I want to finish this trip and I’ll pay the money when I get back and then that way it’s all . . .

RICKY
: No, no.

KARL
: No, I don’t mind. That’s what I’m gonna do.

RICKY
: I’ll do it.

KARL
: No, I wanna. Honestly, I wanna.

RICKY
: I tried to get you to do it, and you’ve tried it. You’ve done it.

KARL
: No, but . . .

RICKY
: The bet was . . . the bet was that I paid it if you did the jump. You did the jump, so I’ll pay.

KARL
: I know, but I just feel like if I pay . . .

RICKY
: No, because then I should do something. You did the jump, so I should pay.

KARL
: I didn’t do it! I didn’t do the jump!

(silence)

RICKY
: What do you mean, you didn’t do the jump?

KARL
: I didn’t do it.

RICKY
: You didn’t do the bungee jump?

KARL
: Hmmm.

RICKY
: What, you just lied and said you did?

KARL
: Yeah, because you and Stephen kept going on about it.

RICKY
: Hold on a minute, where were you gonna tell me you didn’t do it?

KARL
: Well, I wasn’t gonna bother telling you because . . .

RICKY
: But I’d have seen the footage of you not jumping.

KARL
: Yeah, but I got Luke to put my hat on and do the jump, but his hat came off, so you can see he’s not bald, so it didn’t
work.

RICKY
: Right, so, you didn’t. You got a stunt double. You got Luke to do the bungee jump and you thought that would fool me?

KARL
: Well, he’s not a double, is he? That was the problem. The hat came off. He’s got a great head of hair.

RICKY
:
(laughs)
Have you got the footage then, that you wanted to put in the show?

KARL
: It’s recorded, but it’s no use because his hat came off. Well, my hat came off.

RICKY
: You are the worst. Like one of those dumbest criminals ever. I can’t even be angry with you because you’re so useless.

KARL
: Well, we can split the money then.

RICKY
: No, no, no. You’re paying it. You didn’t do the jump. That’s hilarious. Not only have you made a complete twonk of
yourself, showing that you’re a coward and a liar, you’re £2,500 down
(laughs).
That’s amazing. This is my best day ever. But, listen, you saw the gorillas.
I’m not gonna get the footage back and it’s Luke in a fucking fur coat?

KARL
:
(laughs)

RICKY
:
(laughs)