The Future Has a Past (21 page)

Her spirit had come into her, was no longer outside screaming through the days and nights.

Then . . . with a smile that came from her warm and happy heart, she turned to her old front door. When she closed the door behind her, in a manner of speaking, she flew, soaring away too.

The Lost and the Found

Now . . . I am not an old woman, nor a young woman neither. I’m not too smart, but I’m not too dumb either. And I don’t go round tendin to other folks’ business, like watchin everybody every day. And long as I been livin I ain’t seen nothin more pitiful than a fool! Lessen its death. I got sense enough to know where I been, so sometimes I can tell where somebody else is goin. One of the things I seen is women proud to think they are beautiful, men proud of the same thing, but men add the pride of making babies. Chile, it’s a dangerous world out there! Just chuck full of fools. And you can blive that! Yes mam!

I live in a little town that is so small, half of it is in the country. Oh, it’s big enough to have some bars and food places for young folks to have a drink and dance if they want to. And it got three churches which I ain’t sure God knows about, but I ain’t no judge. No mam. I go back and forth to all of them . . . looking for the spirit of truth. Then I talk to God all by myself so He will not get my intentions mixed up with nobody else’s.

But, the thing about fools is some of em think they havin fun makin fools of everybody else and the biggest fool of all is them! It’s all kind of fools, you know: the fools they make and the fools they are their own self.

I’m old enough for things in my life to mostly all be behind me now. I live alone and I don’t have too much to do, so you know you just do have time to sit out on your porch or in your window and watch the world as it tries to pass by, stumblin, walkin or runnin, even sometimes staggerin, along the way. So I just accidently see things in the day and in the night cause I don’t seem to sleep good much as I used to. I was younger then and I guess I was just tired enough tryin to survive, to sleep longer. Now, my life ain’t full of so much . . . stuff, so I guess I don’t need so much rest. Even sinning is a job. Yes mam!

I’m a friendly person, so I got friends that stop by, now and again. They sit on my red porch swing and talk. I like that swing cause folks get comfortable in it and just talk and talk, chile.

You may call me Mrs. Everly. I got a first name, but you don’t need it. You can come on by and sit and talk sometime.

The reason I’m talkin like this is because I got a friend of mine in my mind. She is a young girl, but she is a woman, cause she got two children, sons. She made some mistakes cause she got them kids and she ain’t never been married . . . yet. He, the father of them babies, always promisin her though. Men usually make them kinda promises. Keepin em is somethin else. Yes mam. Promises are free. You can make em all day if you want to! Keepin em, sometimes, takes a heap more time.

Now, I know it’s new times we livin in, they say. Modern. You know what I mean; livin with somebody you ain’t married to, or havin babies for em and you still ain’t married to em. They gettin what they want, but usually you ain’t! Times may be new, but human beings ain’t and they will do what you let em do or what you make em do. Yes MAM!

Somebody need to tell them women if a man want you, they will marry you! That’s true! If they don’t want you, just want your body for a good time, then, seem to me, you can’t leave them alone fast enough. When I was growin up, I knew for my own self, if you didn’t love me enough to marry me, respect me, I couldn’t love you enough to let you use my body . . . too much, and certainly not put no baby in it! No mam. I owed my possible baby more than that and I sure owed myself more! I did not intend to go down the street draggin no tears runnin down my face and babies holdin on to my dress tail and a bag of dirty diapers in my arms! while the daddy is somewhere else tryin to make another one. No sir!

But, can’t nobody run life like they want to every time. A little bit always gets away from you.

I’m thinkin of that nice young woman I was tellin you about; her name is Irene. Irene is a friend of mine, too. I try to help her when I can. She lives up the road there, in the country part of this town. I can see the house from here on my porch. Now, that boy-man who made them babies, they call him “Cool” cause he cool. Makes me want to laugh, but it is too pitiful. He got Irene and she been waitin on him to marry her for bout nine years. She love him, she say. He SAY he loves her, too.

I have to stop and tell you this little thing. I have a nephew name of Joe who has a little bar and cafe just a little ways up towards town and Joe loves that red swing of mine and sittin talkin to me. He say it rests his mind. I don’t never go to his bar cept for the times his cook don’t come in, then I go up there and cook for him. It do me good. A little exercise, you know. Plus, you see some STUFF goin on in there! People’s business and all. Joe told me Cool loves all women. That mostly he comes in lookin for some “action.” See? I told you! I hear . . . they say . . . women give him presents; gifts and money, clothes and just whatever he need . . . That’s what THEY say . . .

So that’s why Cool be at them bars all the time, when he ain’t hidin from somebody. And Joe is why I hear bout what might be going on sometimes.

Every once in a while, at night when I can’t sleep and be sittin at my window, I see Cool walkin down this road front of my house and I know he headin for Irene. She cook him something nice and, the boys are sleep, so he make some quick sex to her and get some safe sleep he sure must need, then he gone again, til next time he need some food or safe sleep. But, I got to tell the truth about him; he loooooves his sons! They are his pride and joy. He don’t give em much, he lets Irene do all the gettin and givin, but he brags about them all the time. When anyone questions his manhood, he throw them kids up in their face and pounds on his chest. Just like a fool. He act like it was something hard to do, like everything on earth ain’t makin babies all the time. Or wouldn’t the earth be empty? So what kind of man do it make you just cause you made a baby?! Jesus help me!

Irene don’t give him no money, though. Can’t. She ain’t got none to give. She bout thirty years old now, Cool is bout thirty-six or -seven. Irene works domestic, so she can carry her sons with her when they not in school. You already know she don’t make much, but all she makes go into those sons of hers.

There is an older man, Russell, Russell Summer, who owns that house she rents. Russell bout forty-five years old or so. He is the nicest, kindest, man! He go check on her pretty regular, cause he got to keep that house up. But I don’t think he is tryin to court her. I don’t see nobody else going to Irene’s house like they courtin her, either. She just waitin. Working and waitin for Cool, Mr. Main Man, to get a real job and marry her. Poor chile.

Irene visits me and we talk, sometimes, cause when life gets too full of sh—stuff, you got to let some of it out and I am her friend cause all women are my sisters, specially the sad ones.

I got two friends much closer to my age. Rether, bout sixty-five years old. She use’ta always like to be in some juke joint or bar. She thought she was a “swinger,” as they say now. She like to say that too. Rether had different men, lot of em, in her life. She alone now. But you can see every drink she ever had and all them lines that was slapped and knocked into her face. They ain’t no love lines either, they lyin lines. Rether even got nerve to think she still look good, too! Now, I know women can look good at sixty-five, even seventy-five years of age, but Rether ain’t one of them! Them older lookin-good women took better care of their self! See, lipstick and powder don’t cover up bitterness and old pain and selfishness. They the things that make you look old. She likes to think she still looks like she use’ta, and I don’t worry her none about it, cause what she got left . . . but dreams?

Rether got a niece named LaTanya. LaTanya! They call her Tan-Tan. She only bout forty-four, forty-five years old. Combination waitress and sell a little bit of herself sometime, but still she be broke all the time. Hear tell even she likes that ole Cool.

My other friend is Agatha. Don’t know where her mother went to come up with that name, but she sure did and Agatha got it. And you have to call her “Agatha” cause she does not like to be called “Aggie.” She bout sixty-seven now. She always was what some people call a prude, but she was always neat and I have to say she musta been wise cause she had two husbands and kept em. The first one died, then she got the second one. She’s a good person, keeps a clean body and a clean house. They left her with a nice house ALL her own, not the bank’s, and it is full of very nice things. She drives her own car. Rether ain’t got one.

But, Agatha is nosy. Very nosy. (Not like me.) I have the print of her behind in my red swing over the years. That print is only pink now. So . . . such as they are, they are my friends and it’s hard to fine good friends, chile.

Well, anyway, I knew em when they started, Cool and Irene, bout ten years ago. I have watched the years go by, leavin shadows on Irene’s face, and don’t never see no shadows on Cool’s face. Course, I mostly see him at night when you can’t see shadows too good noway, but from all I hear, a shadow ain’t got no place to stop in his brain long enough to reach his face.

Now, I ain’t too old to remember how it is being in love, cause I had three husbands and two of em didn’t die. I loved em all! So I know bout love. Heck, one of em, when he made love to me? Could make me speak something sound like Spanish. Couple times I think I even spoke some Chinese. I’m just tryin to tell you, I know somethin about love. And I love that little Irene cause she try so hard. And when she come to see me, tears runnin down her pretty little face, it just bout like to kill me inside my heart.

She has cried a lot, right there in that red swing with me sittin next to her, holdin her, tryin to soothe her grief. I tell her to find somebody else. I KNOW somebody that is a good man would sure want her! I tell her plenty things, like there are twenty million men look as good and better than he does, and at least half of them would want her. I don’t know if she takes my words to heart or not, but I ain’t givin up! I talk to her about pure-dee, down-right, do-right life. I don’t want her to keep bein no fool for nobody. Specially not be a fool FOR a fool. No sir.

See, I know she is poor; “necessity” poor. She gets all the things her children need, but she don’t get nothing she wants. Now, I know, also, a woman like to look good for the man she wants to marry her. More’n a couple times I went and bought pretty material. Oh, I can sew, chile, I mean, I can sew! Anything! I sew for her sons, too. And I made her nice pretty dresses for her to wear to church and when she knows Cool would be comin to see her. I don’t have to like him, but, since she loves him, I want her to be happy. I want him to see what a pretty woman he had. But that damn fool couldn’t see them dresses for takin em off of her and castin them out the way. He can’t see nobody but hisself!

Well, what you gonna do? Least I know he loves them two boys. Joe, my nephew, say he always braggin about them boys! ALLLL the time. See, I know what it is; those boys, sons, make his manhood. Yes sir! They are all he has to show for it. You can’t count these women who be runnin after him to be nothin cause they would be runnin after somebody else if he wasn’t there. No, they don’t count for much. Cause if you have to run after somebody, they must not want you, cause people run towards somethin they want, not away from it. And my gramma told me a man is a hunter, you know; you better let him do the huntin! Yes mam.

Don’t too many people like a fool, but another fool! I sure hate to think Irene is a fool, or goin to stay the one she is for Cool. She is such a nice person, sweet . . . and a good mother. I mean!

Now, you know what? It’s too bad she ain’t old enough for that Mr. Summer. His wife passed on bout ten years ago and he ain’t picked nobody else yet. Ole Rether tried, but she too old for that man, he bein only in his forties. He got a nice house and other property too! Besides the one Irene lives in. Got a good steady job cause he works for hisself. Painting contractor. That’s how he got some of his property; bought a few of them old houses and fixed em up. Yes mam, he is one of the good men. I told Irene he is the kind she needs cause you can love a man like that. Safe love. SafER anyway.

People think “safe love” must be boring. Not full of surprises like that challengin love Rether always wanted. Sometimes anything can be boring. But Rether’s “challengin love” ran over her like a tractor, her face and her life too, I think. Whereas Agatha’s safer love left her face, body and life intact. She still had a future when he was gone.

Now I don’t mean you’re not goin to have any trouble with a man, or woman, who gives you “safe love” cause you can only tell what has happened the last minute; you don’t know nothin bout what’s gonna happen the next minute! And you don’t know nothin bout what nobody is gonna do until they are dead. But, everybody knows, some people are more careful with their life than other people. Have more chance at happiness and peace. That’s what I mean.

Mr. Summer did some work for Agatha and she said he talked about Irene a little. Say he sure does like her and wish she would do better for herself and the boys. He love them boys, but I know he got better sense than to love another man’s woman. And it is good of Mr. Summer to pick the boys up and carry them to church on Sunday cause Cool sure ain’t gonna do it. Irene goes when she ain’t too tired. Chile, that church too slow and quiet for Cool, but Irene, tryin to smile, says he likes to see her boys go. He really likes somethin good belongin to him. Phooey!

But I have come to find out, there was a lot of things I did not know, chile. Me! Sittin up here talkin bout other people bein fools and here I am some kind of fool myself, thinkin I could know into somebody else’s life. And judge, even! God is right, honey, don’t think you know so much you can judge nobody.

Oh, ain’t life somethin?! Lord, every day I wonder at it! Then I look up and I have found somethin else that makes me marvel at it again. But, that’s life and ain’t it good?

Listen at me, sittin up here talkin you to pieces and you ain’t said nothin. But ain’t I right? Trials and tribulations teach you all kinds of things? Now, what have you learned? Are you one of them fools? I have to laugh at myself cause listen at me askin you that!