The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (112 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. What do a blonde and a lottery ticket have in common?

A. All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A man goes to the doctor complaining of elbow pain. The doctor tells him he needs a urine sample to test. The man complies, and the doctor takes the cup to a very strange machine and pours it in. After a few seconds the machine prints out a sheet of paper. The doctor tells the man, “Well, it looks like you have tennis elbow.”

The man argues, saying that there is no way. The doctor informs him that his new machine is 99% accurate. So the man, determined to fool the machine, goes home and has his daughter pee in a cup. Then he puts oil from his car in it and jacks off in it. He takes it to the doctor and tells him he’s not feeling well and gives him the cup. The doctor puts it in the machine, and a few seconds later the paper prints out.

“Well, what does it say?” asks the man.

The doctor just looks at him and replies, “Well, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and if you don’t stop jerking off you’ll never get rid of that tennis elbow.”

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day, Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I’m going to kill myself.”

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says, “The truth is, Sheila, not only are you a great lay, but you’re a real sport too,” and drives off.

A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

The father replied, “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.”

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader’s table. Said the mysterious old woman, “For $15, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That’s true,” said Paul.

“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”

“Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.”

Two men were discussing popular family trends in sex, marriage and values. Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Steve replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”