The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (113 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A. Neither. The rooster came first.

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

Two men were sitting in the doctor’s office and one asked the other, “What are you here for?”

The man replied, “I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?”

The other man said, “I have a green ring around my pecker.”

The doctor called the man with the red ring into his office first and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor said, “Your pecker is going to fall off and you are going to die.”

The mans said, “What?? You told the man with the red ring he was OK, but I’m going to die?”

The doctor said, “Yes, but there’s a lot of difference between lipstick and gangrene!”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” Poof! she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna.” Poof! she’s gone.

The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asks.

“Sara Pipalini,” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $100 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week she went out and spent $12,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound stupid. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,” he chuckles. “My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there, and she doesn’t even have a prick!”

There were these three farmers who wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decided that they should stick a cork in the pig’s ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and, sure enough, they won first prize.

Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.

The reporter asked the first farmer, “What is the last thing you remember?”

“Shit flying everywhere,” the farmer replied.

The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, “What’s the matter?”

The farmer replied, “The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey’s face as he tried to stick the cork back in.”

One night after watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”

The man replied, “Is that your final answer?”

She said, “Yes.”

“OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.”

There was a geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today’s world and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell’s Angels biker club and tapped on the door. “Excuse me, sirs, I’d like to join your club, if you please,” she croaked in her feeble voice.

A grunt came from inside, “Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!”

“Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys,” she croaked back.

“Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke,” he lied, trying to brush her off.

“Does marijuana count? Because I don’t mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys.”

“Umm, I suppose it does count,” the biker said, and thinking quickly on his feet, said, “Look, we’re a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“No,” she replied, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a few times.”