The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (32 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
A man feeling rather down in the dumps after splitting up with his girlfriend goes and sees his buddy.
His buddy has sympathy for him and says, “You can borrow my girlfriend, she’s very frisky.”
The other man replies, “Wow. Really?!”
Then his buddy says, “Oh, by the way, she can sing while giving a blow job but you have to turn out the light.”
Later that night he turns out the light and she starts giving him a blow job and he hears singing in a wonderful voice.
The next day he asks his buddy, “How the hell does she do that?”
His buddy replies, “You can have her again tonight, but while she’s giving you a blow job turn on the light.”
That night he turns out the light and she starts giving him a blow job and the singing starts, so the guy reaches over and switches the lamp on. He then notices that on the bedside table next to the lamp is a GLASS EYE.
A man walks into a whorehouse and asks the madam,
“Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “No, we’re not.”
He says, “Then you can’t have my business because I only shop at union businesses.”
He walks into a second whorehouse and asks the madam, “Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “No, we’re not.”
He says, “Then you can’t have my business because I only shop at union businesses.”
He then walks into a third whorehouse and asks the madam, “Pardon me, madam, are you a union whorehouse?”
She replies, “Why, yes, we are.”
He says, “Then you have my business because I only shop at union businesses, and I’ll take that pretty blonde in the corner.”
The madam replies, “Oh, I’m sorry you can’t have her. You have to take the fat, ugly one because she has seniority.”
One day a little girl and a little boy were at the park with their pants pulled down. The little girl asked the little boy, “What is that?”
And the little boy said, “I don’t know.”
Then the little boy asked the little girl the same thing and she said she didn’t know.
So that night the little girl asked her mom and her mom said, “That’s your garage, and you must not let any big trucks go in.”
Meanwhile, at the little boy’s house, the little boy asked his dad what ‘it’ was and his dad said, “That’s your big truck and you must not park it in any garage.”
The next day the boy and the girl pulled their pants down again, but this time the girl went home with blood on her hands. Her mom screamed and asked why she had blood on her hands.
The girl said, “The boy tried to put his big truck in my garage so I pulled his two back tires off.”
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there’s a frog inside.
The blonde says, “He’s cute, but does he do tricks?”
The guy says, “Yes, he licks pussy.”
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blonde says, “Well? What’s up?”
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, “All right, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Two old retirees are taking a trip down memory lane and have gone on vacation back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a café the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this café, went around the corner behind the factory and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again and I’ll give you one from behind.”
The two retirees pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old retirees going at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two retirees near the factory. The little old lady pulls off her panties and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.
The man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could fuck like that now, let alone in fifty years time!”
The two old retirees have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Gathering the courage he approaches the older man.
He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody screw like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you screw like that fifty years ago?”
The retiree replies, “Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn’t electric.”
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