The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (36 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have had a really bad day the day you died.
So the next day the first person came to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate promptly asked the man to tell him about the day he died.
“Well, for some time now, I thought my wife was having an affair and that each day on her lunch hour she’d bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in, and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn’t find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die. This got me even more enraged so I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him, which turned out to be the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. So he announced, “OK, sir, welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. “OK, here’s the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.”
“Sure thing,” the next man replied. “But you’re not going to believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine, when, all of a sudden, this crazy man came running out of his apartment and started cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I lay there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I saw the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it fell directly on top of me and killed me!”
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “Very well,” he announces. “Welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man comes up to the gate. “Tell me about the day you died,” says the angel.
“OK, picture this,” says the man. “I’m naked inside a refrigerator...”
Q. Why do women pierce their belly button?
A. So they have a place to hang their air freshener.
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her house after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blow job?”
“What? You’re crazy!!!”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick. No problem.”
“No!! Someone may see. A relative, a neighbor...”
“At this time of night no one will show up.”
“I’ve already said no, and I mean NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small blow job...I know you like it too.”
“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”
“Baby...don’t be like that.”
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair all a mess, rubbing her eyes and says,
“Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the other’s a crack snacker!
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
A businessman met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) It had never been occupied before; (2) That there was plenty of heat; (3) That it was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I can not understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of warmth if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.
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