The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (39 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo.
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing he knows he’s in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $50 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one, “Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well-hung is beyond me!”
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the wife quite a bit.
One day, the toilet blocked up. So when her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?”
Her husband snarled, “Who do I look like, a plumber?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. Again, when her husband got home, she said very nicely, “Honey, the disposal has broken. Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “Who do I look like, the plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was out of order. When her husband got home, she worked up her courage and said, “Honey, the washing machine isn’t working. Would you check it?”
And again she was met with a snarl, “Who do I look like, the repairman?”
Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washing machine. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “How much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled.
“Who do I look like? Sara Lee?”
Women are just like cartons of orange juice.
It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is—it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!
He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.
He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.
Panicking, he called the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.
“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?”
Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk.”
The last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.
Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the interview with a very long flowing cape, a whip and chair. The man showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies first.”
The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip-snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, flung back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
Our tiger now circled her sniffing the air and suddenly bounded to her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.
The owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act. Think you can do better that that?”
The man said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage first.”
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They go back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a low shelf, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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