The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (18 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?”
Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim one blows herself up!”
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas, not to mention years of being hunted and killed, so they got together to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed by their leader.
“What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up.”
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting slapped his tail on the water for attention.
The leader said, “Yes, Mervin? Do you have something to say?”
Mervin replied, “Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won’t swallow any seamen.”
A man is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonely, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The man is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The man says, “You sound like just what I am looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I bet he’ll sell.”
The man buys the parrot and for three months things go very well. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him about the latest sports results and what happened in politics that day.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The man says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the postman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The man says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”
The man says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The man says, “My God, what happened next?!”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
Man: My wife’s kinky. She likes sex in her ear.
Friend: Why’s that?
Man: Well every time I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head.
A nude woman looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look horrible, fat and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?”
The husband replies, “Well, your eyesight’s excellent.”
An Indian chief decided it was time to give his three sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent together with the elders of the tribe.
He turns to the first son, “Son, you will be called Eagle.”
The third son interrupts, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” replied the Chief.
He continued, “You will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the second son, but the third son said, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued to the second son, “Son, you will be called Swallow.”
The third son said again, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued, “You will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the third son who was asking, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“Son, you will be called Thrush.”
“Why is that father?” he asked excitedly.
“Because you are an irritating little c**t.”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...
HAMBURGER: $1
CHEESEBURGER: $2
HAND JOB: $3
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter.
“Can I help you?” she asks with a smile.
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
“Well wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”
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