The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (71 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, “Oh no! Not for me!”

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow job. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.”

The Devil then says, “Good. Hey, Monica, you’ve been replaced.”

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks, “Granny, can you show me a magic trick?”

“No, dear, but I think your grandfather knows one.”

So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks, “Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks. Could you show me one?”

The grandfather looks at her, “Sure, just hop on my lap!” So the little girl jumps on his lap. “Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?” asks the grandpa.

“Yeah,” replies the girl.

“Well, look, no hands!”

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things, daddy?”

His dad said, “Condoms, son.”

The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3, and 12?”

The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys on Saturday night; the ones with three are for the college boys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, for January, February, March...”

The seven most important men in a woman’s life:

1. The Doctor, who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

2. The Dentist, who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman, who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser, who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer, who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker, who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

7. The Primal Hunter, who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her to, “Keep quiet and lie still!”

Two gay male lovers are talking, and Bob says to Jon, “I wish I had chest hair like you.”

So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says, “It will work in about two months.”

Two months later Bob still has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes.

The Doctor says, “Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.”

Jon comes home that day and sees Bob rubbing Vaseline, and asks, “Why?”

Bob says, “To grow chest hair.”

Jon says, “If Vaseline made your hair grow, you would have a ponytail coming out of your ass!”

A man is driving out in the middle of the country, very lost. Finally, he spots two farmhouses. He goes up to the first house and looks in the doorway. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says, “What’s up with your neighbors?”

And the owner of the house says, “Oh, that’s the Robinson’s—they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home, there she was spread-eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. “Come over here, baby,” she said, smiling.

The boyfriend backed off, “If your pussy can do that to your panties, I’m not going anywhere near it!”

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arrange that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocks the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins there are handfuls of five-and ten-dollar bills. He asks his wife, “What’s up with all the bills?”

To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”