The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (69 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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A tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother, “my child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The doctor dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX—When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX—After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX—After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say, “FUCK YOU.”
COURTROOM SEX—When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor.
“Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra. She takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting HIV—that’s why I am here!”
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks—my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!”
The cat says, “I don’t think so—my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.”
The penis, outraged, says, “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”
A man and a woman start to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
A couple just got married, and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband, being shocked, replies, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was... Oh, do I miss him!”
John has just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask for a show of hands as to how often the attendees have sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who have sex almost every night. A modest number of hands are raised. He then asks, how many have sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands are raised. John then asks how many have sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands are raised. After John polls his group several more times, he notices one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John notices that the guy has never raised his hand, so he asks him how often he has sex. The guy says, “Once a year!”
John responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”
Three guys go to a ski lodge, but there aren’t enough rooms so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and, unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing!”
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

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