The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (66 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
An enraged woman says to her cheating boyfriend, “You just think with your penis.”
“No, I don’t,” the boyfriend replies, “it does all the thinking for me.”
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is about four months pregnant.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No, mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on Earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”
A small boy is separated from his father at a football game, so he goes up to a policeman and says, “I’ve lost my dad!”
“What’s he like?” the cop inquires.
“Beer and loose women…”
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice).
“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I’ve ever seen and the more he talked, the dumber he got!”
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk she began to undress for the day’s work.
He told her not to bother because he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home—he only wanted some hot tea and then bed.
The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.” He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
“Oh my God!” he whispered loudly. “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?”
“Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes and burns.”
“Do you use it for anything else?”
“Like what?”
“Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!”
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