The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (65 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A navy chief and an admiral are sitting in the barbershop.
They have both just finished shaving, and the barber reaches for some aftershave.
“Hey! Don’t put that stuff on me!” the admiral shouts. “My wife will think I’ve been in a brothel!”
The chief turns to his barber and says, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: “Hi! I am so happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It looks like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been 10 years!”
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: “Thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been 10 years!”
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!”
A young girl says to her boyfriend, “You’re the first man I’ve ever been with. Am I your first?”
“Possibly,” the boyfriend says. “Were you in Las Vegas in 2003?”
Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A: A Fjord Escort.
A 16-year-old boy comes home and tells his father, “Dad, I had my first blow job today.”
Dad is delighted. He thinks his son is going to be a world- class Casanova. “How did it feel?” asks Dad.
“Not too bad,” replies the son, “but my jaw aches like hell, and it leaves a strange taste in your mouth.”
Terry was talking to his friend at the bar, and said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday—she has everything—and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”
His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it? She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Terry decided to take his friend’s advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” Terry replied.
“Did she like it?”
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!’”
A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order a few tables away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.
Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
“No, he didn’t,” the woman calmly replies. “He just walked in the door.”
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lisa asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Lisa,” said Mr. Goldstein. “My private parts died today and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein. Please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Lisa.
“Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “you shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private parts back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Lisa,” replied Mr. Goldstein, “I told you yesterday that my private parts died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why are they hanging out of your pajamas?” asked Nurse Lisa.
“Well,” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.”
Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie pulls down her panties and takes her from behind!
He turns to Elton and says, “Your turn,” but Elton starts crying. “What’s wrong?” asks Robbie.
Elton sobs and says, “My head won’t fit in the railings!”
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