The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (60 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A. Married.
Little Johnny watched his science teacher start an experiment with worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol—dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke—dead.
The third worm in sperm—dead.
The fourth worm in soil—alive.
So the science teacher asked the class, “What can you learn from this experiment?”
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”
For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Here’s an update for you:
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because they realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has dirtied his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.”
A chicken farmer goes to a local bar, sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” he says. “This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clink glasses he asks, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replies.
She smiles and says, “What a coincidence!”
An elderly gentleman went to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked, “How many?”
The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through sex.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past eighty years old and I don’t even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died. Oh Christ, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
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