The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (92 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of “emotions.” So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue.
“You were supposed to dress up as an emotion,” stated the doorman.
“We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion.”
Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple came up to the door dressed in all red clothing.
“Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!”
To which the couple replied, “We are. Our red clothes symbolize anger. Besides, you let the other couple in blue in.”
Again, the doorman agreed to let them in.
Then along came a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it.
The wide-eyed doorman looked at him, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you have been invited to this dinner.”
To which the black man responded in a thick Jamaican accent, “Actually, I was invited!”
“Well, you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion.”
The black guy said, “I am in a costume. I’m deep in despair!”
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret because she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”
“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.
“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”
One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
“How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”
The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.
“I’m awfully tired,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”
Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was “no.” Finally, he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
“How adorable, Joe!” she cried. “But what are they for?”
“These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”
Q. What are those little bumps around women’s nipples?
A. It’s Braille for “suck here.”
There once was a couple named Blairs,
Who liked to fuck on the stairs,
When the banister broke,
He quickened his stroke,
And finished her off in the air.
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she was having her period and didn’t have any tampons. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.”
Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella! 1 a.m., 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., and still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5 a.m. rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door. The fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?!?”
To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, I went back to his place and I had a great time. His name was Peter, Peter, Pumpkin ...”
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, a guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, in fact, female juices.
“But you’re balder than I am,” protested the customer.
“True,” admitted the barber. “But you’ve got to admit, I’ve got one hell of a moustache!”
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they find they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea. Now, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis once, and if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.”

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