The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (96 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year, she went to a hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the guy. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil—this one’s black.”
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When the patient was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the wound’s dressing that said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to divide one of the larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn’t been paid and he regularly threatened, “Pay me or I’ll rip out the partition.”
Finally, the madam offered to pay him in trade. “Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her.”
“I’ll take you.”
“Me? I’m an old lady. Take one of those young, good- looking chicks.”
“I want you.”
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger up her ass. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“I told you before. Pay me or I’ll rip out the partition.”
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.
Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. “They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon.”
An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
A wife says to her friend, “Our sex life is great.”
Her friend says, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face when you’re having sex?”
She says, “Once, and I saw rage.”
Her friend says, “Why would he be angry during sex?”
The wife says, “Because he was looking through the window at us.”
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. Lickalotopuss.
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn’t find dates to the graduation ball. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister. That’s gross.”
Jill said, “Come on. Promise me if you can’t find another date, you’ll take me.”
So Jack said, “OK.” Well, Jack couldn’t find a date so he went with Jill.
They were just standing by the bar, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister. That’s gross.”
Jill said, “Come on. It’ll be fun.”
So Jack said, “OK,” and they had a great time.
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