The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (99 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. Why are women like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.
A gentleman had called room service.
“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
“No, thank you,” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife?” he asked.
“Yeah! That’s a good idea,” the guy said. “Please bring up a postcard.”
One day an old farmer fell asleep on the upper floor of his hay loft. When he woke up, he saw his son having sex with his girlfriend in the hay below. He decided he wouldn’t disturb them, so he lay down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, “Father, father up above, give me strength for one last shove.”
So the father, being witty, replied, “Son, son down below, get off and give your father a go.”
Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you—I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.
Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says, “For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer, who I see is here tonight. I will also need a table.”
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her panties and take her from behind.
David Copperfield is horrified and says, “That’s not a trick!!”
The man replies, “Maybe not for you, but for me it’s fucking magic.”
A married man, unfortunately, had a very small dick, so every time he had sex with his wife he used a cucumber instead of his dick. For seven years he had been doing that. One night his wife suspected that something was wrong. So while they were having sex she quickly threw back the cover and turned on the lights!
The woman said, “What the hell is that? Are you using a cucumber on me? I am shocked! For seven years you have been doing that, you bastard!”
So the man said, “Shut up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!”
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great—some asshole’s got my pen.”
A gay guy walks into the doctor’s office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off, the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Does it work?”
The man answers, “Sure does... I haven’t had a butt in three weeks!”
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her and says,
“I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
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