The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (101 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Police officers George and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout, and after I showered I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”
George replied, “We don’t have to go back. Just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn’t feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shot between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pricked up, he sniffed the wind, and he was off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes went by with no sign of Fido. Ten minutes passed, and the dog was nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes passed, and they were starting to worry.
Twenty minutes passed, and they heard sirens in the distance. The sirens got louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounded the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.
Two brothers from the Third World have a lifelong dream to emigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: HOT DOGS, with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, “What part of the dog did you get?”
An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the postman came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now, class,” she said, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But that’s it—no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
“For fuck’s sake!” the tourist cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a guy fucking a sheep, and now some guy’s jerking himself off in the bar!”
“Well, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep.”
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to get ready and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally, the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead, entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
“My goodness,” she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.”
“Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”
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