The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (44 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. “My car has conked out,” said the traveler. “Where can I spend the night?”
“Why, right here of course!” said the Scot. “Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality.”
The traveler duly entered the humble but cosy residence.
“Jeannie,” shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. “Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality.”
The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal. The girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
“And now,” said the Highlander, “I’m afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world-famous Highland hospitality.”
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job. Suddenly, the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
“After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality,” he roared. “Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man’s balls off the cold floor.”
A missionary is sent into deepest, darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.
“Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!”
One day, the wife of one of the tribe’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!”
The missionary replies, “Oh no, my good man, you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence called an albino. Look in yonder field! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses a moment, and then says, “Tell you what... you don’t say anything about the sheep, and I won’t say anything about the kid.”
A ventriloquist walked up to a farmer and said, “I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”
Farmer: “Horses don’t talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Watch this. Hi, horse. How does your master treat you?”
Horse: “Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your dog talk.”
Farmer: “Dogs can’t talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you well?”
Dog: “Oh! He treats me well. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me.”
Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”
Farmer: “Sheep, lie! Sheep, lie!”
Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny, are all invited to a party, so they go to buy new dancing shoes. Monica comes home with a new pair of size 9 stilettos, Phoebe buys a pair of size 10 strappy sandals but poor Fanny, who takes a manly size 14, is forced to go in men’s wingtips. At the party, Fanny sits alone in the corner watching her sisters cut a rug on the dance floor.
While the two sisters are dancing, two men approach and point down at their feet, “Wow, those are huge feet!” one of the men exclaims.
“If you think those are big,” replies Monica proudly, “wait till you see our Fanny’s!”
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York.
The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds.
A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders.
A few more minutes pass before the woman sneezes and violently shudders again.
Curious, the man says, “I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you OK?”
“I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you,” says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
“Are you taking anything for it?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman. “Pepper.”
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. In front of him he sees a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
If you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5.
So he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pisses on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and sees the horse and the jar. This time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10.
So he puts in ten dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like nobody ever has.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks, “How did you do that?”
The guy says, “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”
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