The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (40 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. “What’s this?!?!?” he screams. “There’s a pubic hair in my soup! I’m not paying for it!” And he storms out.
The waitress gets very upset at this, follows him out and sees him go into the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and yells, “You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???”
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, “Yeah! And if I find a noodle in here, I’m not paying for it EITHER!!!”
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always asking his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, “You really should quit.”
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”
He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to...”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a speciality of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too—you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in New York.”
“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around in large numbers, pushing to get a good look.”
“In large numbers?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she’s fainted!!”
Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done Tommy O’Connor?”
“I had sex with a girl.”
“Who was it, Tommy?”
“I cannot tell you, Father. Please forgive me for my sin.”
“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”
“No, Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”
“No, Father, please forgive me for my sin.”
“Well, then it has to be Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”
“No, Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Okay, Tommy, say five Hail Marys and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.”
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
“What did you get?” asked Joseph.
“Well, I got five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads.”
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
After his day of sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”
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