The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (74 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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His mom replies, “Five dollars, just like Soho!
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied, “Oh, I’m not rewarding him—I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his fucking ass.”
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!
Husband: “Guess who?”
Wife: “I know who it is!”
Husband: “Guess what I want?”
Wife: “I know what you want!”
Husband: “Guess what I’m knocking with?”
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a gourmet dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?”
“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, “Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts.”
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, “Excellent!”
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband’s dick.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
“Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth to hit the ball.”
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they’re dazzled by two women and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispers back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him that to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy.
They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy asked her husband to get them a drink, so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a Wy on his penis.
He said, “Oh, you must have a wife named Wendy, too.”
And the waiter said, “No, my tattoo says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a nice day!!!’”

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