The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (21 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think twice and leapt on board.
After a few minutes of “slap and tickle” they found themselves in the “69” position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”
Little Johnny was supposed to have a “current event” every day for school.
He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, “Johnny, if you don’t have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year.”
He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn, I forgot to prepare my current event.
Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it run across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs.
When he got to school he yelled, “Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!”
She said, “OK what is it, Johnny?”
He told her, “This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ass by a train.”
She said, “Johnny! Don’t use language like that. Say ‘rectum.’”
He laughed and said, “Wrecked ’em, hell, it killed ’em both.”
One Friday, a 5th grade teacher says, “Class, every Friday I am going to ask a question. Whoever gets the question right gets to skip school on Monday.” So the class is very excited and can’t wait until next Friday.
Friday comes around and the teacher says, “Okay, time for the question of the week. How many stars are in the sky?” Of course no one can answer it. Next week she asks, “How many grains of sand are there on the beach?” Still no one can answer.
One student, however, is fed up with this. When he gets home, he paints two ping-pong balls black. He puts them in a bag and goes to school. When Friday comes around he takes them to class. The teacher says, “Okay, class, time for the question of the week.” The boy quickly drops the balls on the floor and they roll up to her feet.
The teacher says rudely, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Then the kid says quickly, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday.”
A man goes to the doctor and the visit goes like this.
MAN: Doc, I think I’m gay.
DOCTOR: What makes you think you’re gay?
MAN: Well, my dad just announced to our family that HE’S gay.
DOCTOR: Just because your father is gay doesn’t mean that you are. It’s not hereditary.
MAN: But Doc, I have two uncles and they are BOTH gay.
DOCTOR: Well, that’s just a coincidence. It’s NOT hereditary.
MAN: But I have three brothers, and they are ALL gay.
DOCTOR: Dammit, son! Doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?!
MAN: Well, sure. My sister does!!
Ethel loved to speed around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mickey stepped out with his arm outstretched.
“STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, then held it up to him.
“OK,” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?”
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” said Ethel. “Not the breathalyzer again!”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
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