The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (25 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
So he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you, or Jack, off.”
Sarah said, “You’ll have to jack off—I have a headache!”
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
“I’d like to buy a horth,” he says to the owner of the farm.
“What sort of horse?” asks the owner.
“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
“Nithe horth,” says the dwarf. “Can I thee her eyeth?”
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and puts him down again.
“Nithe eyeth,” says the dwarf. “Can I thee her teeth?”
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth, and puts him down.
“Nithe teeth. May I now see her earth?” the dwarf asks.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.
“Nithe earth,” he says. “Now, can I see her twot?”
“With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the horse’s vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhapth I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?!!”
Q: If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it?
A: A fucking Goodyear!!!
One day, a young boy walks onto a city bus and sits directly behind the bus driver. He begins to shout at the top of his lungs saying, “If my mommy were a girl elephant and my daddy were a boy elephant, I’d be a baby elephant!” He goes on like this for half an hour when the bus driver finally reacts to the young boy’s antics.
He slams on the brakes and turns around to the boy and yells, “If your mother were a prostitute and your father were gay, what would you be then?”
To which the boy replies with a large grin on his face, “A bus driver.”
Q: What have working for the KGB and oral sex got in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
This is called the rodeo: Get into the doggy style position, grab onto her breasts, tell her they feel just like her sister’s, and then try holding on for eight seconds...
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor.
“Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Mexican is stunned. The genie says, “Hello, Master, I will grant you one wish—anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, Well, I really like drinking tequila.
Finally he says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it’s clear. It looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid. It smells like tequila.
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