The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (23 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
SALMON DAY—The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE—The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
AIRPLANE BLONDE—One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box.
AUSSIE KISS—Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT—The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 a.m.
BEER COMPASS—The invisible device that ensures you arrive home safely after a booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you’ve come from.
GREYHOUND—A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
One day a man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor you have got to help me. I can not get an erection for anything, and it is ruining my marriage!”
The doctor thinks for a little while and then says, “I got just the solution for you. Go home tonight and wait until your wife is sound asleep, then reach over and put your fingers between her legs and get some of her juice and rub it under your nose. Keep on doing that and it should get you an erection.”
So the guy thanks him and hurries on home. Later on that night he’s lying in bed and his wife is fast asleep. So he reaches over and starts rubbing the juice under his nose. After about a minute he can feel himself getting hard. Excited he shakes his wife awake and says, “Look, honey, look what I’ve got!”
And she replies, “You woke me up at two in the morning to show me your bloody nose?!”
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh, my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?”
“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
As the man moves over, the woman asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
“Good God!” says the man. “Can it whistle too?”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other one’s a walrus.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asks his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes...”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the man. “I’m not going to trust a person from the IRS.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
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