The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (24 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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Three men with terrible addictions go and visit the doctor.
The alcoholic is the first to enter. “Well,” says the doctor, “you have damaged your liver beyond repair—if you have one more drink, you will drop dead.”
Shocked, the man leaves, vowing never to drink again.
The doctor’s next patient is a heavy smoker. “Right,” says the doctor, “your lungs are coated so heavily with tar that I’m afraid to say if you smoke one more cigarette, you will drop dead.”
The man leaves, clearly shaken and promising himself to never puff on a cigarette again.
The doctor’s final patient is a raging homosexual. “Well, I must say,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid that if you give in to your addiction just one more time, you will also drop dead.”
The homosexual leaves, resigned to the fact that he will never have sex again.
The three men are walking down the street when they pass a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself and runs inside for his final sip of beer—and drops dead.
The two remaining men are shocked but continue their walk down the road where they come across a whole burning cigarette lying in a doorway. The smoker stops to admire it—shaking.
As he’s about to bend down and pick it up the homosexual turns to him and says,
“You do realize, if you pick that up we’re both dead!”
Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”
“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.
“The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied.
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a French farmer, seeking to find out the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.
The Lady: “Good evening, sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?”
The Lady (getting embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
The Farmer: “Well, Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?”
The Lady: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
The Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?”
A rich man and a poor man were talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man told the poor man, “I got my wife a diamond ring and a Porsche.”
The poor man asked why.
The rich man said, “If she does not like the ring she can take it back in her Porsche.” The rich man then asks the poor man what he bought for his wife.
The poor man said, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asked “Why?”
The poor man said, “If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
A man was on the witness stand and the lawyer asked him, “What was my client doing that night?”
The witness said, “He was fucking!!!”
The judge told the witness, “You can’t say fuck in court.”
So the lawyer asked the man again, “What was my client doing on that night?”
“He was fucking!!!!”
The judge said to him again, “Listen, if you say fuck again, I am going to hold you for 30 days for contempt of court.”
So the lawyer rephrased his question and said, “Could you describe what my client was doing on that night?”
The man thought for a moment and said this:
“His pants were down to his knees,
His ass was swinging in the breeze,
His you know what was in you know where,
And if that isn’t fucking, you can give me the chair.”
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You’ve got to caress the bodywork, breathe softly and gently, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay someone off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. After much thought, he eventually decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

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