The Girl of Diamonds and Rust (The Half Shell Series Book 3) (13 page)

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Well, you worried me.” He pushes away from the doorframe and crosses the tiled floor to me. “What’s going on, Chrissie? Something has been going on with you for months. Why won’t you talk to me?”

He looks sad. Achingly sad and more than mildly concerned. Tears sting behind my eyelids.

I concentrate on pouring the boiling water into the cup. “There’s nothing, Daddy.”

“You haven’t been home in months. You hardly ever call me and when you do talk to me, you are anxious to get off the phone quickly.”

“I just finished my last semester at Cal. I wanted to focus on school. Make sure I graduate. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. Why do you always overreact to everything?”

“I don’t overreact. I’m pretty damn reasonable ninety-nine percent of the time. Don’t try to change the subject. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Something is going on with you, Chrissie. Don’t pretend that it’s not.”

I carefully carry the mugs into the living room, set them on the coffee table and then settle sitting on my knees, facing the sofa. Jack sinks down on the couch.

He stirs his coffee to cool it, and it looks like he’s trying to figure out where to begin round two of this.

“So you’re going out on the road with Neil?” he asks calmly.

Dammit, Rene, why did you have to tell Jack all my shit?
There is no point in lying, so I don’t bother.

“Yes. I am going out on tour with Neil. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and after school I could use a break from everything.”

He stares at me, perplexed. “When did you start seeing Neil again?”

I flush, and it’s so stupid that I feel guilty over not having shared
this
with Jack. “About a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack asks, and he looks hurt.

“I thought you liked Neil.”

“I do. He’s a good kid. That’s not the issue here. The issue is what’s happening in your life that you don’t want me to know.”

“Nothing!”

Jack crosses the room and sits on the floor close beside me. His fingers go to my chin and he turns my face so I have no choice but to look at him.

“Don’t say everything is fine, when it’s not. I’m not blind. I can see when something is going on with you. Let’s talk it out, Chrissie, so I can stop worrying about you.”

The earth falls away beneath me, taking my composure with it. I start to cry, and Jack takes me into his arms.

“It’s OK, baby girl. It’s OK.”

I shake my head and say in a soggy voice, “I’ve made such a mess of my life. I’m a terrible person. Don’t be angry. Please don’t worry, Daddy.”

He lays his cheek on my head. “You’re my daughter. I’ve got to worry. Those are the rules. And your life isn’t a mess. Nothing is ever that bad. And you are not a terrible person. You’re an amazing girl.”

I sniff, trying to keep my nose from dripping on his shirt. “I’m just sorting through some stuff, but definitely nothing that should get you all freaked out. I moved to Seattle with Neil. What’s the big deal? We’ve been together for four years. You didn’t need to come here.”

“You moved to Seattle and didn’t tell me,” he counters.

I sit back and look up at Jack. “It was a good decision. I think the best thing for me. Neil is an incredible guy, the most amazing friend I’ve ever had. I couldn’t have made it through the last month without him.”

Jack’s face tightens and his blue eyes sharpen alertly. “What do you mean
not make it through the last month
? What’s happened in the last month? Did someone hurt you? Were you…?”

He can’t say it, but I can tell by his face what he’s thinking. He’s wondering if I got mugged or worse.
Oh crap!
Why did I have to mention last month? I’ve kicked up Jack’s worry about ten levels.

“It’s not that bad…” The words die inside me as Jack’s face grows more alarmed.

“Not that bad, huh?” He lets out a ragged breath, impatient and anxious. “What happened, Chrissie, that isn’t
that bad?
” The way he says that makes me cringe. “I think it’s time you talk to me.”

Oh no, that was not a request. It was a warning that Jack is not going to let this one go. He stares at me expectantly.

I drop my gaze. I can’t believe I’m about to tell my dad about April. But if there is a way out other than just telling him everything, I don’t see it.

“I had an abortion in April,” I hear myself say, and my voice sounds far away, not even my own.

The room fills with crushing silence. I don’t know which one of us is more shocked, me that I said it or Jack that he heard it.

Jack’s expression is impossible to read. “Are you OK?”

My eyes widen to their fullest. “I’m fine,” I say quickly to reassure him. “But I’m still a little overwhelmed by the experience. I didn’t realize until after it was over how much I didn’t want to do it.”

Oh fuck, why did I confess that last part? I haven’t even told that to Neil. Damn.

Jack’s gaze grows more intense and probing. “Then why did you do it?”

That one I am not going to explain. Nothing could force me, not even the rabid concern I see in my dad’s eyes, to tell him about Alan and me. Nope, that part of this mistake I’m not sharing.

“Was it Neil’s?” Jack asks, his voice harsh and clipped.

“No. And Neil wouldn’t have wanted me to have an abortion if it were his. He didn’t think I should do it, but he respected my decision and was really cool through it all.”

Jack nods, his mouth tightening in that way he has when he is really hit emotionally by something. “I’m glad Neil was there for you.” He looks away. “I’m glad you let someone be there for you. Christ, Chrissie, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

I feel the tears burn behind my lids. “It was my mistake and I wanted to fix it on my own. And Neil was wonderful, Daddy. Really wonderful about everything. He took good care of me. I could never have finished the last month at Cal without him.” I wipe at my nose and take in a shuddering breath. “After I’d done it, I realized I didn’t want to. It’s kind of messed with my head and I almost dropped out of school. But Neil wouldn’t let me. He stayed in Berkeley with me until I got my shit together again. He let me talk, he listened and he really cares. He has been so supportive. It made me realize how stupid I was to break up with him.”

Jack’s brows lower into a frown. “If you didn’t want to do it, why did you?”

“The guy wouldn’t have wanted it. He dumped me and it didn’t seem fair to make a decision all on my own that would impact us both for the rest of our lives.”

Anger flashes in Jack’s eyes. “He had a choice. His vote ended when he climbed into bed with you. After that, your body, your choice.”

My face goes scarlet. I’ve never heard Jack so angry and I’m flooded with shame that I worried him because he’s being the dad I’ve always known when I’ve let him be there for me: clear-headed, supportive, loving.

Jack places a light kiss on my cheek and brushes at my tears with his fingertips.

“I’m sorry, baby girl. I wish you had talked to me before you did anything. We could have talked it through together.”

“Well, we’re talking it through now,” I say quietly.

“So the guy…what happened to him?”

Jack sounds angry again.

I shrug and fight back a new onslaught of tears. “We’re over. I told you. He dumped me.”

“Asshole,” Jack says under his breath in nearly a growl. “I may be fifty now, Chrissie, but I can still kick his ass if you want me to.”

I take a sip of my coffee, make a soggy laugh, and shake my head. Jeez—there is nothing here to make me laugh, but
that
one I didn’t expect. “Don’t bother. It’s not worth it. He’s out of my life for good.”

Jack nods. “Good. I don’t think I’d care for the guy. I hope that fucker never comes near you again.”

He won’t, Jack. Alan doesn’t love me…

I cut off my thoughts and sigh heavily. “Being an adult is so much harder than I thought it would be. Why doesn’t anyone tell you that? Every time I think I know where I’m going, the road changes. I’m so tired of the road always changing unexpectedly on me.”

Jack gives me a sad and sympathetic smile. “The road always changes even when you think you’re on a straight path. It does for everyone, Chrissie. Not just you. Try to remember it’s about the journey, baby girl. It’s not about where we’re going. When the road changes it will bother you less if you always remember it’s about the journey.”

Typical Jack. Typical 60s mumbo jumbo. For some reason it doesn’t irritate me today. I’m actually sort of feeling better inside myself. Calmer. Less frantic.

“I don’t know what to do with my life, Daddy.”

“Welcome to the club, Chrissie. We are all in the same place and we’re going to the same place no matter what we do with our lives. The best journeys I’ve had have been when I’ve not known where I’m going, on roads I’ve never expected.”

I study my father. “How did you get over Mom?”

He looks at me, his face enigmatic. “Whoever said that I did? Just because Lena isn’t here doesn’t mean I’m not with her. Your mom doesn’t have to be here for me to love her.” He starts to pick up our mugs from the coffee table. “You can love anyone you want, Chrissie. Just don’t forget that you still have to live.”

I watch Jack move toward the kitchen. He says, “I’ll just pop these in the microwave. They’re cold. And you can go into the hallway and get Neil.”

“Neil went for a walk. He’s not in the hallway.”

Jack laughs. “Oh, Chrissie, I saw the way he looked at you before he went through the door. The kid didn’t get any farther than the hallway. I’m not happy about you going out on the road. I think you should come home. But you’ve got a good guy there, baby girl. Neil really cares about you. That I am not worried about.”

~~~

We arrive at the load-up parking lot before the rest of the band. Neil holds up my suitcases in front of him. “Black one in the bus with you? Duffel in the cargo hold, Chrissie?”

“I think so. I don’t think I’ll need the junk in the duffel until we stop.”

Neil tosses my duffel into the cargo bay, then turns to Jack. “Thanks for seeing us off.”

“Thanks for letting me,” Jacks says.

Jack stayed all morning in the apartment. It was nice he spent time with Neil and me. The three of us talked, really talked, and it was good. Even if it was filled with folksy advice from Jack to Neil about being out on the road, and at times a little awkward since it’s obvious that me being with Neil means that I’m
with
Neil.

How lame is that?
I’m an adult and it feel uncomfortable for my dad to know
officially
that I’m living with Neil. The pretense is gone with my dad, and it makes everything feel kind of different and not normal yet.

I struggle to contain my flashing thoughts. I definitely don’t want to start turning in my head all the shit that went down at the apartment—
jeez, don’t think about that one, Chrissie. What girl tells her father she’s had an abortion?
—and completing the ritual of the tour bus departure is going to be strange enough. Why does this feel like I’m being sent off to summer camp?

I watch as my dad gives Neil a one-arm, halfway, guy-type hug, but before Jack pulls back he gives a couple of hard pats on Neil’s back.

“You take care of my girl,” Jack warns. “If you don’t, you’re going to hear from me.”

“You mean there’s more than what I’ve already heard from you this morning to hear from you?” Neil grimaces, but his eyes are sparkling.

Jack shakes his head, glaring. “A lot more. You had better have been listening earlier to every word.”

Neil taps his head with an index finger. “Burned into my memory for life. Every word.”

“Good,” Jack says.

Neil smiles. “See ya, Jack.”

“Don’t be a fuck-up,” Jack warns. “The road can only turns you into a fuck-up if you let it.”

Neil nods. “I know. Besides, I’d have to deal with Chrissie and she is way worse than you.”

Jack is laughing as he turns toward me. He rests his arms on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you, baby girl.”

I bite my lower lip to hold back the emotion. “I know, Daddy. I’m going to miss you, too.”

His eyes fix on me, loving and intense. “Be careful. Stay smart. Things can get crazy. If it gets to be too crazy, come home.”

“I will. It’s going to be OK.”

Jack nods. “Call me every stop, and fly home once in a while.”

“I will, Daddy,” I promise.

He puts a light kiss on my forehead, and sighs. “I never expected to be sending you off on tour. I never wanted you to be near any of this. Not ever.”

I stare up at him, startled.
Is that why Jack never had me travel with him? He didn’t want me near the music industry?
Most days I still can’t make sense of my dad, but it’s a nice thought, much kinder than the suspicions I used to have about why Jack never took me out on tour with him. So today I’m not going to try to figure out my dad.

The entire chemistry changes with the arrival of the rest of the band, and soon the guys are like a fast-talking, loud football huddle surrounding Jack. Everyone wants to talk to him—
everyone always wants to talk to Jack
—but today, it makes me a smidge wistful because I want him to be only my dad. Like he was in the apartment, sitting on the floor with Neil and me. Like he is when we are at home in Santa Barbara together.

The bus driver exits the bus and I have to forcibly keep from making a face. Oh dear. He does not look at all fun, and how the heck does he fit in the driver’s seat? He must be nearly 6’5” and I’m sure 300lbs if he’s anything.

“Listen up, dipshits,” he says, silencing everyone. “I’m Markem. It’s time to load up. It’s time to go. Let’s set some ground rules since we’re going to be together for a long time. My bus, my rules. My job is to get you there on time. Your job is not to piss me off. Front of the bus: mine. Everywhere else on the bus: yours. And when I say cops, settle down, and you clean up whatever the fuck you’re doing. Violate my rules, I set you on the side of the road. I don’t give a fuck if we’re in the middle of the desert. It’s fine by me if you stay out there. It gives me one less asshole to babysit.”