The Girl of Sand & Fog (26 page)

My thoughts twirl.

My emotions unleash.

Reality starts to nip at me.

I’m drowning in everything inside me.

It was Mom.

But still—

“How could you not know?” I harshly accuse.
“Explain it to me.”

The energy leaves my limbs in a single gush and I
sit on the floor, back against the wall, facing him.

Minutes tick by, wordless between us. I’m not
sure Alan even remembers I’m still here. He’s just staring at the kinship test,
his face blank. Then I hear footsteps from the hallway and Alan snaps to,
alarmed, and shoves the paper into his pocket.

He crosses the room to me, crouching down until
we’re at eye level. “Kaley, we’ll talk as long as you want to, I’ll answer
anything that you ask me, sweetheart, but the cops are coming in. Don’t say
anything. My attorney is with them. We need to finish with the police and then
we will work on you and me. I promise. Do you understand?”

The room is quickly filled with police officers.
They’re all around me, talking at once, and Alan is just out of view, pacing
frantically, but he doesn’t stop them. I’m led from the room.

I’m escorted to the living room.

A kind, older officer is saying words to me. I
can’t catch them—he’s talking too fast—and I can’t look at him, but I nod. More
officers across room are talking back and forth. Oh fuck, Bobby is right.
They’re going to arrest me.

Alan is waiting in the hallway.

It’s his house.

I’m his daughter.

Why the fuck isn’t he stopping this?

“Miss Stanton, try to focus on what I’m telling
you,” the officer says more commandingly and I look at him. He’s trying to get
me to read some sort of document on a clipboard. “We are releasing you to your
father. This is a six-month probation. You do what he tells you to do. If you
don’t, he’s agreed to call the district attorney. You’ll be arrested and
charged.”

Releasing me to my father?

I start to quickly read. They’re not going to
arrest me. The officer is holding out a pen to me. Will this all end with me
only signing something? It hits me; a painful realization. Everything done
reduced to a scrap of paper.

Is that all I’m going to have at the end of this?

I’m not sure what I expected, but not this.

The officer points. “Sign here that I’ve
explained this to you and that you understand and agree to comply.”

I shake my head. I don’t want to sign it. Nothing
has changed yet. Strange, I still haven’t heard Alan admit he’s my father. The
officer said it but, shit, Alan hasn’t spoken the words. Not once.

“Please, Miss Stanton, it doesn’t get any better
than this,” the officer whispers frantically. “Someone with a lot of pull
managed this for you. You don’t want me to have to arrest you. I don’t want to
take you to jail. Don’t blow it now, kid.”

The officer’s voice snaps me from my stupor. I
take the pen, sign, and then everything starts going in fast motion. The cops
leaving the house. Len Rowan dragging Bobby and Zoe away.

The front door closes.

Silence.

We’re alone.

Father and daughter.

Alan still hasn’t said it.

And in this moment, I shatter yet again.

CHAPTER 24

It’s
like I’m buried in thick fog. I can’t see anything. Feel anything. Hear
anything…but then again there hasn’t been any talking in the car since we left
Malibu. Not by Alan and not by me.

Alan pulls into the driveway and parks.

I stare through the windshield. The house looks
like it always does. Stupid, Kaley, to think it might look different.

He takes the keys from the ignition and leans
into me. “Go inside. Go to your room. Stay there.”

“What are you going to do?”

“It’s going to be OK,” Alan says slowly,
inflectionless. “The rest of this needs to be sorted out privately between your
mother and me. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I love you. But you need
to stay out of this. OK, sweetheart?”

Oh fuck.

Mom.

Somehow I’ve managed not to think of Chrissie
before this. I jump from the car and run into the house. It’s quiet in a way it
never is. You could hear a pin drop. A heavy, still kind of silence that’s
unnerving.

My heart turns over. Oh crap. Everything is
different. I can feel it trapped in the walls with me. I hurry down the hall,
pausing at the family room. Linda Rowan is sitting on a couch with a twin
tucked into each of her sides and Krystal hovering at her feet.

All eyes fix on me.

Worried. Anxious. Afraid.

Overwhelmed eyes staring at me from little faces.

I lower my gaze, continue to my room, and lock
the door. I lean back against the wood and slide down to the floor, wanting
something to form inside me to help me through this and finding nothing willing
to answer.

*  *  *

The
minutes tick by slowly as I lie on my bed staring at my door. The slowest
moving night ever. I heard Linda’s car leave a long time ago. I heard the back
patio doors open and close. Someone is in the house with me.

Still nothing from my parents.

No one has come to talk to me.

They’ve just left me here, forgotten.

This suspended state in between where we were as
a family and where I brought us is excruciating.

I need to text Bobby.

Make sure he’s all right.

You’ve hurt us—
I brush at my tears. I
don’t want to know what that means, not yet.

My door opens and Chrissie appears, her fragile
face swollen with tears. “Are you all right?”

I drop my gaze.

I can’t look at her.

She’s completely devastated.

“Please, Kaley, talk to me!”

I can feel her waiting, pleading with her eyes,
even though I won’t look at her.

Then the door closes.

I’m alone again.

More minutes tick by.

Something crashes outside against the stone of
the patio. I startle.

“Goddamn you, Chrissie. Is that really your first
concern here? What the fuck happened to your kids coming first always? Or does
that not count today?” Alan yells.

I flinch and debate whether to close my window.
But I can’t move. My legs won’t carry me.

“I’ve talked to the kids,” Chrissie says
frantically. “I’ve explained. Or at least tried to. I’m not sure how much they
understand. Kaley won’t talk to me. What did you say to her? How is she?”

“Fuck, is that all you care about?” Alan returns
in a way so acidic it burns me. “That I might have said something that made you
look bad to your daughter?”

He’s so angry. I have never heard Alan angry.
He’s never spoken to Mom that way.

“That’s not what I meant,” Chrissie counters
quickly. “She won’t talk to me. I’m worried. She’s our daughter. You must be
worried, too.”

“Oh, sorry, our daughter. Pardon me for the
momentary mental breakdown I’m having in the middle of this fucking insane day
you’ve created.”

I cover my ears, like a child, but I can still
hear them.

“I never intended any of this to happen,”
Chrissie says.

“How the fuck do you have five kids that are mine
and not intend it, Chrissie?” Alan snaps and I jump again.

“I’ve tried to tell you so many times. I don’t
know why I couldn’t. That’s not an excuse. I know there is no excuse. I’m not
going to try to make one, and I think it’s better if we wait until you’re less
angry for me to try to explain.”

Oh no, Mom’s rambling.

She’s so afraid.

How could I have done this to my mother?

“There is only one explanation I’d like to hear,”
Alan says, his tone rough and cutting. “Then I think we’re through. I know that
birth control is beyond basic management for you, Chrissie but, fuck, we both
know you know how to get an abortion, so why the fuck didn’t you?”

The color drains from my face.

That
was the last reaction I’m
prepared to cope with from Alan finding out we’re his kids.

He doesn’t want any of us now.

Not even Khloe.

Oh God, he’s going to leave Mom.

And I’m responsible for this.

“That was mean, Alan,” Chrissie says calmly, but
I hear her fighting back tears and worry. “I know you didn’t mean that. It
hurts anyway. And I’m sorry that I made you angry enough to say something that
isn’t even close to who you are.”

“How could you do this, Chrissie? You stole my
family from me.”

“I didn’t steal them, Alan. I kept them for you. I
loved them. I waited. There’s a difference.”

She waited?

What does that mean?

Chrissie-speak.

The front door slams loudly.

Alan didn’t understand it either.

He’s left her.

I’m sorry, Mom.

I’m sorry, Mom.

I curl in a ball, hugging myself, choking on
fresh tears.

*  *  *

My
bedroom door opens a few minutes later. My mom doesn’t look at me. She moves
through my room like a tornado, grabbing my car keys, my phone, every piece of
technology I own.

Cutting me off from the world.

I deserve it.

But I wish I’d texted Bobby first.

Chrissie says nothing.

I’m too ashamed to speak to her.

She closes the door between us again.

*  *  *

Three
days pass like only screenshots, disconnected frames not cut into a continuous
movie yet. Yep, that’s what my life is. Zoom in. Too clear some moments. Camera
fade back. Nothing.

Lourdes brings me my meals. I haven’t left my
room for days. Only Mom checks in on me. I still can’t talk to her. Face her.
There is so much in my head I need to say, and she’s so worried and sad. I
don’t want to dump on her the burden of me, she’s carrying so much right now,
and the knot in my stomach warns that what I started in Malibu is far from
over.

I don’t know how Mom keeps going.

I want to lie in a ball and never move again.

I don’t know where Alan is.

I wish I was brave enough to face my siblings.
I’m so worried about them. I love them. I never wanted to hurt them.

I don’t know where this goes next.

Another limbo state, only this one is because of
me.

*  *  *

Night.
I hear voices from my parents’ bedroom. I shoot up in bed. After four days
Alan’s back. They’re talking, not yelling. That has to be a good sign.

I wait and listen.

Maybe this horrible nightmare is finally over.

I turn when I hear my door open. Chrissie sinks
down on the bed close to me. “Kaley, you need to pack. You’re leaving in the
morning.”

Dread shoots through my veins.

What does leaving mean?

I find my voice for the first time in days.

“No, Mom, I don’t want to leave you.”

She surrounds me with her arms. I hear her sniff.
She was crying before she came in here. Her hands move gently on my back.
“Everything is going to be OK, Kaley. I love you. Your dad loves you. But right
now you need to do what I say. Pack. Alan is leaving in the morning with you,
Krystal and the twins.”

“Leaving? What does that mean?”

“Your dad has to leave tomorrow. He’s on tour for
four months. He can’t cancel so he’s taking you with him.”

I pull back, anxiously searching her face.
“You’re going with us, too, right?”

“No, baby girl. I’m staying here with Khloe. It’s
the best thing all around for all of us.”

Best thing all around?

How could that be good for any of us?

“I’m so afraid, Mom. Don’t make me leave you.”

She smiles, a calm, almost peaceful thing, almost
too weird to see. “You’re going, Kaley.”

She starts to rise and I stop her with my hands.

“I’m not leaving this house unless you explain to
me what’s happening. Alan didn’t know we were his. I was there. I saw his face.
How could you do this, Mom? And he doesn’t want us. He’s made that really
clear. How could you make us leave with him? And how can you say everything is
going to be OK? I don’t believe you. Don’t lie to me again. Not now.”

Her hands close on my face so quickly I don’t see
them move, only feel the pain of too tightly held cheeks in shaking fingers.

“I have loved your father since I was eighteen.
With all my heart, Kaley.” She takes several rapid breaths before her brilliant
blue doe eyes lock on me. “Alan is the only man I’ve ever loved. But I love you
more. I love you kids more. So how could I do this? I’m your mother and I love
you more. How could I tell you to pack and go? I’m your mother. How can I tell
you everything is going to be OK? I’m your mother. I love Alan with all my heart
but, baby girl, I’m your mother and I love you more. Pack. You’re leaving in
the morning.”

Then she walks from my bedroom, and there is
nothing but the four walls and me again.

*  *  *

I
start shoving things into a bag even though I tell myself I’m not going on tour
alone with Alan. I won’t survive that. I can just run away. Go to Bobby. He’s
always wanted to get out of the ’Sades. Maybe he doesn’t hate me. Maybe he’s as
worried about me as I am about him. Maybe he’ll leave with me if I can just
figure out a way to see him.

I’m sitting in the center of my room on the floor
beside my duffel when my door opens.

My heart accelerates and the shaking returns.

Alan settles on the small sofa, facing me. “Are
you doing all right, Kaley?”

The lump in my throat makes speech impossible.

I nod.

“Has Chrissie explained what’s happening?”

I nod, though she didn’t really explain anything.

“We’re leaving early in the morning,” he says
quietly. “We’re spending five days at my home outside London. I think we need
time to regroup. Then we are leaving the UK for four months on the road. Your
sisters and brothers depend on you. More than you realize. Try to remember
that, sweetheart. It matters to them how well you are.”

It matters to them
…

Message received, Alan.

He still hasn’t admitted he’s my father. Or
Krystal’s. Or Eric’s. Or Ethan’s. He hasn’t spoken a word about any of that.
Not to me. I wonder if he has to them. I only heard him call us his children
when he yelled at Chrissie in the backyard.

I lift my face.

I meet his gaze directly.

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”

His cheek twitches, but his expression doesn’t
change.

“You are my responsibility legally and morally. I
can’t leave without you and I can’t stay. I expect you to do as I ask for the
next four months. And when you get back to LA, you have my word, I won’t
interfere in your life. Not in any way. You can do what you want after we get
back, Kaley. But tomorrow you are leaving California with me.”

“I don’t want to go. Let me stay here with Mom.
You’re ruining my life.”

Impassive.

“No, I am not ruining your life, sweetheart. I’m
making sure you still have one when you get back to LA.”

*  *   *

I
hear a sound. A tap on my glass sliding door. I roll over in bed and check the
clock. 3:30 a.m. Another tap. Oh God, please…

I rush from my bed and pull back the curtain.
Bobby is standing on the patio. My shaking hands fumble with the latch and
finally get it open.