The Girl With No Past (28 page)

I didn’t point out that we have only gained freedom from one thing, and that we will be tied to our A-level studies and then university for the next few years, because I know what he means. He might think I don’t get him half the time but I do. I really do.

Imogen and Corey are sitting on a large beach towel on the grass, their legs draped over each other, while I have chosen to sit on a deck chair with my book, a few feet away from them. This says it all. How things have changed. How I feel isolated and separate from the others, even Adam.

‘Come and sit with us,’ Imogen says. ‘There’s plenty of room. Reading’s not very sociable, is it? And where’s Adam? It’s too quiet without him here. We’re ready to have some fun, aren’t we, Corey?’ She nudges him and he nods his agreement.

‘I don’t know where he is,’ I say. Imogen should know by now that I am the last person who will know where Adam is at any given time. I stay where I am but offer her a smile so she doesn’t think anything is wrong. I need her to think I am the same Leah I’ve always been.

When Adam still hasn’t shown up after another half hour, Corey tells us he will go for a walk and look for him. ‘I’ll head in the direction of his house,’ he says. ‘That way I’ll probably bump into him.’

I don’t bother mentioning that there is no telling what direction Adam will be coming from because he probably hasn’t even been at home.

Once he’s gone, I get up and sit with Imogen on the beach towel. She grabs hold of my arm and her hands are warm and sticky. ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you for ages,’ she says. ‘Not alone at least. We never seem to get time to ourselves any more, do we?’

Again I keep quiet and don’t tell her this is because she spends all her time with Corey. I’m not bitter about it; I’m happy she has him to share things with, but why does having a boyfriend have to come at the expense of friendship? Perhaps she thinks I do the same with Adam, although I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him since we broke up from school.

But the more I think about it, the more I realise it is not Imogen’s fault at all. Or Corey’s. Or Adam’s. It is mine. I am the one who is drifting away, as if I am being pulled by a strong current and can’t swim back to them.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say to her. ‘Things are changing, aren’t they?’

She frowns and lets go of my arm. ‘What do you mean? What’s changing?’

It’s hard to put into words the jumbled up thoughts that float around my head all day, but I have to take this opportunity, while we are alone, to try and talk to her. ‘Us. All four of us. Don’t you think?’

She scrunches up her face, contemplating what I’ve just said, and looks like a small child. ‘I don’t think so,’ she says eventually. ‘What do you mean?’

And then before I know what I’m saying, it all comes flooding out, like a river bursting its banks, and I am powerless to stop talking. ‘We just don’t seem to talk much any more. I mean, we talk, like on the phone, but we don’t
talk
, if you know what I mean.’

Imogen shakes her head. ‘Of course we talk. We’re talking now. What’s going on, Leah?’

‘Oh, sorry, it’s nothing. I’m just worried about Adam, that’s all.’ I wasn’t going to bring him up but the heat I feel talking about my friendship with Imogen is burning me up.

‘Why? What’s happened? Are you two okay?’

She fires her questions at me and I don’t know which one to answer first. I picture Adam sitting on the grass opposite Miss Hollis’s house and debate whether to tell Imogen that I followed him that day. What will she think of me? But I have little choice, because dealing with this on my own is eating me up. So I tell her. Everything. Things about Adam’s behaviour I haven’t even admitted to myself until now.

When I’ve finished talking, she twists her mouth as if to say
what’s all the big fuss about?
So I know before she speaks that she doesn’t understand.

‘Leah, Adam’s fine. I think you’re worrying about nothing. So he hates that bitch, Hollis. We all do, don’t we? That doesn’t mean there’s something up with Adam. He’s the most together person we know. I look at him and I think, no, I
know
that he’s going far in life. Just trust him, he knows what he’s doing.’

I stare at my friend, shocked she doesn’t get what I’m saying. ‘But…we’ve finished school now, and he’s not taking A-level history, so why does he still care? He doesn’t need to have anything to do with her again.’ Why can’t Imogen see this? That it’s all so pointless?

Now it is her turn to look bemused, as if she can’t understand why
I
don’t get it. And then her head creases into a frown, reminding me of how Mum looks when she’s about to lecture me. ‘Leah, he’s your boyfriend. You have to support him however he feels. Otherwise, what do you think he’s going to do? Surely I don’t need to remind you that bloody Anna Proctor’s been after him for months.’ She sees my face drop. ‘Not that he’d be interested in her, but you’ve got to stand by him. Like I do with Corey.’

I don’t know where all this is coming from, where she’s picked up these 1950s housewife notions, but I want no part of it. ‘Maybe,’ I say, as a holding position until I can figure out what to do. And then I tell her I need to finish reading my book.

‘Just don’t bring it to the party,’ she says, rolling onto her back to bask in the sun.

By evening, I have almost forgotten how I felt earlier. The music has blanked it out and I’m dancing with Imogen in Adam’s front room. Christina Aguilera is playing and we’re trying to copy her moves from the video, but not very successfully. We spend more time bent double from laughter than dancing.

Imogen whispers to me that someone has spiked all the lemonade and Coke but I only half-believe her. I’ve never had alcohol so don’t know what being tipsy feels like, but I’m sure I’m just excited because of the music. There are hundreds of people here and half of them aren’t even from school so I don’t know how they found out about the party. No doubt they are here just to say they came to Adam Bowden’s party. But still, nobody is causing any problems and there’s a great atmosphere.

‘This is fun, isn’t it?’ Imogen shouts into my ear, and I nod because she is right. It’s impossible not to enjoy yourself when music is pounding and everyone is having a good time. Everyone, that is, except Adam. I’ve caught sight of him a few times and on each occasion he rushes past, telling me he has to do something or other and can’t stop now. I make up my mind then and there never to host my own party; it’s impossible to enjoy it when you have to stress about everyone else. I reach down and pick up my glass from the floor, taking a long sip of Coke. I sniff it but can’t detect anything unusual. I’m sure Imogen has got it wrong.

Later, I find Adam sitting at the top of the stairs, staring straight ahead of him. At nothing. He looks sad rather than stressed now, and I feel sorry for him. He’s gone to all this trouble and can’t even enjoy his own party.

‘Are you okay?’ I ask, flopping down next to him.

He shuffles closer to the wall, pulling me with him so that people can get past us to the bathroom. There’s a downstairs toilet but he’s letting people use the upstairs one too. I would never let strangers or even people I know from school traipse through my parents’ house, but I can’t help feeling Adam is punishing them for not taking him to America this summer.

He kisses me on the head, then the cheek, then quickly on the mouth before telling me he’s fine. But
fine
is not good is it? It doesn’t mean happy, or content. Any of the things I want him to be.

‘Are you sure?’ I ask.

Nodding slowly, he turns to me and then a huge grin appears on his face. ‘Help me find Corey and Imogen. I need to talk to you all together. You get Imogen and I’ll hunt down Corey. I think he’s in the garden. Meet us out there.’

Adam’s enthusiasm spreads through me like an infection. I have no clue what’s brought on this sudden change of mood, or what he’s planning, but if it’s got Adam smiling then I won’t complain.

The Bowdens’ garden is huge; twice the size of ours and in better condition too. Adam says his mum likes gardening but I’ve never seen her out there and can’t imagine her getting grubby in the dirt. I have my suspicions that they have a gardener, but he’s just too embarrassed to admit it. It’s a funny world, I think, when people are ashamed of being well off.

Imogen and I rush to the end, where there is a low fence separating the garden from the extensive fields beyond. I’ve never noticed before how lucky Adam is to live here and I feel a sudden urge to jump over the fence and run as fast as I can through the fields, just to see how far they go on for. Maybe that Coke was spiked after all.

‘There they are,’ Imogen squeals, pointing at Adam and Corey, who are sitting on the ground by the fence.

‘What took you so long?’ Adam says, but he is grinning so I know he’s not annoyed.

Imogen plonks herself down on the ground and the short skirt she’s wearing rides up even higher. ‘So what’s with all the secrecy?’ she asks, grabbing Corey’s hand.

Adam throws his head back and laughs. ‘Just the plan of the century, that’s all.’

Beside him, Corey nods his head, his grin matching Adam’s. He’s holding a glass of lemonade and I wonder again if it has been laced with something. ‘Adam’s going to—’

‘Wait, let me tell them.’ He turns to Imogen and me. ‘Listen, you know I’ve been a bit…kind of stressed lately? Well, firstly, I’m sorry about that.’

I glance at Imogen but her attention is fixed on Adam.

‘Anyway,’ he continues. ‘That Hollis bitch has really had it in for me, and I feel like she’s gone too far not letting me into my maths exam. It’s bad enough I’ve let her get away with bullying me for years, but that was the final straw. That’s kind of why I’ve been a bit…absent lately.’

I’m surprised by what Adam is saying. Not that he’s talking about Miss Hollis – that’s nothing unusual – but the fact that he has recognised his behaviour has been off lately. This is what I’ve longed for him to say, but I’m confused why he’s telling it to all of us like this. Surely he should have waited until we’re alone?

Imogen speaks before I do. ‘Well, course you’ve been stressed when she’s such a fucking bitch.’

Adam nods. ‘Yeah, well, anyway, I know I need to put it all behind me and move on, but there’s one thing I have to do first, to help me do that. And I need all of your help.’

We all look at each other. Adam has always been good at creating intrigue.

‘You know I’ve been watching her house?’ He says this with no hint of shame, as if it’s perfectly reasonable behaviour for someone to stalk their teacher. ‘Well, I’ve found out she’s away all this weekend. That idiot boyfriend is taking her to the Lake District or somewhere like that. So…I’m going to break into her house. Tomorrow night.’

Imogen gasps, but she’s still smiling. She must think he’s joking. ‘Very funny,’ she says, then seeing the look on Adam’s face adds, ‘Oh, you’re serious.’

‘Course I’m serious, why wouldn’t I be?’

‘But you can’t break into her house!’ I say. It’s the first I’ve spoken since we came out here and everyone turns to stare at me. There are so many thoughts racing through my head: how does he know she’s going to the Lake District? Just how many times has he gone to her house?

Adam takes my hand and I immediately soften, forgetting everything I want to ask him. ‘Listen, I’m not going to take anything, just trash the place, freak her out a bit when she gets back and finds the mess. That’s all it will be.’

‘Yeah, it’s not bad,’ Corey adds. ‘We’ll be in and out quickly so nobody will see us.’

Imogen leans forward. ‘She does deserve it. And if it will help you put it all behind you, Adam, then I’m in. Actually it’s kind of exciting!’

I know Imogen is talking but surely the words can’t be hers? How is it possible we’ve grown so far apart that we feel so differently about what Adam is suggesting?

‘No! It’s a crazy idea!’ I say, letting go of Adam’s hand. I am astounded that I seem to be the only one who thinks this. I turn to Adam. ‘You have to just let it go now. She’s not your teacher any more, is she? You don’t need to have anything to do with her.’

‘But she’ll still be there at school, won’t she? Smirking at me when I pass her in the corridor. Knowing she’s won.’

I stand up now. ‘Won what? There’s nothing to win or lose. What are you talking about?’

The way Adam looks at me turns my insides cold. His eyes shoot disappointment at me, but it’s more than that. There is something else and I don’t want to acknowledge what it is. ‘Really?’ he says. ‘You don’t get it? You don’t get me?’

I turn and walk away then, because if I don’t I will say something I can’t take back.

TWENTY-SIX

‘Leah, it’s me. Maria. You called me.’ It wasn’t a question, but a flat statement, delivered in a cold, emotionless voice.

At first I was confused, unsure what she was talking about. She was the last person I was expecting to hear from. When she’d ignored my call, I’d taken it to be a sign that whatever friendship we’d been forming was over, before it had even started. At least it wasn’t my emailer. I wasn’t ready to hear his voice, not without being prepared.