The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (75 page)

What began as a University of Washington student organization that sponsored sex-positive events on its Seattle campus soon blossomed into an online resource. Russell, one of its founders, currently maintains the site, which attracts well over fifty thousand visitors per day. Imagine that many people showing up at your neighborhood library or bookstore, and you get an idea of the service SHS provides.

All the information is free, and readers are not subjected to any advertising or promotional gimmicks. This is just one among several key reasons Russell believes the site has been so successful. “I’d say persistence, not going commercial during the dot-com bubble economy, always assuming the reader doesn’t mind reading, and sticking with the core value of respect for the broad range of consensual adult sexual expression. These are the main reasons for our success.”

SHS attracts a lot of Web newbies, who find the site helpful and nonthreatening. “I think that the Internet provides a type of ‘emotional safety’ for folks who want to explore ideas that they might be too embarrassed to bring up in real-life,” says Russell. “It’s an easy ‘first step’ for many people!”

Longevity also contributes to the site’s popularity. Having launched in 1995, SHS qualifies as one of the oldest sex sites on the Web, earning much of its audience through extensive links—the online equivalent of word-of-mouth recommendations. Although Russell maintains that the site’s first webmaster didn’t even know what a Web page was when they began, the group quickly discovered the advantages of the Internet. According to Russell, “The Net’s strong suits are helping you find initial pointers to books, classes, and ideas on subjects that you don’t yet know anything about; finding information about topics too exotic to merit publication in a book of their own; getting free information quickly and privately regardless of where you live and who you are; and finding ‘communities’ of people who share your interests.”

Russell believes that the Web has barely begun to fulfill its potential as a sexuality resource. Meanwhile, SHS serves as a model, publishing only material that demonstrates or advocates thoughtfulness, tolerance, consensuality, and sexual responsibility. One need only read a few of its popular pieces on erotic massage, the G-spot, sexual positions, or safer sex to appreciate the contribution SHS continues to make to sexual understanding and acceptance.

The Society for Human Sexuality is located at
www.sexuality.org
.

CHAPTER 17

S/M and Power Play

My favorite thing is when my lover takes total control, dominates me, doesn’t ask what I need or want because she knows already; she just goes right ahead and takes me, talking to me the whole time.

Holding my partner down is fun when I’m so hungry I can’t stand it and want to devour him and make him surrender to my touch. I love the power I feel in taking control of the situation and possessing another person.

Do either of these sentiments ring a bell for you? We think it’s a safe bet that you’re aroused by both the thought of being overpowered by a partner and the idea of overpowering a partner. Sexual power play has always had a near-universal appeal, but many of you who readily incorporate aspects of dominance and submission into your sex lives might be surprised to learn that these could be described as S/M activities.

The term
S/M
or
S&M
evolved from abbreviations of the word
sadomasochism,
which the dictionary defines as the “perversion” of deriving sexual pleasure from either the infliction or the experience of pain. Popular misconceptions about S/M can be traced to this dictionary definition and are aggravated by the fact that
sadomasochism
is frequently used to describe the
non
sexual dynamic between people involved in coercive or abusive behaviors: For example, a bullying boss or battering husband is referred to as a “sadist,” while anyone physically or emotionally self-destructive is referred to as a “masochist.” Hollywood and TV moviemakers have done their bit to exacerbate stereotypes about S/M by spicing up their thrillers with plots involving murderous practitioners of “S&M.” Talk about having your cake and eating it, too—the public is invited to revel in titillating images of spike-heeled dominatrixes or leather-clad masters, but by the final reel, all the evil sadists and pathetic masochists have been incarcerated or killed, and kinder, gentler virtue triumphs
.

In fact, S/M has nothing to do with coercion, either sexual or nonsexual. The common denominator in all S/M play is not a violent exchange of pain but a consensual exchange of power. The distinction that S/M is about eroticized power play, not about physical or emotional abuse, is crucial to understanding and demystifying the subject. Some people in the S/M community feel that “sadomasochism” is therefore an inaccurate and inappropriate word to describe their experience, preferring terms such as dominance and submission, sensuality and mutuality, sexual magic, sensual magic, radical sex, or power and trust. You’ll also frequently encounter the acronym BDSM, which encompasses a variety of sexual practices or fantasies involving power exchange: B/D refers to bondage and discipline, D/S to dominance and submission, and S/M to sadomasochism.

As the definition of S/M has broadened to include any eroticism that revolves around role-playing, power exchange, and heightening sensation, there’s been a notable upsurge of interest in the topic. With growing awareness of the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, many people are intrigued by the prospect of sexual play that is highly arousing yet doesn’t presume genital sex. S/M clubs and organizations across the country offer lectures, workshops, and play parties enabling participants to explore power play in a safe, structured context. The negotiation and communication required before two or more people embark on an S/M session can improve your chances of achieving sexual satisfaction, whether you’re relative strangers meeting up for a one-night adventure or you’re a long-term couple looking to break out of the rut of predictable sex.

When you factor in the popularization of fetish items such as leather, lingerie, collars, and corsets as seen on MTV and in fashion magazines, you have the phenomenon our friend Susie Bright dubs “S/M lite”—S/M imagery that has permeated mainstream culture. The Internet—which allows those curious about power play to access accurate information, resources, and a global community of like-minded enthusiasts—has played a huge part in bringing S/M out of the closet.

Of course, there’s nothing new under the sun, and power play has been a compelling aspect of human sexuality from the get-go. One archeologist has even theorized that one of the Ice Age Venus figurines depicts a woman whose wrists are bound together by bands of fur (see the entertaining chapter “S&M on the Steppe” in Timothy Taylor’s
Prehistory of Sex
). If erotic bondage was good enough for our ancestors some 25,000 years ago, why shouldn’t it be good enough for us today?

The following chapter briefly introduces you to an erotic style enjoyed and explicated by a wide range of articulate spokespersons. If what you read here sparks your curiosity, we encourage you to contact one of the numerous social and educational organizations available to people interested in exploring S/M—national organizations may be able to refer you to a group or chapter in your own town. Check out our resource listings for referrals to S/M organizations as well as a selection of the many excellent books, videos, and websites devoted to power play.

Let’s Define Our Terms

About Power Exchange

In S/M play, one partner assumes the dominant or “top” role, while the other assumes the submissive or “bottom” role in a prearranged encounter that is commonly referred to as a “scene.” This role-playing can take subtle to elaborate forms, and scenes may last for a few minutes or a few days. At the subtle end of the spectrum, you might play a dominant role by directing your partner to wear a particular item of clothing or to assume a particular position in bed. Or you might play a submissive role by agreeing that you won’t allow yourself to reach orgasm until your partner gives you permission to come. At the more elaborate end of the spectrum, you can make an erotic contract with your partner in which one of you serves as obedient sex-slave to the other. A day later, you might each switch roles.

The bottom line is, you can’t dominate your partner unless he or she allows you to take control, and you can’t submit to your partner unless he or she accepts control. The interdependency and fluidity of the power exchange implicit in S/M is expressed by the slash between the letters
S
and
M
—the two poles of the S/M experience are connected. One can’t exist in isolation from the other.

I love giving up control! Being made to hold back my orgasm until I have permission to come makes my orgasms stronger and more intense. I feel so taken care of.

Why, you may be asking yourself, would anyone want to take a dominant or submissive role during sex? To which we would respond: Have you taken a look at your own sex life lately? Sex between two people rarely proceeds along a strictly egalitarian path of mutual arousal to a simultaneous orgasm—more likely, each partner takes turns controlling the sensations the other is feeling. An ever-shifting power dynamic is fundamental to any human interaction. The range of feelings that arise during sex are hardly restricted to hearts-and-flowers sentimentality—protectiveness, vulnerability, abandonment, selfishness, curiosity, spite, pride, and love are all emotions that may ebb and flow in an intimate encounter.

Sometimes I’m almost frightened by how determined I am to make my partner come purely for my own selfish pleasure, just to hear her scream and watch her lose control.

You might recoil at the thought that humiliating a partner could be arousing, but who hasn’t enjoyed teasing a lover in the manner described below:

I like to rim my most recent male partner or lick his butt, because he moans a lot when I do. He hates to be involuntarily demonstrative, yet he finds it pleasurable, so he’s in this quandary. He usually makes me stop because he’s embarrassed about moaning.

Perhaps the gentleman described in this quote might benefit from a stern mistress or master who’d tie him down, lick him to distraction, and refuse to release him until his moans of pleasure were fully audible. After all, he’s withholding pleasure, not only from his partner, but from himself—perhaps if someone else takes over the task of “punishing” him for his demonstrative ways, he’ll no longer feel compelled to punish himself by censoring his responses. Abdicating control and putting your partner in the driver’s seat is a highly effective way to make an end run around your own sexual shame and self-denial.

The Fantasy Connection

A closer look at your own sexual fantasies may give you some further clues as to the appeal of power play. Many people enjoy fantasies that break down into one of two categories. One popular fantasy theme is that of being completely subjugated by kidnappers, rapists, aliens,
etc.

I fantasize being forcefully “taken” with one or more men watching and waiting their turns, while my partner directs the action.

The complementary and equally popular fantasy theme is that of being in complete erotic control of a stable full of love slaves, some real-life authority figure, a celebrity,
etc.

In my fantasy I’m dominating a man and a woman who are completely at my disposal for any activity I plan for them, i.e., bondage, spanking, anal penetration with dildos.

Power play is central to our erotic imaginations, and practitioners of S/M often argue that consciously addressing this fact has brought a heightened self-awareness, honesty, and integrity to their sexual life that so-called “vanilla” (non-S/M) sex simply cannot provide.

I have fantasized about S/M for most of my life, and have just started exploring my fantasies in the flesh. My new lover is FTM. Being with transfolk involves learning about how potent a sexual organ the mind is. Power play just expands that awareness, and it amplifies excitement, experience, and satisfaction. It requires a trust more overt and profound than that generally experienced in life, and that trust provides the foundation for unparalleled intensity.

Who’s on Bottom?

What, specifically, is the appeal of taking a submissive role? In many ways it mirrors the appeal of subjugation fantasies. The implication that you are so desirable and alluring that an overpowering dominant will stop at nothing to possess you is the crux of time-honored fantasies ranging from ravishment by bodice-ripping pirates to prison-yard gang bangs. The fantasy that you inspire overwhelming desire frees you to be swept away by your own sexual desires—at the same time, you’re released from responsibility for anything you might say or do. This surrender can be a particular relief to those who feel guilty or ambivalent about sex.

I’ve just recently begun experimenting with dominance and submission—seems to free me up to “lose control” more easily.

It can also be liberating to those who crave lots of sensation to reach orgasm. Whereas you may feel embarrassed by your own high tolerance for stimulation or for being a “hard come” in vanilla sex situations, as a greedy, “insatiable” submissive you can be an object of pride and respect.

I like being bound and teased—I’m excitingly embarrassed by how kinky I can get when provoked or manipulated to respond sexually. It lets me be free to enjoy sex deeply.