The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (9 page)

If you are having erections while you sleep, presumably your difficulties with erection during waking hours are psychological, not physiological in origin. Maybe you are forcing yourself into sexual situations you don’t want to be in; or your sex life has become oppressively goal-oriented; or you’re experiencing stress that is affecting your sexual responsiveness.

At 27, I assumed I was too young to have to worry about sexual problems, but during a stressful separation and divorce, I found myself unable to get or maintain an erection. This not only was a problem in itself, but it also proved to be somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I thought about it, the more depressed I got, and the less responsive my body became to sexual stimulation. Then I started deep reflection, and relaxing exercises…this was all the help I needed. While I’m not back to 100 percent, things are definitely “looking up.”

Consider taking a sabbatical from partner sex; restricting your partner interactions to nondemand touching, such as massage; or adopting a less performance-based approach to genital sex. Many couples have discovered that erections aren’t necessary for pleasurable sexual encounters. You can focus on alternatives to intercourse or experiment with “soft entry” penetration. You’ll find soft entry easiest if you are on top, so that gravity is on your side, and if you clasp the base of your penis to create a cock ring effect. Bear in mind that your penis can be an erotic tool regardless of how firm it is:

My husband has erection problems at times, so we spend more time with creative foreplay and pleasuring each other in a variety of ways, which we both really enjoy when he is not able to enter me in the usual manner. I especially love it when he takes the soft head of his penis and strokes it against my thighs or rubs it against my clit.

Sex therapy and/or talk therapy can help you address the emotional components that may be complicating your erection difficulties. Even when erectile dysfunction has a physiological cause, it can create intimacy and relationship issues that benefit from open discussion.

If you do find that there are physiological causes for your erectile dysfunction, you don’t lack for treatment options. Over the years, treatments have included vacuum pumps; injections to produce temporary, involuntary erections; and surgical implants. Viagra is the first oral pill to hit the market, and its convenience (you take it approximately one hour prior to intercourse) and effectiveness (it’s been found to work for seven in ten men, with the exception of diabetics and those recovering from prostate surgery) have led to skyrocketing sales. The active ingredient in Viagra is sildenafil, which aids in relaxing smooth muscle cells, thereby improving blood flow to the penis.

Things have definitely slowed down with age, but Viagra is the best thing since sliced bread! Timing and dependability of my erections started to fade a few years ago. With Viagra, it’s like borrowing a younger penis for three hours.

I rarely orgasm as strongly as I used to when I was younger. I now use Viagra to help me get and keep an erection, and I am satisfied with the results.

While Viagra is a useful sex enhancer for many men, it’s no magic bullet. It doesn’t necessarily create firmer or longer-lasting erections than you would otherwise have. It won’t inspire desire, boost a flagging libido, or bridge the emotional distance created by insufficient intimacy or communication. Before running to your doctor for a prescription, we’d encourage you to take the time to evaluate how crucial erections are to your sex life. Many men find that as they get older and are less able to have erections on demand, they expand their sexual activities to include more nongenital touch, oral sex, playing with vibrators, and penetrating their partners with either a dildo or a soft penis. It may be that your partner is less attached to intercourse than you might think and would be happy to build a sex life based on any one of the numerous pleasurable alternatives.

At the age of 64, the sensitivity of my penis diminished markedly, and erection and orgasm became much more difficult to achieve. This has not been a difficult adjustment for me as sex can now be much more relaxed and less goal-oriented. When I do achieve orgasm, the sensation is definitely still there.

Ejaculation

Although they tend to be inseparably linked in many folks’ minds, ejaculation and orgasm are two distinct physiological phenomena, controlled by different nerve groups in the spine. Ejaculation is the result of a build-up of sexual tension that causes muscles near the prostate gland to contract, sending fluids from the prostate gland and seminal vesicles into the urethra. This produces the sensation referred to medically as “ejaculatory inevitability” and popularly as “ohmigod, I’m about to come!” Seconds later, intricately timed signals from the brain close off the valve between the bladder and the urethra and propel the ejaculate down the urethra and out the penis. Generally, ejaculation is accompanied by the involuntary, rhythmic contraction of the pelvic muscles, which is experienced as orgasm. However, it’s possible to pass over the neurological point of no return and ejaculate without having yet reached orgasm:

I don’t remember having an orgasm without ejaculation, but I have ejaculated without an orgasm—a disappointing experience!

It’s also possible for a man to reach orgasm without ever ejaculating. Orgasm without ejaculation can be the result of retrograde ejaculation, which occurs when the valve between your bladder and urethra doesn’t close and ejaculate is forced back into the bladder, rather than out the urethra. Retrograde ejaculation sometimes happens in men with spinal injuries or in men who have had prostate or bladder surgery—it should not adversely affect the pleasure you experience during orgasm.

After surgery to reduce an enlarged prostate, ejaculation no longer happens as usual—it’s retrograde ejaculation with the semen being voided with the urine. It’s been an adjustment but no problem. Also, no mess!

Orgasm without ejaculation can also be a conscious technique in men who train themselves to bypass the expulsion of semen and to experience the pleasurable full-body sensations and muscular contractions of orgasm without ejaculating. We’ll discuss the phenomenon of orgasm without ejaculation in the Multiple Orgasm section below.

PREMATURE EJACULATION: Whether you are ejaculating “prematurely” or not is, of course, in the eye of the beholder. There are no absolutes when it comes to how long intercourse “should” take place before a man ejaculates. Whether the time involved is a minute or an hour, ejaculation is only premature if either partner wishes it had been delayed. It’s worth noting that very few gay men report problems with premature ejaculation—presumably since they’re not worrying about whether or not a female partner will reach orgasm, they don’t feel pressure around how long they do or don’t take to ejaculate. As men age, the rate at which they reach orgasm slows down naturally.

Popular remedies for premature ejaculation tend to focus on trying to counteract sexual arousal or to deaden sensation in the penis. You’re probably familiar with the stereotype of a man reciting baseball statistics to himself during intercourse so that he can “last longer,” and the adult industry does a booming business in numbing gels sold as “erection prolongers” (these contain anesthetic ingredients).

Actually, the best way to gain control over one’s physical responses is to increase rather than decrease awareness of sensation. Common and highly effective treatments for premature ejaculation involve learning to identify the moment of “ejaculatory inevitability” right before orgasm. If you feel that you’re reaching orgasm sooner than you’d like, practice the following stop-start exercises. Start by masturbating. Pay attention to your level of arousal, and when you feel you’re about to reach orgasm, stop moving, stop touching yourself for a moment, and let the arousal ebb slightly before starting up again. Repeat this a few times and see how long you can stimulate yourself each time before you have to back off again. After fifteen minutes or so, consciously allow yourself to come. The fact that you’ve built up to orgasm slowly and deliberately could well result in a particularly enjoyable orgasm.

The next step is to incorporate this stop-start technique into partner sex. Gradually intensify the stimulation you’re receiving in each session, so that you gain confidence that you can control your responses under increasingly arousing circumstances. It’s usually recommended that a man learning to control ejaculation progress from masturbating with no lubricant, to masturbating with lubricant, to intercourse with his partner on top of him while he lies still, to intercourse with him on top and moving. Some men utilize a variation of the stop-start method known as the squeeze technique. With this technique, you forestall an imminent orgasm by grasping the area right below your glans between your thumb and forefingers, and squeezing. After a few seconds of squeezing, you can resume stimulation and build yourself up to the point of ejaculatory inevitability again.

You may also find it helpful to use your PC muscle to delay ejaculation. See the Multiple Orgasm section below for tips on how you can modulate your level of arousal by consciously contracting and relaxing your PC muscle.

Bear in mind that you’re not going to gain control over your body by denying yourself sensation. Instead, let yourself take conscious pleasure in the different levels of arousal you’re capable of experiencing. As you learn to postpone the immediate gratification of orgasm, you may well discover a subtle range of sensation that is infinitely more gratifying.

Male and Female Anatomy

Anal Eroticism

The anus is an erogenous zone that doesn’t always receive the acknowledgment it so richly deserves. For many people, the anus is the seat of a lot of physical tension and is associated with uncleanliness, discomfort, and pain. Anal eroticism is all too frequently dismissed as “unnatural.” Yet if you can get past societal taboos and personal fears, you may be pleasantly surprised by the erotic possibilities of anal play.

After all, the anus is not only loaded with blood vessels and nerve endings, it also shares in the genital engorgement of arousal and the muscular contractions of orgasm. Many women and men find that direct stimulation of the anal opening enhances sex. The perineum, the area between the vaginal opening and the anus in women and between the base of the scrotum and the anus in men, is another potential erogenous zone.

When my fiancé is masturbating me, I just about come right away when he slips one of his fingers to the spot in between my vagina and my anus and rubs that while rubbing my clitoris with another finger—sexual heaven! My orgasm is definitely far more earth-moving and intense.

The anal opening is controlled by two sphincter muscles, which you can learn to relax and contract at will. The anus is only about one inch long and leads into the rectum, a five to nine inches long, highly expandable canal lined with smooth tissue. Many men and women enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure in the rectum resulting from anal penetration. Since rectal tissue is not as sturdy as vaginal tissue, and since the rectum takes a sort of
S
-shaped curve, you should take care not to insert anything rectally that isn’t smooth, flexible, and well-lubricated. The rectum leads into the colon, so you shouldn’t insert anything anally that doesn’t have a flared base, to prevent its slipping into your body.

Pelvic Muscles

The pelvic organs are supported by a complex muscle system that lies just beneath the surface of the pelvic floor. The pubococcygeus muscle group—known as the PC muscle, for short—runs from the pubic bone to the coccyx or tailbone and surrounds the genitals in a figure eight. The PC muscle contracts involuntarily during arousal and orgasm. Learning to contract it voluntarily can be a great sexual enhancer.

The easiest way to locate your PC muscle is to practice stopping the flow of urine—the muscle you use to do this is your PC. Once you’ve found it, you can exercise your PC muscle in a variety of ways. It’s helpful to try to coordinate your breathing with these exercises. For example, inhale and contract your PC at the same time. Hold both your breath and your contraction for a few seconds, then exhale and relax your muscle. Or try inhaling slowly while rapidly tightening and releasing your PC as many times as you can before exhaling and relaxing the muscle. Another exercise that involves abdominal muscles as well as pelvic muscles is to inhale and pull up your pelvic muscles as though you were sucking water into your anus and/or vagina, then exhale and bear down as though you were pushing the water out.

These exercises are sometimes referred to as Kegel exercises, in honor of the gynecologist who first popularized them. The benefits of “doing your Kegels” are numerous. You’ll gain greater awareness of sensation in your pelvic region. Exercise increases blood flow to the area, which is pleasurable in and of itself. Toned muscles are more flexible and better able to transmit sensation. You may well experience increased vaginal lubrication or easier, stronger erections thanks to a well-toned PC muscle. Techniques of controlling ejaculation and experiencing male multiple orgasm are based on learning voluntary control of pelvic muscles. Many people report increased sexual sensitivity and stronger orgasms as a result of exercising the PC. And, of course, there are no expensive gym memberships to worry about—you can do your Kegels anytime and anywhere.

For a long time, I thought that feeling a penis inside my vagina would make my otherwise “superficial” orgasms feel more intense and deep. But I was wrong. I started exercising my PC muscle, and from then on whenever I was close to orgasm, I would squeeze my PC muscle, and the orgasm would go straight to my core.