The Great Rabbit Revenge Plan (7 page)

Right enough, there is something! And so Konrad explains at great and elaborate length how he and his disgusting brother had catapulted half a bowl of spinach at the wall. What? Half a bowl? No, of course it was a whole bowl. And the spinach had spattered as high as the ceiling. And the bowl smashed into a thousand pieces. And what a rant Mum went on! And, and, and – Konrad does wonder if maybe he's telling lies. Not really. Life, Dad always says, is full of the beginnings of stories. You just have to think up a good ending for them. And besides, Fridz is roaring with laughter. And that's worth a bit of fibbing, isn't it?

At the Canal

‘Let's go to the canal,' says Fridz, when she is able to talk again.

To the canal! What should he say to that? Going to the canal has not, so far, been discussed in the Bantelmann house. There's no need, because Konrad is the kind of child who has an inbuilt sense of what is forbidden. Konrad always knows in advance perfectly well what he is not allowed to do. The lovely lawn in the park?
Keep off the grass
. The funny stuffed animal in the natural history museum?
Do not touch
. And the interesting little path along by the railway tracks?
No entry
.

It was the same with the canal. Konrad only had to see it from afar, that time when the houses in The Dransfeld were being built – and he knew at once that you weren't allowed to go there. And most certainly not alone.

‘Ah,' he says now, ‘to the canal?'

Of course, that is not meant to sound like ‘Oh no, no! That's not allowed!' It's meant to sound more like, ‘But would that be cool?'

Fridz either has no ear for such subtleties, or she's worked out what Konrad really meant to say.

‘Do you not dare, or are you just not allowed?'

Both: Konrad doesn't dare to say that he is probably not allowed to go to the canal. He adds quickly, ‘Of course I dare.' This, on the one hand, is not exactly true, but on the other hand it's the only thing that he dares to say. Life can be difficult.

‘Let's go, then,' says Fridz. She grabs Konrad by the arm and pulls him down into the hall. She yanks her shoes out of a rickety little cupboard and calls out, ‘Bye, Henri, we're just going to the ca-na-al!'

Who on earth is this Henri? Konrad wonders.

‘My mum,' says Fridz, as if he had actually asked the question.

‘Excuse me?'

Fridz has one shoe on already and Konrad hasn't even picked his up yet.

‘My mum's name is Henriette. But Dad always calls her Henri.'

Oh boy! Everything is so weird in number 28b. Konrad tries to imagine Dad calling Mum Eddi. He finally finds his shoes.

‘Bye, Henri!' calls Fridz again.

But there's no answer.

‘Maybe your mum's out.'

‘Nah. She's not out, she's here.' All at once, Fridz looks serious again. She even has a big frown in the middle of her forehead.

‘Keep quiet!' she says.

Konrad would have to stop breathing to be any quieter. He does so, carefully.

‘I can't hear a thing.'

‘Me neither.' Konrad breathes again, and it's not a moment too soon.

‘Henri!' Fridz shouts loudly.

Silence.

‘Hell!' says Fridz. She throws the second shoe at the front door. With a bound she is up the stairs again.

Konrad hears her calling ‘Mum! Mum! Where are you?'

What's going on? And what should Konrad do now? Stand here like the town clock? Or slither off home? Maybe something bad has happened. Or at least something that he shouldn't be around for. But what?

Very slowly, Konrad goes to the staircase and starts climbing. From there he can hear doors being slammed, and Fridz's excited voice. And finally he sees what's wrong. At least, he doesn't exactly see what's wrong. He only sees that Fridz's mum is lying, fully dressed, on the bed in the master bedroom, and that Fridz is bending over her. Her mum appears to be asleep and Fridz is trying to wake her up. She's screaming at her mum and she's shaking her. And now, yes, now she's even slapping her across the face. So hard that you can hear the smack.

‘Mum!' she keeps calling. ‘Wake up, Mum!' But her mum seems to be sleeping so deeply that she is totally out of it.

‘Quick, help me!' Fridz calls out and runs past Konrad into the bathroom, where she chucks the toothbrushes out of the tooth glasses and fills one of them with water.

‘You fill the other one,' she says and she's gone.

‘Quick!' she calls again.

Konrad hurries. As he comes back into the bedroom with the full tooth glass, he sees Fridz pouring the water over her mother's face. Without thinking, he passes her his glass, she takes it and does the same thing again.

‘Hey,' says her mother then, very softly. Her face and hair are wet and so is half the bed.

‘Hey,' she says again. ‘What are you doing?'

Then she pushes her wet hair off her face.

Fridz is standing by the bed. She says nothing.

‘I was asleep,' says her mother. At last she notices Konrad. ‘Oh, it's you,' she says. ‘She does such nice things, Friederike, doesn't she? You'd think she was nuts, the little one.'

She's sitting up now, and she tries to pull Fridz towards her but Fridz pulls herself free.

‘We're going to the canal,' she says bluntly. ‘I just wanted to let you know.' And then she takes Konrad by the arm and pulls him out of the room.

‘Be careful of the water!' her mother calls after them.

Half an hour later, Fridz and Konrad are at the canal. They let their legs hang over the steep bank and Fridz is throwing stones, one after another, into the dark water. Neither of them has said anything yet. Not even when a long, flat boat went by lying so low in the water that you'd think it was going to go under.

Konrad has been thinking hard. Maybe Fridz is slightly mad after all? Maybe her mum is sick? Or is it just that things between Fridz and her mum are very different from how things are at home? Hard to say.

He takes a look at Fridz out of the corner of his eye, the
way she's throwing stones in the canal, her teeth tightly clamped together. If she keeps this up, it will soon be so full of stones that the water will be all dammed up and the next boat will run aground.

One thing is sure, thinks Konrad at last: she's not really crazy. At any rate, he doesn't want her to be crazy. Because although she does such very odd things, he still thinks she's nice. Or maybe it's precisely because she does such odd things that he thinks she's nice.

At last, he dares to ask, ‘What was all that about? You know, with your mother?'

Fridz looks at him. ‘She was sleeping again,' she says.

‘Yes, well, I know that, but why did you throw water in her face?'

‘To wake her up.'

‘Right,' says Konrad. She's being pretty snippy. And he doesn't want to ask any more, because he's afraid that snippy could easily turn into downright nasty. In the end, though, he does ask, ‘But why did she have to wake up?'

First Fridz throws a whole handful of stones into the water. ‘You really haven't a clue, have you?' she says. ‘My mum is unhappy, do you see? And because she is unhappy, she can't always manage. Then she just goes to bed and sleeps. She can bear it all a bit better while she is asleep. Or so she says.'

‘So just let her sleep, then.'

But Fridz shakes her head, making her long red hair fly about. ‘She takes tablets,' she says. ‘Because she can't sleep without them. But – ' and here she boxes Konrad pretty
hard in the arm, ‘these tablets, I'm telling you, if you take too many of them, they're dangerous.'

‘Ah,' says Konrad. ‘So could a person sleep until next Sunday?'

‘Oh, you thicko! You don't sleep. You die!'

‘Oh, right, I see,' says Konrad.

And then the two of them sit by the dark brown canal without speaking. Until Fridz says, ‘I could kill her!'

‘Who?' cries Konrad, shocked. ‘Your mum?'

‘Don't talk such rubbish!' Fridz stands up and starts walking, and Konrad has to hurry to catch up with her.

‘That Kristine,' says Fridz. ‘Kristine with a K. My dad's girlfriend. I could kill her. If it wasn't for her, then we wouldn't have all this trouble. The stupid cow.'

‘Hmm,' says Konrad. ‘You should tell your dad to come home. Tell him he should do it for your mum's sake. That usually works.'

‘You are soft in the head.' Fridz doesn't even look at Konrad. She just walks more quickly along the canal path. ‘What do you think he would do if I said that?'

‘Dunno,' says Konrad, who is a little out of breath.

Then Fridz stops. She stands in front of Konrad with her hands on her hips. ‘My dear child,' she says in a very deep voice. ‘I know that all this is hard for you. But there is nothing I can do about that. You see, my angel, when two people don't love each other any more, then they have to separate. Otherwise, it all just gets even worse. And that's no good to anyone. So!'

‘So,' says Fridz again, this time in her normal voice. ‘And
then he hugs me and gives me a cuddle and says, “You're my little dandelion, my little princess, my fairy queen.” ' She rolls her eyes. ‘And then off he goes again to his blonde Kristine.'

Oh dear, oh dear! Konrad senses danger. Fridz looks as if she is about to burst into tears. And then Konrad Bantelmann would be here at the canal, which is not allowed, he would be here with a girl, which is just not right for a boy, and the girl would, moreover, be crying! Konrad just couldn't cope with so many terrible and forbidden things all at once.

‘Well,' he says quickly. ‘Well …' He has to say something that will make sure Fridz doesn't start crying. ‘You could …' he says, though he still has no idea what on earth she could do. ‘You could…set a trap for Kristine!'

‘What kind of a trap?'

Well, at least she's not crying.

‘A trap … with … a trap with …'

Oh lordy me, Konrad Bantelmann, you are getting absolutely nowhere. He can't think of a thing to say. What on earth made him suggest a trap? It's a cracked idea. ‘With insects!'

‘Huh?' says Fridz.

‘An insect trap,' says Konrad. ‘Like in the game. Level two. She could fall into it and then she'd have to scratch herself all over.'

He knew it was a ridiculous idea.

‘Hmm,' says Fridz, crinkling up her eyes and peering at Konrad.

Now what?

‘Ye-es,' says Fridz. She says it the way gangsters do in those films that Konrad isn't supposed to watch.

‘Yes,' she says again. ‘That's brilliant. We'll set a rabbit trap for the stupid cow.'

A rabbit trap? Was she serious?

‘Super!' cries Fridz. ‘Su-per!' She is thrilled. ‘That's a super idea. We'll send Dad's last Flemish Giant to her.' She punches Konrad in the chest. ‘Don't you get it?'

Konrad doesn't get anything.

‘Yahooey,' says Fridz. ‘The stupid cow is allergic to rabbits. That's why Dad has to keep the beasts away from her.'

Boy, has he struck it lucky!

Or maybe not.

‘Yes, allergic.' Fridz is so delighted that she starts to dance. ‘The silly goose! She's allergic to fur. She only needs to go
near
a rabbit and she starts to sneeze and to sweat. And her throat swells up and her hands go red!'

‘And her hair goes purple!' says Konrad.

‘Yes.' Fridz whispers into Konrad's ear. ‘Her teeth too, and her fingernails!'

‘And she gets green spots on her stomach!'

‘And her earlobes go yellow. And her toenails curl up. And her knees turn to jelly. And her head too.'

Fridz is jumping with joy. Suddenly she grabs Konrad by both arms, pulls him towards her and gives him a kiss on the cheek. The kiss almost hurts.

‘Right,' she says and looks into his eyes. ‘Let's go! Whoever thinks up the worst thing wins.'

And off they go. It's a good game. A wonderful game. You
wouldn't believe how many good ideas you get when you've decided to be good and mean.

Of course, Fridz wins. It's unbelievable the things she thinks up. She is beside herself with delight.

When they get to number 28b, she puts her hand over Konrad's mouth.

‘Not a word,' she says, ‘till tomorrow! We'll do it tomorrow, right? Straight after breakfast.'

‘Right,' says Konrad.

‘And don't breathe a word to a soul! Deal?'

‘Deal.'

‘Good. I have to go in now and see to Henri.'

Fridz waves and disappears into the house.

Konrad waves back. Then he makes his way slowly home, thinking the whole thing over. He had a date with a girl. He'd experienced something pretty awful. He'd been to the canal, where he isn't allowed to go. He'd thought of something mean. And … he'd been kissed!

Konrad remembers his Dransfeld list. He should really write all this up. Oh – think about something else, quick!

It works. Sort of.

Kristine Crisis

At dinner that evening in the Bantelmanns' house, the thing that Konrad has been dreading doesn't happen. To his great surprise, nobody mentions spinach, neither its flight nor its landing. And there is nothing to be seen on the wall. Mum has painted over the mark and dried it off with the hairdryer.

However, there is a demand for freshly squeezed Konrad. They want to squeeze words out of him, the way you squeeze juice out of a lemon. After all, he's just had his first date with a girl. His parents are all agog.

Konrad is not, however, a lemon, and he is not going to let anyone squeeze him. But he does not say, ‘I'm telling you nothing!' That would be stupid. Instead, he puts up passive resistance.

How did it go? he is asked.

‘Well,' is the expansive answer.

And what had they done?

‘Played.'

Good heavens! How extraordinary! And what exactly had they played?

‘Different things.'

My goodness, what a talkative boy!

Mum and Dad Bantelmann are starting to get a bit edgy. Could he maybe be a little bit more precise? Please? Please!

‘Crazy Bugs 3,'
says Konrad cheerfully.

And then at last comes the question that he had been most afraid of. What's Friederike's family like?

‘Nice,' says Konrad stoutly.

Then Dad gets up from his chair and comes and kneels on the floor beside Konrad.

‘Mercy, O great master,' he says in a tearful voice. ‘Would the great master please grant us the favour of letting us in just a little bit on the adventures that have befallen him this afternoon on his voyage of discovery into deepest Dransfeld? For we, the humble and loyal Wolfgang and Edith Bantelmann, have been entrusted with the upbringing of the lord and merciful master Konrad, and therefore we have, in this regard, a natural interest in knowing where our silent hero has been tootling around.'

Peter doesn't understand a word of this, but he laughs a lot anyway, putting his chocolate in mortal danger.

‘Watch out!' shouts Mum.

She means Peter and his drinking chocolate. But the warning applies to Konrad too. Because if he doesn't tell them something, then his parents will be cross. On the other hand, he must not tell them anything, because if he says anything, he is sure to let slip the dreadful tale of the sleeping mother and her tablets. And that must not happen! Konrad is absolutely sure that it would be either forbidden or stupid to tell about that. Maybe even both. So, in order to avoid these two dangers, he tells in great detail all about how they got to level five in
Crazy Bugs 3
and how Fridz then went totally berserk and chased the little bug-catcher
around the screen and how the window got broken and how the other bugs then – '

‘Thank you,' says Dad. He's back on his chair again now. ‘Thank you very much,' he says again. But it doesn't sound altogether friendly. ‘Many thanks for the helpful information,' he says, but then Mum makes some kind of a signal to him and the rest of dinner proceeds quietly and uneventfully. To everyone's surprise, even Peter's chocolate survives.

Just two hours later, Dad is lying on Peter's bed and the boys are trying, for the nth time, not to kick him in the stomach, or anywhere else, while trying to get their legs into the most comfortable position.

‘Well, then,' says Dad. ‘Anabasis the forest snake. The mysterious crystal. The learned Franzkarl Findouter. And … the treacherous Dr Bigomil A. Deceiver.' He seems to be trying to recall the story bit by bit and with considerable effort. Then he suddenly finds the thread that holds all these parts of the story together.

‘Right,' he says. ‘Right. We've heard about the secret powers of the crystal and, ehh, we can guess that the scientists are going to find it very difficult to get it quickly and safely to a great laboratory.'

‘Dad,' says Konrad.

‘Yes?' It's not easy to tell whether or not Dad is receptive to interruptions today.

‘Dad,' says Konrad again. ‘This Findouter …'

‘Yes, what about him?'

‘He
is
divorced.'

‘What?' says Dad, sounding neither entirely pleased nor
extremely irritated. Just a bit surprised.

‘Yes,' says Konrad. ‘I'm sure of it now. But he hasn't got two sons. He has a daughter. She's called … ehh …' Konrad pauses, but after two or three more ‘ehhs' he says quickly, ‘She's called Luise.'

‘I see. And how do you know all this?'

Hmm, how does he know this? Usually, only Dad knows how the stories go, and Konrad and Peter just ask the questions. So Dad has every right to be surprised.

‘I just do,' says Konrad.

Not much of an answer. And as you might expect, Dad is not very happy with it.

‘What does that mean, you just know?'

It's all down to Konrad now. If he says ‘I just do' again, then the forest snake story will probably continue the way Dad wants it to go. But if he can think up some reason why Franzkarl Findouter is divorced, then Dad would have to bring it into the story. And that's important for Konrad. Very important, in fact.

‘I know it because of the mobile,' he says. ‘When you're away, you ring up every evening on your mobile. But this Findouter is on an expedition in the jungle, and he hasn't rung home a single time.'

‘Hmm,' says Dad. ‘Hasn't rung home? Not even once?'

‘No. You never said he did.'

‘Hmm,' says Dad again. It's true, he keeps ringing home himself. Last week, he'd even got a new mobile so he could do it, one that you can fold up so that it fits nicely in your pocket.

‘So what do you think?' he says after a while. ‘Has he got another woman?'

‘Yes,' says Konrad. ‘Another woman. A girlfriend.'

‘Right, I see,' says Dad slowly. ‘And what is this other woman called?'

‘Kristine,' says Konrad quickly. ‘Kristine with a K.'

‘And what's her other name?'

Her other name? How on earth should Konrad know!

‘How about Kristine Crisis?' says Dad.

Peter, who has been lying there, struck dumb with astonishment, suddenly laughs out loud.

‘Kristine Crisis! Kristine Crisis!' he shouts and kicks out all around him.

It's not entirely clear if he knows what a crisis is. But just as Konrad always knows in advance what is not allowed, Peter has a pretty good nose for what is funny.

Well, thinks Konrad, it might do.

And so it does.

‘OK – she's called Kristine Crisis,' says Dad. ‘Or more precisely, Dr Kristine Crisis. She is, let's say, twenty-nine years old, and she wrote her doctoral thesis on mysterious zig-zag footprints in Scottish wheatfields. After that, she became Franzkarl Findouter's personal assistant, and they fell in love on an expedition to the temples of the Minka. Are you happy now?'

‘Yes,' says Konrad.

‘So I can go on with the story?'

‘No,' says Konrad.

‘What do you mean, no?'

‘We have to tell the whole thing. And that means more about Luise.'

‘Who is Luise?'

‘I told you,' says Konrad, in a reproachful tone, ‘that's the daughter of Franzkarl and Evelyn Findouter. She's at home with her mum. And her mum is not well.'

‘Oh, no,' says Dad. ‘I have to tell all about this?'

‘Yes,' says Konrad curtly. It sounds like an order.

‘No,' says Peter. ‘You have to tell about the forest snake. And about Dr Deceiver's crystal.'

There are days when you would like to roast your little brother over an open fire. You can't, of course. You'd probably regret it later. But Konrad would very much like to at least pinch Peter in the leg to make him shut up. But he can't do that either, because Dad is stretched out between the two of them. So what can he do? And then it strikes him. He looks over Dad's body at Peter and says just one word: ‘Spinach.'

It works! Because if Konrad tells about the flying spinach, then not only he but also Peter will have to hear the lecture that Dad will be obliged to give. So Peter doesn't say another word. But that only makes Dad curious about the secret communication between his sons.

‘Let's get on with it,' he says loudly and as if he hasn't noticed a thing. ‘So where do they live, this Frau Findouter and her daughter Luise?'

‘In a very new house,' says Konrad. ‘In a very new house among lots of other new houses.'

‘Aha,' says Dad. ‘And Professor Findouter?'

‘He didn't move in at all.'

‘Hah! So where does he live then?'

‘He lives with Kristine Crisis.'

‘I see,' says Dad. ‘So that's the way it is. Things are in a bad way. This is one of those unhappy situations into which even the happiest family can slip. And as is often the case, it has affected the little daughter Luise most of all.'

‘No,' Konrad interrupts. ‘It's worse for the mother.'

‘How do you mean?'

But Konrad only shakes his head. Dad has to tell it himself.

‘So, the mother is in a bad way,' says Dad slowly. He has to think his way into the story. ‘But it's no wonder,' he continues. ‘For nearly two years, she has had to make all the decisions about the new house all by herself. She's had to choose the tiles for the bathroom and the carpet for Luise's bedroom while her famous husband was in the jungle, digging for bits of pottery. But she did it gladly. Because do you know what she thought?'

Konrad shakes his head again.

‘She thought, when we've moved into the lovely new house, then Professor Findouter will feel so at ease there that he will immediately start looking for things to research that are not in the back of beyond. On the contrary, he will be a home-based researcher, and he can come home every evening to his wife and daughter, and he can stay home altogether at the weekend. Is that the way it was?' asks Dad.

Konrad nods.

‘Good,' says Dad. ‘But unfortunately, it all turns out totally
differently. When the Findouters' new house is almost ready, and Frau Findouter has organised the move, the professor is just up a Minka pyramid in the temple city of Hattumaku.'

Peter laughs at ‘Hattumaku.'

‘Exactly,' says Konrad. Once again he threatens, ‘spinach,' and Peter goes quiet.

‘It's evening in Hattumaku', says Dad. He seems to be getting gradually interested in the new story. ‘The sun is going down, blood red, over the Minka temples, and Franzkarl Findouter suddenly feels desperately lonely. He'd much prefer to be at home with his wife and daughter than sitting here on this damned pile of stones. They could be cooking a barbecue or going on a cycle or just sitting by the canal, watching the boats. But it cannot be. Things have to be researched in foreign lands, so that later, fat books can be written and new bits of pottery can be put on display in museums.'

‘And then?'

‘Hmm, well, as the professor is sitting there sadly on his pyramid, gawping at the sunset, who should come by with a sausage in one hand and a bottle of cold beer in the other?'

‘Crisis,' says Konrad darkly.

‘Exactly. Dr Crisis, who takes very good care of her dear professor, comes prancing up the wobbly old stones, waving the sausage and the beer bottle in the air while she is still quite far off and calling in a sweet voice – well, what do you think she is calling?'

‘Dinner is ready,' says Konrad.

‘Wrong,' says Dad. ‘Sweetly, she calls –'

‘She calls “sweetie”?'

‘No! She calls in a sweet voice.'

‘ “Come on. Here's something yummy,” ' says Konrad. It sounds bittersweet.

‘Right,' says Dad. ‘And what do you think happens when dear little Kristine presses the sausage and the beer into Findouter's hand?'

‘He gobbles it all up,' says Konrad. ‘What else would he do?'

‘And what next?'

‘Dunno!'

‘Well, the professor falls head over heels in love with his enchanting assistant. Ping!'

‘Just like that?' says Konrad. ‘Ping? Just because of the sausage and the beer?'

‘No,' says Dad. ‘Not just because of the sausage and the beer. But just at that moment, Herr Findouter has a deep need for tender loving care. And because his wife, who is in charge of the tender loving care department, is not there, then he transfers his need to the good Fräulein Crisis.'

‘I don't think so,' says Konrad. ‘What does he do then?'

‘Well,' says Dad, ‘what does he do? He does what people do in cases like this. He eats his sausage, drinks his beer, wipes his mouth, sits his Fräulein Crisis down beside him, and then the two of them watch together as the sun goes down over the old temples. He puts his arm around her shoulders, and whispers some very nice things into her ear.'

To show exactly what he means, Dad puts an arm around
Peter and whispers something into his ear. It tickles like mad, which makes Peter laugh and kick Dad in the stomach.

‘Ooof,' says Dad.

‘And then?' Konrad is much more curious now than he ever was about the forest snake story.

But Dad is pinching and tickling Peter.

‘And then?' says Konrad again.

‘Hmm.' Dad lets Peter go again. ‘Well, it depends.'

‘On what?'

‘On Fräulein Crisis. If she moves a bit away, or if she lets out a piercing scream or if she smacks him smartly on the hand, then… well, then, the lonely Findouter will go into his tent, drink maybe another seven bottles of beer, fall asleep and tomorrow he will have a headache. But on the other hand…'

Dad pauses. He seems to be thinking.

Konrad is very quiet.

‘If, on the other hand, Fräulein Crisis sits tight and listens to what he whispers in her ear, and lets out just a soft ‘Oh' and a ‘Yes, of course' or even if she cuddles in closer to him and lays her head on his shoulder …'