The Green Knight (63 page)

Harvey's left hand was holding his right hand firmly by the wrist. The sun shone upon his yellow hair, he had combed it carefully, its strands fell in very slightly curling straight lines. He was taller than Sefton. He released his right hand and stretched it out towards her across the bed. They shook hands. Then they both sat down on the bed on opposite sides, turning to see each other. Harvey thought, this is one of the most weird and
dangerous
moments of my life. As Sefton did not reply to him he said, ‘I suppose you wanted us to cool off.'

Sefton said, ‘I wanted us to know that it was
possible
that what happened the day before yesterday was an odd event which just happened once and had no sequel.'

‘Well, I want a sequel. Perhaps you don't?' He added, ‘Perhaps you think we don't suit each other?' Sefton shuddered. ‘So you do think so?'

‘No. I think your terminology is ludicrous. Whatever is between us now is far above – all that – '

‘All what?'

‘Discussions of compatibility.'

‘Well, I don't think much of your terminology, either. Get up, would you?'

Sefton stood up and watched Harvey tear off the counterpane and haul back the sheets and blankets. Then he began to undress, pulling off his shirt and kicking off his shoes and his trousers.

Sefton had never seen a man entirely naked. She had instinctively found the male organs, unless excused and made innocent by great art, rather pathetic and ugly. She took off her coat and dropped it on the floor. Then she sat down again on the bed and watched him. Harvey, now undressed, knelt down on the floor against his side of the bed, as if modestly hiding himself from her.

Sefton said, ‘Of course you know I've never done this before.'

Harvey, crossing his arms on his chest and lowering his eyes, said, ‘Neither have I really – I had an experience – which I'll tell you about later.'

‘Well, for heaven's sake don't tell me now.'

‘I have taken precautions, so you needn't fear – '

‘I have taken precautions too.'

‘So you believed in the sequel.'

‘Yes but – you see –
this
might be a single occasion too – and I want it, if it happens, not to be – that's what yesterday was about – '

‘You haven't said that you love me. If you don't there's still time to say so.'

‘I love you, Harvey.'

‘You are not to go away. I see you are wearing a skirt.'

Sefton took off her shoes and her long socks and her knickers and dropped her skirt on the floor. As she did so she saw Harvey delving into the foot of the bed and bringing out an object which turned out to be a hot water bottle. She looked at it with revulsion and horror. She began to unbutton her long shirt.

Harvey had stretched himself out on the bed. ‘Take it off, Sefton, and come to me.'

Sefton took it off and lay down beside him trembling and closing her eyes.

 

 

‘I do hope it didn't hurt?'

‘Only for a moment.'

‘And – oh dear dear Sefton – you did like it, I did please you?'

‘Yes, yes – '

‘You have given me such joy, like I didn't know existed, it's like being made into an angel, you have made me into an angel, you have made me into a god, it's like being blinded by blazing happiness, like the sun coming down and down and one is exploding into the sun, oh Sefton you have made me so happy, so joyful, I love you forever, I worship you, I am in heaven, you are so beautiful, you are happy too, you do love me, it is wonderful for you?'

‘I love you.'

‘I feel so strange, as if I were living in a myth – '

‘Myths are dangerous places.'

‘But
we
are safe, aren't we, aren't we, my dear dear one?'

‘Yes – be quiet, my darling – '

‘We are good monsters, we are happy monsters, we have been changed into divine beings, we are glorified – '

‘Yes, rest now – I am going to put some clothes on.'

Sefton rapidly put on her shirt and her knickers, then put her skirt on and buttoned it at her narrow waist. She sat on the bed, tucking her bare feet away under her skirt. ‘Harvey, put your shirt on.' Sitting up, he put it on. They looked at each other.

‘Sef, don't say now that you don't like me, that you don't want me. I shall die if you say that.'

‘I love you. That is everything. Please let us rest together now.' They reposed, leaning upon piles of pillows, looking at each other and gently touching. Harvey unbuttoned Sefton's shirt and put his hands upon her breasts.

‘Sef, you're not afraid of sex? Some girls are to begin with.'

‘I'm not afraid.'

‘Fancy, I've just discovered sex! It's everything they say, only far far more! Bellamy said to me once, “Be patient, it will all come to you, some god will explain it to you, it will all be clarified, it will all be
easy
!” And so it is!'

‘Bellamy said that to you? I'm glad.'

‘You're thinking perhaps that Bellamy was the person – I had that experience with – it wasn't him, it was Tessa – and it was nothing,
nothing
happened – I just wanted to try it on someone, I wasn't in love with her, she was just being kind to me – I'm terribly sorry, I wish I'd waited, please don't mind, you do forgive me, don't you?'

‘Of course I don't mind! And I wasn't thinking of that about Bellamy at all – I'm just glad the god has explained it. We must do our work – '

‘This is our work! All right, I know what you mean, we will work, I shall work far far better, my foot will heal – '

‘Let me look at your foot.'

Harvey displayed it. Sefton took it gently in her hands and massaged it, then stroked it as if it were an animal. ‘Sef, it's better already. You know, Peter did that for it on that night, when he was taken away.'

‘Perhaps he'll do it again.'

‘And
you'll
do it again. Suddenly anything is possible. We'll leap over all the obstacles.'

‘And we'll tell each other the truth.'

‘Oh Sefton, we're here, we've arrived, this is it – trip no further, pretty sweeting – I'm so happy, I'm crazy with happiness, the world is brilliant, it's shining – '

‘Do get dressed, my darling, I want you dressed.'

‘We are transformed, we are blazing with light, I tremble before you.'

‘I tremble too.'

‘Yes, I'll get dressed. We are made for each other, no one else will do.'

‘About obstacles, we shall have to think, we shall have to be careful.'

‘Sefton, we shall be married, we shall be together.'

‘We must tell the others.'

‘What others?'

‘Your mother, my mother, my sisters, Clement, Bellamy – '

‘But why “careful”? I don't like that “careful”.'

‘Harvey, we've got to think what to say, how to say it, in what order, in what words, they'll be amazed, they'll be shocked, they may be upset, they may be angry – '

‘Oh to hell with them. We'll just announce it!'

‘For instance, what about Aleph?'

‘How do you mean, what about Aleph?'

‘People have expected you to marry her, perhaps they still do. Perhaps
she
expects it. You love her.'

‘Oh Sefton! I love her as a sister! We understand each other, we've known each other forever. We know that
that
is impossible between us!'

‘Yes, but your understanding with her may envisage your marrying someone else, but not your marrying me.'

‘So you will reject me to please Aleph!'

‘Don't tease me.'

‘I'm not
teasing
you.'

‘I'm sorry, forgive me – '

‘I forgive you. I love you.'

‘I love you. Oh Harvey, I feel so strange, so wonderful, so devastated – now I'm going to cry, and after that I shall go home, I must be alone for a while.'

 

Sefton, at home in her little room, did not lie down on the red and blue carpet, but knelt beside her bed burying her face as if in prayer, then slipping sideways huddled with her arms about her knees. She had taken off her skirt and put on her old corduroy trousers. She was listening to a voice, a much loved voice, a voice of authority, which said: simplify your life, travel light, do not become involved with family problems, possessions, or the troubles of others, do not marry, marriage ends truthfulness, live with solitude, solitude is essential if real thinking is to take place. She thought, he will never forgive me, he will despise me and cast me out, he warned me against the ambiguous Eros, the deceiver, the magician, the sophist, the maker of drugs and poisons. Of course I am in love, yes, this is love, and I am sick with it – but what follows? Do I really believe that I shall give over my life, the whole of my life, which is only just now
really beginning
to another person? Shall I cease forever to be the cat that walks by herself by her wild lone? What has happened to my soldierly completeness with which I was so content, my satisfaction and my pride? At the first trial I am broken. Something
terrible
has happened to me, something which I never thought of as ever concerning me, I am a different person, I feel that difference in every atom of my captured and invaded body. I am distracted from myself. I am
losing
myself, I am in a state of
warfare
, of confusions and compromises and base dissension and deceit. I must not become this other person, this cowardly overthrown defeated person. By what act have I betrayed myself? There was an invasion and a pain. What I felt then was
his
exaltation,
his
joy, and my love for him leaping over all obstacles. Can this be right and true, the truth of a life, of my life? Oh I am so confused, I want my solitude. And what of Aleph, how does she stand, my dear sister whom I have loved forever with such an innocent and guileless love? How can I gauge Aleph's mind? Is it possible that she sees Harvey as her property, something
kept
all this long time
in store
, waiting for the grown-up moment which may be now so nearly ripe? Could she not indeed at any time reach out her hand and take Harvey from me? Or else, this changeless step which we two have taken, which must destroy the happy childish harmony in which we have all lived so long, could it not also ruin Aleph's life – and in ruining hers, ruin ours! I have never had such terrible deep thoughts – and must I now forever live with such thoughts? Perhaps poor Harvey simply wanted sex, and lacking Aleph took me up instead, a substitute, a sort of puppet, instead of Aleph, even perhaps to spite her, not really loving me at all. What do I know of Aleph's thoughts, of that long long conversation between her and Harvey, from which I have been excluded? I must
stop
this thing, I must not go back to Harvey, I must tell him that I cannot come to him, that I must draw back, that we must be apart forever. What an agony, what a tearing pain, what horrible and evil thoughts darken my mind – oh why did this awful thing have to happen, my peace and my innocence are gone from me forever.

She thought, I'll write a letter to him now, and deliver it at once. I won't see him, I'll just drop it in. Then I shall feel free. She wrote.

She quickly sealed the letter and ran out of the house. Already it was getting dark. How had the day gone so quickly?

 

Louise, coming down the stairs, saw Sefton returning.

‘Oh Sefton, there you are, where have you been?'

‘Just delivering something.'

‘Are you all right, you look a bit flushed.'

‘I'm all right, Louie.'

‘How do you feel? I hope it's not that ‘flu that's going round. Have you got a temperature?'

‘Of course not. I feel fine.'

‘I was going to ask you, have you had a card from Aleph, lately I mean?'

‘Not lately, no.'

‘I haven't heard for several days. Did she tell you when they were coming back?'

‘I can't remember her saying anything definite.'

‘I keep thinking they may have had a car crash. Rosemary drives so fast.'

‘Of course they haven't had a car crash.'

‘I tried to ring Connie yesterday but there was no reply.'

‘I expect they're in Yorkshire.'

‘I can't find our telephone number book, and they're ex-directory. Where is that book, can Aleph have taken it away with her? Can you remember the Yorkshire number?'