The Guide to Getting It On (9 page)

These items aside, the most important thing for a woman to know about a penis is how it figures into a man’s concept of his own manliness. Ridiculous, but important.

Weirdness in the Locker Room

You might think that a man’s primary concern about penis size has to do with what a sexual partner likes. But how he stacks up among his buds is just as important, if not more. When we asked men if they feel comfortable about being naked in the locker room, the majority answered the question as if we’d asked about penis size, even if the words “penis” and “size” were never part of the question. These are the exact answers men gave when asked:

How do you feel about being naked in the locker room?

“I used to feel uncomfortable back in my freshman year of high school. Then I realized that I was really a little bigger than average.”
male age 21

“I used to think that my penis was really small, and so I was shy about it. As it turns out, I’m on the high end of average when erect: I’m just not a hanger.”
male age 32

“I have an inferiority complex about the size of my penis. I don’t care how many studies tell me that I am right in the middle of the curve, I will always feel small.”
male age 25

“I was raised in a fairly strict and religious environment, so nudity of any kind was a no-no. My equipment is pretty small, and I was a late bloomer. All this adds up to being very shy about my own appearance. In junior high and high school, when ‘naked locker time’ was mandatory, I would arrive as early as possible and change quickly so that others wouldn’t see me. If others were around me without clothes on, I gave myself tunnel vision or imaginary blinders so I wouldn’t see other guys’ equipment. I didn’t want to be perceived as gay, and glancing around was a good way to get yourself taunted at least, beat up at worst.”
male age 41 (And this guy was straight!)

The men who said they were comfortable in the locker room often made reference to their penis size as well, indicating they were well hung. You can almost predict how a man feels about being naked in the locker room by asking how he feels about the size of his penis. Hopefully, the following from a Marine who has been in combat helps provide perspective:

“The tradition of group showers is still strong in the Marine Corps. It makes us more comfortable with each other, and if you are trusting a guy to save your life, do you really think penis size is that big a deal? Before the military though, I worried I didn’t ‘measure up.’”
male age 27

As for guys checking out other guys, you would think this curiosity would decrease as they get to be adults. Not so, according to a study by a group of Ph.D. students. These students hung out in rest rooms at a San Diego Padres game and secretly studied a hundred different men who were peeing. They claim that many of the men made an attempt to check out the equipment of whomever was peeing next to them. Furthermore, men who were well-
endowed went out of their way to show their bigger units to the other men who were peeing. Of course these tendencies might be more true of Padres fans than, say, Houston Astros fans, who are usually too busy weeping in the men’s room to check out the size of the other boys’ bats. So if you are a man who has ever glanced down at another man’s penis when you are peeing, take comfort in knowing that you are probably normal.

Size, Shape, Plumbing & The Goofy Dick Game

Ads like those below have flooded the backs of newspapers and magazines since the 1800s. We now have TV infomercials and e-mails promoting products for “natural male enhancement.” The products don’t work—they never have—but the scams still do.

Penis Shape.
From the following drawings of real-life erections, you can see that terms like “6 inches” or “normal” are somewhat meaningless. All of these erect penises are normal, yet very different from each other. One even points down.

Penis Size.
The
Journal of Sexual Medicine
recently published a review of eight studies that have been done on penis size. These are studies that have measured the penises of thousands of men. The results from most of the studies were remarkably similar. Measuring from the pubic bone to the tip of the penis head, the average limp penis is about 3.5 inches and the average erect penis is about 5 inches, give or take an inch. (In the most recent study of 2,276 men from Turkey, the average erect penis was 5.5 inches.) The average circumference when erect is about 4.5 inches. When guys measure their own penises, they end up being almost an inch longer than when researchers do it.

Manliness — What Is It?

In our culture, being manly means you don’t act gay. It also means if you have girly parts to your character, you keep them well hidden. But this is defining masculinity by saying what it isn’t.

What is being masculine? Is it a physical way of being? Is it a state of mind? Is it having the right politics? Is it what your dick gets hard over? Can you still be manly if you sound like a prissy snap-queen? This Guide’s definition of masculinity keeps evolving. Here it is in its current state:

Masculinity is mostly an invention of modern culture. It doesn’t have a huge foundation in science or nature, yet it remains a powerful force in the way we view ourselves and each other.

To be manly or masculine in American culture, a guy should be a fairly responsible person who can be independent when the occasion demands. As often as not, he should be caring, comforting, and kind. He should be able to give and receive physical and emotional tenderness without being too controlling. He should have values and a good work ethic, and he shouldn’t need to prove his masculinity by trying to scare or intimidate others.

He doesn’t need to have a pussy-seeking sensor at the end of his penis, and his physical appearance can range from Bill Gates geek to movie-star perfect. Showering should be a priority.

There are plenty of males who have none of these qualities, but appear to be total studs nonetheless. These are guys who usually take their penises way too seriously. That is because the only way they can convince themselves that they are real men is by performing manly activities or drinking lots of beer or doing drugs, and then having a vagina nearby that they can stick themselves into. They tend to be more show than substance.

Penis As Camouflage: Why It’s Difficult to Be Satisfied By a Guy Who Takes His Penis Too Seriously

A hard penis is sometimes used to camouflage what’s missing inside a man, as well as what’s missing in a relationship between a man and a woman. If a guy is all hung up about his penis being a symbol of his manliness or demands that it have a disproportionate amount of attention, then it gets in the way of his being at one with a lover. The same is true for a male who needs to always play a manly role. He sometimes feels more warmth for his car or computer than for his partner.

Unfortunately, a lot of women grew up thinking that a distant, self-involved, dick-centered type of guy is what manhood is all about. As a result, they end up being attracted to males with whom they can never really get close, and spend the rest of their lives bellyaching about what duds men are.

Narcisso ’Gasms

Biologically, most women can have a couple of orgasms to the average man’s one. This is fine with most men, since most of us would like to see our partners have as much pleasure as their hearts and loins desire. But for a man who takes his penis too seriously, orgasm giving can become too important. A partner’s orgasms become reassurance that he is a total guy. We all do this to some extent, but for some it’s a matter of narcissistic life and death.

If your man is like this, you may discover that your main function in life is to look good and have lots of loud orgasms. Or maybe it’s just to look good. Consider yourself an offering to the great Dick God.

The Penile-Pumping Regatta

Some men lose emotional connection once intercourse begins. The woman starts to feel like she’s become a masturbation machine. Sex becomes a pumping regatta in order to prove dick-worthiness. This can be really boring for both partners.

To give you an idea of how much insecurity is involved in all this, consider the words of a 29-year-old man who is starting to question why he takes his penis so seriously:

“It’s like, I attack sex. I’m afraid of slowing it down. If I’m gonna be fucking, I’ll fuck like crazy, gotta have a huge dick and fuck like crazy to avoid dealing with whatever’s making me anxious. Women have always said to me, ‘God, you can’t get enough.’ But I think the reason I can’t get enough is that if I slow down, the fears start to crowd in on me. Does this woman really want to be with me? Is she going to leave? Is my cock good enough? It’s hard for me not to use sex as a seal of approval.” —From Harry Maurer’s
Sex: An Oral History,
Viking Press.