The Happiness Trap (8 page)

That’s the bad news.

The good news is, you
can
make dramatic improvements. You
can
learn to get hooked much less often. You
can
learn to recognise much faster when you have been hooked, and you
can
learn to get much better at unhooking yourself! All these abilities will help to keep you out of the happiness trap.

As for the observing self, we’ve only just begun to scratch the surface. The observing self is a very powerful ally in transforming your life and we’ll return to it many times in later chapters. Meanwhile, we now come to the final chapter on defusion, in which we learn how to deal with ... scary pictures!

Roxy trembled. Her face was pale and drawn, her eyes teary.

‘What’s the diagnosis?’ I asked her.

‘Multiple sclerosis,’ she whispered.

Roxy was a 32-year-old lawyer, dedicated to her profession. One day at work she noticed a weakness and numbness in her left leg, and within a few days she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis or MS. MS is a disease in which the nerves in the body degenerate, creating all sorts of physical problems. In the best-case scenario, you may have one fleeting episode of neurological disturbance from which you fully recover, never to be bothered again. In the worst case, the MS steadily worsens and your nervous system progressively deteriorates, until you are severely physically disabled. Doctors have no way of predicting how it will affect a patient.

Not surprisingly, this was extremely distressing news for Roxy: a frightening diagnosis, with no way of predicting the outcome. Roxy’s mind had always had a tendency to imagine the worst. This is a useful trait for lawyers, because it allows them to anticipate every possible problem in a criminal or civil case. But now this trait became a hindrance as Roxy kept imagining herself in a wheelchair, her body horribly deformed, her mouth twisted and drooling. Every time this image popped into her head, it terrified her. She tried telling herself all the usual commonsense things: ‘Don’t worry ... it will probably never happen to you’, ‘Your chances are excellent ... cross that bridge if and when you come to it’, ‘What’s the point of worrying about something that may never happen?’ Friends, family and doctors also tried to reassure her with similar advice. But did that get rid of this scary image? Not in the least.

Roxy found she could sometimes push the image out of her head, but it wouldn’t stay away for long, and when it returned it seemed to bother her even more than before. This commonly used, but ineffective, control strategy is known as ‘thought suppression’. Thought suppression means actively pushing distressing thoughts or images out of your head. For example, each time an unwanted thought or image appears, you might say to yourself, ‘No, don’t think about it!’ or ‘Stop it!’ or you might just mentally shove it away. Research shows that although this method often gets rid of distressing thoughts or images in the short term, after a while there is a rebound effect: the negative thoughts return in greater numbers and intensity than before.

Most of us have a tendency to conjure up frightening images of the future. How often have you ‘seen yourself’ failing, being rejected, making a fool of yourself, losing your job, getting sick, growing old and weak or getting into trouble of some kind? In a state of cognitive fusion, these mental pictures seem incredibly real, as if what we’re imagining were actually taking place, here and now. Naturally, this can create a lot of fear. To paraphrase Mark Twain, we live through many frightening experiences in our lifetime, and most of them never happen.

Unpleasant or unnerving images will pop up again and again whenever we are faced with challenges in life, and we can waste a lot of precious time dwelling on them or trying to get rid of them. Moreover, if we completely fuse with these images, they may seem so frightening that they scare us away from doing the things we value. For example, many people avoid air travel because their minds conjure up images of the plane crashing. In cognitive fusion, we:

In cognitive
defusion
we:

The defusion techniques we use with images are very similar to the ones we use with thoughts. Initially, we need to focus on these images in order to practise defusing them. But the ultimate aim is to be able to let these images come and go without giving them much attention at all. (It’s like having the television on in the background, without really watching it.)

Defusion techniques help us to see these images for what they are: nothing more than colourful pictures. Once we recognise this, we can let them be there without fighting them, without judging them and without trying to avoid them. In other words, we can accept them. Acceptance means we no longer have to fear them. Acceptance means we no longer waste our precious energy on struggling with them. And ultimately, acceptance means we can focus on something more constructive.

Before trying out the following techniques, it’s important to say a few words about painful memories. We store memories with all five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. The techniques that follow are often helpful with visual memories, that is, memories which have been stored primarily as images. In cognitive fusion, we:

In cognitive
defusion
we:

However when working with memories, you need to be careful. While the techniques in this chapter are helpful for coming to terms with many unpleasant memories, such as times you have failed, screwed up, been rejected, humiliated or embarrassed, they may not be appropriate for more traumatic memories. If you are deeply distressed by traumatic memories of rape, torture, child abuse, domestic violence or other serious incidents, I don’t recommend you use these methods by yourself. Instead, you should learn how to defuse such memories with an appropriately trained therapist.

No technique known to humanity is 100 per cent reliable and defusion techniques are no exception. If you find that a particular technique doesn’t work, just notice what it’s like to be fused and move on to a different one. For each technique first read through the instructions, then bring to mind a troublesome image that tends to recur. If it’s a moving image, condense it into a ten-second ‘video clip’. Next put the book down and try the technique. If any technique seems inappropriate, don’t do it.

Bring an unpleasant image to mind and notice how it’s affecting you. Now imagine there’s a small television screen across the room from you. Place your image on the television screen. Play around with the image: flip it upside down; turn it on its side; spin it around and around; stre-e-e-etch it sideways. If it’s a moving ‘video clip’, play it in slow motion. Then play it backwards in slow motion. Then play it forwards at double speed; then reverse it at double speed. Turn the colour down, so it’s all in black-and-white. Turn the colour and brightness up until it’s ridiculously lurid (so the people have bright orange skin and the clouds are hot pink). The idea is not to get rid of this image but to see it for what it is: a harmless picture. You may need to do this for anything from ten seconds to two minutes, until you really defuse it. If at the end of two minutes it’s still bothering you, then try the next technique.

Keeping that image on the television screen, add a humorous subtitle or voice-over to it, such as ‘The Ultimate Disaster! premieres on Channel 4, Friday, 7.30pm’ or ‘Now showing at a movie theatre near you:
I Got Rejected By My Lover!
’ If this image is linked to a story that you’ve already named, then use that name on the subtitle or voice-over. For example, an image of you failing might be subtitled: ‘The “Failure” Story’. If it’s still bothering you at the end of another 30 seconds, try the next technique.

Keeping that image on the television screen, add a musical soundtrack of your choice. Experiment with a few different soundtracks: jazz, hip-hop, classical, rock or your favourite movie themes. If the image is still bothering you, try the next technique.

Visualise this image in a variety of different locations. Stay with each scenario for twenty seconds before shifting to a new one. Visualise your image on the T-shirt of a jogger or a rock star. Visualise it painted on a canvas, or on a banner, flying behind an aeroplane. Visualise it as a bumper sticker, as a magazine photo, or as a tattoo on someone’s back. Visualise it as a ‘pop-up’ on a computer screen or as a poster in a teenager’s bedroom. Visualise it as the image on a postage stamp or as a drawing in a comic book. Use your imagination with this; the sky’s the limit.

If you’re still fused with the image after all this—that is, if it’s still upsetting you, frightening you or taking up all your attention whenever it appears—then I would suggest you practise running through some or all of the above exercises every single day for at least five minutes. This is what I asked Roxy to do, and within a week that image of herself in a wheelchair was no longer bothering her. It still appeared from time to time, but it no longer frightened her, and she was able to let it come and go while she stayed focused on more important things. Paradoxically, the less she tried to push this image away, the less often it appeared. This was not the intention, but it’s something that often happens as a positive side effect. It makes sense when you think about the rebound effect, which so often occurs when you try to push thoughts and images away.

For less troublesome images, you can easily adapt other defusion techniques. Instead of ‘I’m having the thought that...’ you can acknowledge, ‘I’m having the image of...’. For example, ‘I’m having the image of screwing up the interview.’ If the image is a memory, you could try, ‘I’m having the memory of...’ You could even think, ‘My mind’s showing me a picture of...’

Instead of Naming the Story, you can Name the Picture. For example, ‘Aha! The “lonely and miserable” picture!’ You can even Name the Memory—‘Aha! The “nasty rejection” memory!’ And you can always say, ‘Thanks, Mind!’ for whatever picture it sends you. And here’s one final technique for troublesome images:

This is most useful with moving images. First convert the image into a short ‘video clip’, then visualise it on a television screen. Now try playing that ‘clip’ in different film genres. For example, imagine it as a gangster movie, a Western, a trashy soap opera, a sci-fi thriller, a Disney cartoon or a musical. Each time you switch genres, change the clothes, sets and acting styles, but don’t try to alter what actually happens. Keep the basic story exactly the same. Play it over and over in different genres until you can truly see that this is just a moving picture and nothing more.

Remember, defusion is all about acceptance. The idea is not to get rid of these images but to let go of struggling with them.
Why
should you accept them? Because the reality is, for the rest of your life, in one form or another, scary pictures will appear. Remember, your mind evolved from a ‘don’t get killed’ device. It saved your ancestors’ hides by sending them warnings: an image of a bear sleeping in the back of that cave, or of a hungry sabre-toothed tiger crouched on that rock. So after a hundred thousand years of evolution, your mind is not suddenly going to say, ‘Oh, hang on a minute. All the wolves and bears have disappeared now—I don’t need to keep sending out these warnings anymore.’ Sorry, but minds don’t work like that.

Again, don’t believe this just because I say so—check your own experience. Despite everything you’ve tried over the years, isn’t it a fact that your mind still produces unpleasant pictures? So we need to learn how to live with these things—to pay them attention if they’re helpful, or let them come and go if they’re not.

And once again, I have to prepare you. When you practise these techniques your unpleasant images will often disappear, or at least reduce in frequency, and you will often feel much better. But remember, these outcomes are merely beneficial byproducts, not the main aim. If you start defusing thoughts or images with the aim of
getting rid
of them, then you’re not truly accepting them. Rather, you’re trying to use an acceptance strategy as a control strategy—and ultimately, that will backfire. So use the techniques in the way they were intended, and for the right reasons, and they’ll help keep you free of the happiness trap.

Imagine you’re steering a ship far out at sea. Below the deck, out of sight, lies a vast horde of demons, all with enormous claws and razor-sharp teeth. These demons have many different forms. Some of them are emotions such as guilt, anger, fear or hopelessness. Some are memories of times you’ve failed, screwed up or been hurt. Others are thoughts like, ‘It’s too hard’, ‘I’ll make a fool of myself’ or ‘I’ll fail.’ Some of them are mental images in which you see yourself performing badly or getting rejected; others are strong urges to drink too much, smoke, harm yourself or overeat. And still others are unpleasant sensations such as tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach.

Now, as long as you keep that ship drifting out at sea, the demons will stay below. But as soon as you start steering toward land, they clamber up from below deck, flapping their membranous wings, baring their fangs and generally threatening to tear you into little pieces. Not surprisingly, you don’t like that very much, so you cut a deal: ‘If you demons stay out of sight, down below, I’ll keep the ship drifting out at sea.’ The demons agree and everything seems okay—for a while.

The problem is, eventually you get fed up of being at sea. You get bored and lonely, miserable, resentful and anxious. You see plenty of other ships heading into shore, but not yours. ‘What sort of life is this?’ you think. ‘That land over there—that’s where I want to be heading.’ But the demons down below aren’t particularly interested in what you want. They want to stay out at sea and that’s final! So the moment you start heading for land, they swarm up onto the deck and start threatening you again.

The interesting thing is, although these demons threaten you, they never actually cause you any physical harm. Why not? Because they can’t! All they can do is growl and wave their claws and look terrifying—physically they can’t even
touch
you. And once you realise this, you’re free. It means you can take your ship wherever you want—as long as you’re willing to accept the demons’ presence. All you have to do to reach land is accept that the demons are above deck, accept that they’re doing their level best to scare you, and keep steering the ship toward shore. The demons may howl and protest, but they’re powerless, because their power relies totally on your belief in their threats.

But if you’re not willing to accept these demons, if you’ve got to keep them below deck at all costs, then your only option is to stay adrift, at sea. Of course, you can try to throw the demons overboard, but while you’re busy doing that no one is steering the ship, so you run the risk of crashing into rocks or capsizing. Besides that, it’s a struggle you could never win, because there’s an infinite number of those demons in the hold.

‘But that’s horrible!’ you may well protest. ‘I don’t want to live surrounded by demons!’ Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you already are. And those demons will keep showing up, again and again, as soon as you start to take your life in a valued direction. Why so? Again, it all stems back to evolution. Remember, the mind of our ancestors had one overriding imperative: ‘Don’t get killed!’ And an important factor in not getting yourself killed is to get to know your environment. The better you know the terrain and the local wildlife then, obviously, the safer you are; whereas venturing into unknown territory exposes you to all sorts of exotic dangers. So if one of our ancestors decided to explore a new area, his mind would go into a state of red alert. ‘Look out!’ ‘Be careful!’ ‘Could be a crocodile in that pond or a leopard in the bushes!’ And thanks to evolution, our modern minds do the same, only far more extensively.

Thus, as soon as we start to do something new, our mind will start warning us: ‘You might fail’, ‘You might make a mistake’, ‘You might get rejected.’ It warns us with negative thoughts, with disturbing images or bad memories, and with uncomfortable feelings and sensations. And all too often we let these warnings stop us from taking our lives in the direction we really want. Rather than sail for shore, we drift at sea. Some people call this ‘staying in your comfort zone’, but that’s not a good name for it because the comfort zone is definitely not comfortable. It should be called the ‘misery zone’ or the ‘missing-out-on-life zone’.

In later chapters, when we start focusing on your values and on taking action to change your life for the better, these demons are going to challenge you. Depending on the nature of your current problems, you may choose to pursue a new career, start a new relationship, make some new friends, improve your physical fitness, or engage in some challenging project like writing a novel, taking a course or enrolling in higher education—and what I guarantee you is this: whatever meaningful changes you start to make in your life, those demons will rear their ugly heads and try to discourage you.

That’s the bad news.

Now here’s the good news: if you keep steering your ship toward shore (no matter how much the demons threaten you), many of them will realise they’re having no effect and will give up and leave you alone. As for the ones that remain, after a while you’ll get used to them. And if you take a good, long look at them, you’ll realise they’re not nearly as scary as they first appeared. You’ll realise they’ve been using special effects to make themselves look a lot bigger than they really are. Sure, they’ll still look ugly—they won’t turn into cute, fluffy bunny rabbits—but you’ll find them much less frightening. And more importantly, you’ll find that you can let them hang around without being bothered by them. Furthermore, if you keep sailing towards that shore, you won’t just have demons for company; you’ll soon encounter angels and mermaids and dolphins.

So one of my main aims in this book is to help you see through the special effects of your demons: to see them as they really are, so that they no longer intimidate you and no longer dictate where you steer your ship. We’ve already started to do this with thoughts and images, and next we’re going to do it with emotions. But before moving on, take a few moments to think about the changes you’d like to make in your life. Ask yourself:

Please take at least ten minutes to think about these questions. Better yet, write down your answers for future reference.

When you contemplate these four questions, what trouble some thoughts and images come to mind? Do you visualise yourself getting hurt in some way? Does your thinking self tell you, ‘It’s hopeless’ or ‘It’s too hard’ or that you can’t make these changes because you are too weak/inadequate/depressed/anxious/stupid/unlovable?

Write a list of these troublesome thoughts and images, and once you’ve done it, set aside five minutes a day to practise defusing them. (And when your mind makes up some excuse for not practising, please remember to thank it!) As I’ve said several times before, practice is the key to success. The more you can see these thoughts for what they are—nothing more than words and pictures—the less influence they will have over your life.

Defusion is a big topic, and we’ll be coming back to it at later stages. For now we will focus on painful emotions (which most people find the scariest demons of all). In the next chapter we’ll look at emotions from a scientific perspective, discover how they are created, and explode a few myths about them. And after that you’ll learn how to fundamentally transform the way you handle them.