The Happiness Trap (20 page)

Our lives revolve around relationships—with ourselves, others and everything we encounter in the world around us. The more you act in line with your values, the better will be the quality of those relationships and therefore the more enjoyable and rewarding your life will be.

In the next few chapters we’re going to look at how you can use your values to set purposeful goals, create meaning and find fulfilment. In the meantime, reflect further on this chapter. Discuss your values with friends or loved ones. Write about those values in more detail. And look for opportunities to act on them in daily life.

The demons are getting restless. They know what you’re up to: you’re plotting a new course, planning to steer that boat toward land. Naturally, they want to stop you. As you worked through those exercises in the last chapter, a number of different demons may have challenged you. Here are a few of the more common ones.

This is a very sneaky demon. It seeks to undermine your confidence by having you doubt your answers. The way to deal with it is to answer these questions:

The questions above are to help you clarify what you really want, so that you are living by your own values and not someone else’s. The next three questions ask you to think about your death, as a way of clarifying what’s important in life:

If you’re not sure what you want, ask yourself this: If I could have any values I wanted, which ones would I choose?

Whatever values you would choose, those already are your values! Why? Because the fact that you would choose them shows you already value them!

If you’ve experienced a lot of failure, frustration or disappointment in your life, then you may be afraid to acknowledge what you really want, for fear it will only lead to more of the same. If so, remind yourself that the past is the past—it’s over and can’t be changed. But no matter what has happened in the past, you can make changes right now that will allow you to create a new future. So do the exercises, and if uncomfortable feelings arise, breathe into them, make room for them and keep focused on the questions.

This sneaky critter is usually accompanied by several of its buddies, such as: ‘I’ll only fail if I try’, or ‘I don’t deserve anything better in life’, or ‘I can’t change.’ Remember, these are nothing more than ‘pop-up’ thoughts. So thank your mind, let them come and go and refocus on answering the questions.

You know this creature far too well to believe what it says. You know that ‘later’ never gets here. So thank your mind and answer the questions now.

So your mind’s making the judgement that your values are corny or clichéd. Fine. Let your mind make whatever judgements it wants. Clarifying what you want in your heart is one of the most important and profound things you will ever do in your life. So thank your mind for its comments and carry on.

This demon is making a valid point: sometimes your values will pull you in different directions. But don’t let that stop you from acting on them. All it means is that sometimes you’ll need to compromise—to focus more on one value than another. For example, a few years ago my older brother was working in a high-powered job that required him to spend a lot of time travelling away from home.

There was a major conflict of values here. On the one hand he valued being a loving father, and he wanted to spend as much time with his young son as possible. On the other hand, he valued his work and, of course, the financial benefits it gave to his family.

These conflicting values are common for many parents and there’s rarely a perfect solution. The important thing is to find the best balance that you can. For instance, when my brother was away on overseas trips, he rang home every night without fail, to read his son a bedtime story over the phone. Sure, it wasn’t the same as being there in person, but it was nonetheless a very loving act that fostered a deep sense of caring and connection.

The reality is, there will be times that you have to prioritise your values; to focus more on some domains of life than others. This calls for soul-searching; for asking yourself, ‘What’s most important at this moment in my life, given all my conflicting concerns?’ Then choose to act on that value, rather than wasting your time uselessly worrying about what you might be giving up or missing out on.

There are many other demons that will try to deter you—but you already know that they’re only a bunch of words. So let them be and focus your attention where it’s most useful: on plotting the course, steering the ship onwards and thoroughly appreciating the voyage. Therefore, if you didn’t complete the exercises in the last chapter, then go back and do them now. And if you have completed them, it’s time to move on.

So you’ve identified your values and now you know what really matters to you, deep inside. Now what?

Well, now it’s time to take action. A rich, full and meaningful life doesn’t spontaneously happen just because you’ve identified your values. It happens through taking action, guided by those values. So take a few moments to reflect once more on what’s important to you. As you read down the list below, mentally remind yourself of your values in each domain:

Now ask yourself: ‘In which of these domains am I most out of touch with my values?’ If several (or all) domains come to mind, consider, ‘Which domain is the most important to start working on right now?’

It’s important to start with only one domain at a time, because if you try to make too many changes at once, you’ll probably just feel overwhelmed and quit. (Naturally, over time, the idea is to work on all the important areas of your life. However, frequently as you start making changes in one domain, it spills over into others: a sort of domino effect.) So once you’ve identified which domain to begin with, it’s time to start setting meaningful goals.

Sorry to be a nag, but once again, I have to stress the importance of writing down your answers to these exercises. Research shows that you’re far likelier to take action if you write your goals down than if you just think about them. So please, for the sake of a better, more fulfilling, values-driven life, put down this book and go get a pen and paper!

There are five steps in setting meaningful goals.

Write a brief description of the domain and the values you’re going to work on. For example, ‘In the domain of family, I value being open, honest, loving and supportive.’

Ask yourself: ‘What’s the smallest, easiest thing I can do today that is consistent with this value?’ It’s always good to boost your confidence by starting with a small, easy goal—one that can be accomplished straightaway. For example, if your value is to be a loving partner, your goal may be, ‘During my lunchbreak, I’ll ring up my wife and tell her I love her.’

When setting goals it’s important to be specific about what you will do. For instance, ‘I’ll go swimming for 30 minutes, twice a week’, as opposed to making vague statements like ‘I’ll do more exercise.’ Also, specify when and where you’ll do it, for example, ‘I’ll go for a run in the park right after work on Wednesday.’

Starting with small, easy goals will help you defeat the ‘It’s all too hard’ demon, which is guaranteed to raise its ugly head right about now. And it’s always useful to remind yourself of this ancient Chinese proverb by the great philosopher Lao-Tse: ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.’

Ask yourself: ‘What small things can I do over the next few days and weeks that are consistent with this value?’ Remember: be specific. What actions will you take? When and where will you do them? For example, in the domain of work, if you value helping others but your current job gives you little opportunity to do so, then one of your short-term goals might read, ‘Each night this week, between nine and ten, I will do some research on the Internet into finding a more meaningful job’, or ‘Tomorrow morning I will make an appointment with a careers counsellor.’

Ask yourself: ‘What larger challenges can I set for the next few weeks and months that will take me in my valued direction?’ Again, be specific. For example, if your value is about getting fitter, a medium-range goal might be, ‘I will quit smoking by the end of this month’, ‘Five nights a week I will cook dinner using recipes from the Weight Watchers cookbook’, ‘I will go for a 30-minute walk every morning’, or ‘I will lose 10 kilograms within the next three months.’

Ask yourself: ‘What major challenges can I set for the next few years, which will take me in my valued direction?’ This is where you dare to think big. What would you like to achieve in the next few years? Where would you like to be five years from now? Long-term goals may include anything from changing careers and having kids to sailing around the world. Allow yourself to dream.

Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you. For example, to stop eating chocolate—that’s something a dead person can do better than you because, no matter what, they’ll definitely never, ever eat chocolate again. Or to stop feeling depressed—that’s something a dead person can do better than you, because they’ll never feel depressed ever again. Any goal that is about
not
doing something or
stopping
doing something is a dead person’s goal. To convert it to a live person’s goal (i.e. something that a live person can do better than a dead one) you need to ask yourself: ‘If I was no longer doing this activity (or feeling this way or thinking like this), what would I be doing with my time? How would I be acting differently?’ For example, suppose you answered, ‘If I was no longer smoking, I’d be going for a walk after lunch, breathing in the fresh air, instead of puffing on a cigarette.’ Okay, so make that your goal: after lunch, instead of having a cigarette, get up and go for a walk and breathe in the fresh air. That is definitely something you can do better than a dead person. Or suppose you answered, ‘If I stopped feeling so anxious, I’d spend more time socialising with friends.’ Great! Now you can set a live person’s goal: to socialise more with your friends. A dead person always feels less anxiety than a live one—but a dead person can’t socialise!

In much of this book we’ve looked at the dark side of cognitive fusion: the problems that happen when we fuse with unhelpful thoughts or images. But we can also use cognitive fusion for good. In the world of elite sports, top athletes use a technique called ‘visualisation’ as a way of enhancing their performance. They vividly imagine themselves performing at their peak—alert, focused, using their skills to the very best of their ability—and this process of mental rehearsal actually improves their performance in reality.

Now it’s time for you to do the same thing. Once you’ve set a goal, close your eyes and spend a few moments vividly imagining yourself taking effective action. Imagine this in any way that comes naturally. Some people can easily conjure up vivid mental pictures, but others imagine more with words, sounds or feelings. However you imagine this scenario is the right way for you. See yourself, feel yourself and hear yourself taking effective action to achieve your goal. Notice what you’re saying and what you’re doing. Keep rehearsing, until it’s clear to you what your actions are. (And if your mind starts trying to disrupt this process with stories like ‘I can’t do it’, ‘It’s too hard’ or ‘Who am I trying to kid?’ then simply say, ‘Thanks, Mind!’ and come back to the exercise.)

Most books on visualisation or mental rehearsal will encourage you to imagine yourself feeling relaxed and confident as you take action. I strongly advise against this because those are feelings over which you have very little control—and if your goal is particularly challenging, it’s very unlikely that you will feel relaxed and confident. You’re far more likely to have feelings of anxiety and self-doubt. So I suggest that in your mental rehearsals, you focus on what is directly in your control: your actions. Imagine yourself taking action to the very best of your ability, saying and doing the things that are most likely to be effective. And also imagine yourself making room for whatever thoughts and feelings show up in the moment and continuing to take effective action, no matter how you feel!

It’s helpful to practise this exercise again and again, whenever you set yourself challenging new goals. Of course, it won’t guarantee that you’ll achieve your goals, but it’ll make it more likely. So put the book down now, close your eyes and spend a few minutes imagining yourself taking effective action.

Remember Soula? She had just turned 33 and was feeling sad and lonely because she was still single while all her friends were in long-term relationships. In the domain of intimate relationships, Soula valued being loving, caring, open, sensual and fun-loving. But because she didn’t currently have a partner, her major long-term goal was to find one. Therefore, her short-term goals included research into dating agencies and social clubs, and asking her friends to fix her up with blind dates. More challenging, medium-term goals included
actually joining
a dating agency and
actually going out
on some blind dates.

Once Donna had come to terms with the death of her husband and child and had given up drinking alcohol, she was faced with rebuilding her life, piece by piece. She had lost a lot of weight and her body was in terrible condition, so she began by focusing on the domain of physical health. Small, easy short-term goals included buying a healthy sandwich at lunchtime, going to bed at a reasonable hour and taking a hot bath at night to unwind. More challenging medium-range goals included signing up for a yoga class and hiking in the countryside on weekends.

Once Michelle had identified that she wished to spend more quality time with her family, she started saying no to extra work and made sure she left the office at a reasonable hour. Her values were to be a loving, caring mother, to be present and connected with her children, and to spend more quality time with them, engaging in shared activities rather than simply waiting on them hand and foot. Small goals included listening intently to her kids when they talked to her (instead of being caught up in her own thoughts) and putting aside an hour two nights a week to play a family game, such as Scrabble or Monopoly. Larger, mid-range goals included organising a family picnic or outing most weekends. A long-term goal was to take the children on a camping trip to Spain.

Once you’ve identified your goals, you need to break them down into an action plan. Ask yourself:

For example, if you value exercising and your goal is to go to the gym three times a week, your action plan may include (a) joining the gym, (b) getting your gym wear together, (c) planning the times you will go, and (d) rearranging your schedule to accommodate this activity. The resources you may need are (a) money to join the gym, (b) your gym gear (sneakers, shorts, T-shirt, towel and a bag to carry it in). Next, specify when you will actually do this. For example, ‘I’ll pack my bag tonight. Then I’ll join the gym tomorrow after work and I’ll start my first session then and there.’

If you find you’re lacking the necessary resources to achieve your goal, you have two options:

Sometimes the resource you need is actually a skill. For example, if your goal is to do with improving relationships, you may need to learn some communication or assertiveness skills. If your goal is around improving your finances, you may need to learn some investment skills. If this is the case, make a plan as to how you will learn this skill; that is, what books can you read or courses can you take?

Now, take a pen and paper (or a laptop) and do these exercises. Even if you don’t have time to complete it right now, at least get your feet wet, even for five or ten minutes. It’s amazing, once you get started, how much can happen in a short time. Write down:

This may seem like a lot of hard work right now, but the more you practise thinking this way—moving from values to goals to specific actions—the more it will start to come naturally, without the need for all this planning.

Values? Goals? Action plans? Does this all sound just a little too contrived—too orderly, too detailed, too structured? What happened to good old spontaneity; to taking life as it comes?

Well, unfortunately, these things are the nuts and bolts that give our lives structure and function. There’s plenty of room for spontaneity once your boat is sailing in the right direction, but first you’ve got to choose where you’re heading, then use a map and compass to plot your course. And, of course, you mustn’t forget to appreciate the voyage.

Change happens in an instant. The moment you steer that ship toward shore, you are successfully creating a meaningful life. Your mind will try to tell you that the most important thing is to reach the shore, but that’s not really the case. The most important thing is
sailing toward shore.
When you’re drifting aimlessly at sea, you feel half-dead. But when you’re heading for shore, you feel alive. As renowned author and educator Helen Keller put it: ‘Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.’

Of course, that shore you’re heading for may be a long way off and it may take weeks or months or even years to get there. And sometimes when you get there, you may not even like it. So it’s sensible to make the most out of the voyage. Look around, take it in and notice what you can see, hear, smell, touch and taste. When we move in a valued direction, every moment of our journey becomes meaningful. So engage fully in everything you do along the way. Practise your mindfulness skills: be open to and interested in your experience. That way, you’ll find it stimulating, satisfying and invigorating, even during those times when the going gets tough.