The Happiness Trap (24 page)

Again and again throughout this book I’ve emphasised the importance of writing: to clarify your thoughts; to aid conscious memory; to enhance motivation. When you set your values and goals down in black and white you’re far likelier to follow through on them. So I recommend that you write out an action plan, using the format below, to help you achieve any goal that you’re currently procrastinating on.

My goal is to

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

The values underlying my goal are

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

The thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

I’m willing to have in order to achieve this goal are

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

It would be useful to remind myself that I can break this goal down into smaller steps, such as

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

The smallest, easiest step

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

I can begin with is

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

The time, day and date that I will take that first step, is

[space left intentionally blank in the original book]

As you can see, willingness is tremendously important. But by itself it’s not enough for a meaningful life. There’s one final piece to this puzzle, a piece that completes the whole picture. So read on...

No matter how well you learn to walk, sooner or later you will stumble. Sometimes you’ll catch yourself in time and sometimes you’ll fall over. Sometimes you may even hurt yourself. The fact is, from the day you took your very first step, you have fallen down many hundreds of times—and yet at no point did you ever give up walking! You always picked yourself up, learned from the experience and carried on. It is this sort of attitude that we are referring to when we use the word ‘commitment’ in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. You can accept your internal experience, be psychologically present and connect with your values all you like, but without the commitment to take effective action, you won’t create a rich and meaningful life. This, then, is the final piece of the puzzle—the piece that completes the whole picture.

‘Commitment’, like ‘acceptance’, is a frequently misunderstood term. Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through or never going astray. ‘Commitment’ means that when you do (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings and carry on in the direction you want to go.

This is well exemplified in the legend of the great Scottish hero Robert the Bruce. It’s a true story that happened 700 years ago, in a period of history when the king of England ruled over Scotland. The English king was violent and cruel and he brutally oppressed the Scots for many years. But in the year 1306, Robert the Bruce was crowned king of Scotland, and he made it his number one priority to liberate his country. Soon after he took the throne, he raised an army and led it into war against the English, on the blood-soaked battlefield of Strath-Fillan. Unfortunately, the English army had greater numbers and superior weapons, and the Scots were brutally defeated.

Robert the Bruce escaped and went into hiding in a cave. Cold, wet, exhausted and bleeding from his wounds, he felt utterly hopeless. So great was his shame, so crushing his despair, he thought about leaving the country and never returning.

But as he lay there, he looked up and noticed a spider, which was trying to spin a web across a gap in the wall of the cave. This was no easy task. The spider would spin a strand and string it from one side of the gap to the other. Then it would spin another and another, weaving back and forth to build the web. Yet every few minutes a strong gust of wind would blow through the gap, breaking the web and sending the spider tumbling.

But the spider didn’t give up. The moment the wind died down, it would crawl back up to the edge of the gap and start spinning again from scratch.

Again and again the wind blew the web apart, and again and again the spider started rebuilding. Eventually, the wind died down long enough for the spider to spin a truly firm foundation, so that the next time the wind kicked up, the web was strong enough to withstand it, and the spider was finally able to finish the job.

Robert the Bruce was amazed by this spider’s persistence. He thought, ‘If that tiny creature can persist despite all those setbacks, then so can I!’ The spider became his personal symbol of inspiration and he coined the famous motto: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.’ After his wounds had healed he raised another army and continued to battle against the English for the next eight years, finally defeating them in 1314 at the Battle of Bannockburn—a battle in which his own men were outnumbered ten to one!

Of course, Robert the Bruce didn’t know he would succeed at his goal. He only knew that freedom was everything to him. And as long as he pursued that freedom, he was living a life he valued. (And he was therefore
willing
to endure all the hardship that went with it.) Such is the nature of commitment: you can never know in advance whether you will achieve your goals; all you can do is keep moving forward in a valued direction. The future is not in your control. What is in your control is your ability to continue your journey, step by step, learning and growing as you progress—and getting back on track whenever you wander. In the words of the great leader, Sir Winston Churchill: ‘Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.’

As we have seen, one of the sneakiest demons on that boat of yours is the one known as ‘You must not make mistakes’. This demon has a variety of other guises such as: ‘If you’re going to do this, you’d better do it brilliantly’, and ‘If you can’t do it well, there’s no point in doing it at all.’ When you fuse with such thoughts, they will hold you back from learning new skills or facing meaningful challenges. If, however, you
defuse
them—recognise that they’re only words (or pictures)—then they no longer can get in your way. They’re just mind stuff.

When we make a commitment, it doesn’t mean we won’t ever screw up. Obviously, we try to do our best, but even then we will sometimes get it wrong. (Besides that, is there really a person on this planet who
always
does their best in
everything?
) Making mistakes is part of being human and an
essential
part of any learning process. The only way to avoid it is to do nothing, which is probably the biggest mistake of all. Commitment means we take effective action, allow ourselves the freedom to make mistakes, accept ourselves compassionately when we screw up, and carry on moving in a valued direction.

Not long ago I watched a documentary about Mel Gibson and the making of his film
The Passion of the Christ.
This controversial movie was a graphically violent portrayal of the last twelve hours of the life of Jesus Christ. When Mel tried to interest the major Hollywood studios in the project, they all turned him down. The studios believed the film was doomed to failure, not least because of Mel’s idea that the actors would speak their lines in the ancient languages of Aramaic and Latin. But despite Hollywood’s lack of enthusiasm, Mel was committed to his project—enough so that he financed the entire film out of his own pocket.

Not surprisingly, once he started filming, his anxiety knew no bounds. It was only the third film he had ever directed and all of Hollywood had predicted it would lose money. Every day he would wake up thinking he was making a terrible mistake, that he was crazy, that he didn’t know what he was doing.

But that didn’t stop him. Even though he was racked with doubt, day after day he would make his way to the film set and start directing. Throughout the day he would think he had no idea what he was doing, that the film was a disaster in the making, that he’d lose all his money, that he’d be a laughing-stock.

But he kept on making that film. Day after day he showed up on location and did his job to the best of his ability. He didn’t know what the final outcome would be—that wasn’t in his control. He couldn’t get rid of his doubts, fears and insecurities—they weren’t in his control either. So he focused on what was in his control: his ability to direct the film as well as he could. History tells the rest. Mel finished his film and despite widespread predictions of box-office failure, it was a huge success, earning over $200 million during its initial release.

The point here is
not
that your dreams will always come true if you persist—although many motivational books claim you can achieve anything you want if you just hang in there. The truth is, sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t. While there’s no doubt that persistence makes achieving your goals
likelier,
this is never guaranteed. For every film that makes a heap of money, there’s another that takes a major loss. The point is that you can feel anxious, uncertain and riddled with self-doubt—and yet, even with those feelings, you can still take action! You may not be able to control your thoughts and feelings, but you can control what you do with your hands and feet! So this is what we mean by commitment: that you keep taking action, under the guidance of your values, no matter what thoughts and feelings may arise on the way.

There’s a potential danger in telling inspirational stories: Robert the Bruce freeing Scotland from the English; Mel Gibson making a hit film against all odds. The danger is in the way we define success. Whether we’re talking of artists, doctors, athletes, businesspeople, rock stars, politicians or police officers, ‘successful people’ are typically defined in terms of the goals they’ve achieved. If we buy into this woefully limited definition, then we’re condemned to a goal-focused life: chronic frustration and wanting punctuated by fleeting moments of gratification. So I invite you now to consider a new definition:
success in life means living by your values.

Adopting this definition means you can be successful right now, whether or not you’ve achieved your major goals. Fulfilment is here, in this moment—anytime you act in line with your values. And you are free from the need for other people’s approval. You don’t need someone to tell you that you’ve ‘made it’. You don’t need someone to confirm that you’re ‘doing the right thing’.
You
know when you’re acting on your values, and that’s enough.

Soula, Donna and the other people we’ve met in this book weren’t heroes of the sort we find in movies. They didn’t accomplish awe-inspiring feats or triumph against overwhelming odds. But they were all successful in connecting with their hearts and making meaningful changes in their lives. (Of course, as I’ve said before, living by your values doesn’t mean giving up on your goals; it merely means shifting the emphasis, so life becomes about appreciating what you have now rather than always focusing on what you don’t have.)

It’s also worth mentioning that every one of the clients I’ve written about did, on many occasions, go ‘off track’. They all lost touch with their values at times, got caught up in unhelpful thoughts, struggled with painful feelings and acted out in self-defeating ways. But because they were committed, sooner or later they always got back on track again.

Take Donna, for example. It took her the best part of a year to recover completely from her alcoholism. There were plenty of times where she stayed off the drink for a few weeks, but then something would trigger another binge: the anniversary of the car crash; the anniversary of the funeral; the first Christmas Day since her husband and daughter had died. Occasions such as these brought up many painful feelings and memories for Donna, and with them came strong urges to drink. At times she ‘forgot’ all the skills she’d learned in therapy and turned to alcohol to try to escape her pain.

But as time went on, Donna got better and better at catching herself. Her first relapse came on the day of her daughter’s birthday. This triggered an entire week of heavy drinking. Her second relapse involved only three days of drinking and her third lasted for just one day.

Donna learned quickly that there’s no point in beating yourself up when you screw up or fail to follow through. Guilt trips and self-criticism don’t motivate you to make meaningful changes; they just keep you stuck, dwelling on the past, which is something you have no power over. So after each relapse, Donna came back to the basic ACT formula:

A
ccept your internal experience and be present.

C
hoose a valued direction.

T
ake action.

So what does this mean in practice? Well, the first step, once you’ve gone off track, is to recognise it consciously: to be fully present with what’s happening. At the same time, you need to accept that once this has happened, you can’t change it; there is no way you can possibly alter the past. And while it may be valuable to reflect on the past and think about what you might do differently next time around, there’s no point in dwelling on it and crucifying yourself for being imperfect. So accept that you went off track, accept that it’s in the past and is now unchangeable, and accept that you’re human and therefore imperfect.

The second step is to ask yourself: ‘What do I want to do now? Rather than dwelling on the past, what can I do in the present that’s important or meaningful?’

Then the third step is, of course, to take committed action in line with that value.

‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ is a powerful motto. But it’s still only half the story. The other half of the story is that we must pay careful attention to what we’re doing in order to assess whether it’s effective. A better motto might be: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again; and if it still isn’t working, try something different.’

But there’s a fine line to tread here, too. Whenever you face a significant challenge, the ‘It’s too hard!’ demons will be on your back. ‘You can’t do it! Give up!’ your mind will tell you. And the temptation then is to quit and try something else. Yet, often persistence is precisely what is required. In the words of Thomas Edison: ‘Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.’ This is where your connection skills come in handy. By paying full attention to what you are doing and noticing the impact it is having, you’re in the best position to answer this question: ‘In order to most effectively live by my values, do I need to persist with my behaviour or change it?’ Then, depending on your answer, commit to either changing that behaviour, or persisting with it.

As we saw in the last chapter, Soula joined a dating agency and started going out with a variety of different men. At first this was an awkward, embarrassing and nerve-racking process for her. Her mind repeatedly told her she was a ‘loser’ and that she would only ever meet other losers. But despite these unhelpful stories, Soula persisted and over time she gradually became more comfortable with the process.

Some of her dates were disastrous: the men were boring, arrogant, sexist, egotistical or just generally obnoxious. On the other hand, some of her dates were a lot of fun: the men were witty, charming, intelligent, open-minded and attractive. It was always hit-and-miss. At one point she dated a guy for seven weeks, fell madly in love with him, and then found out he’d been cheating on her. Naturally, she was devastated and, being human, she went off track for a while. For over a month she fell back into her old habits: staying home alone, cutting herself off from friends, dwelling obsessively on her loneliness and eating ice cream by the bucket to ‘cheer herself up’. Still, eventually Soula realised what she was doing and she applied the basic ACT formula.