The Happiness Trap (21 page)

In western society we tend to lead a goal-focused life. Life is all about achievement, and success is usually defined in terms of status, wealth and power. Typically, we aren’t that closely connected with our values and, because of that, we can easily get caught up in goals that are not truly meaningful to us. For instance, we can get so caught up in earning money or furthering our careers that we neglect to spend time with our family—the classic workaholic syndrome.

A more destructive version of the goal-focused life is when our goals centre on avoiding painful thoughts and feelings. As we’ve already seen, this leads to major suffering in the form of addictions, self-defeating behaviours and increasing remoteness from what we really want.

That’s why, in ACT, we advocate a values-focused life. Yes, we set goals, because goals are essential to a fulfilling, rewarding life—but we set them guided by our values. This means the goals we pursue are a lot more personally meaningful. And life itself becomes much more rewarding. We live more in the present and we appreciate what we have. So even as we move toward our goals, we find a deep satisfaction in life as it is right now.

To make this distinction clearer, consider the following story. A mother decides to take her two kids to a fantastic zoo, which happens to be a good two hours’ drive away. One kid has only one aim: to get to the zoo as fast as possible. All the way there he’s sitting on the edge of his seat, in a state of constant frustration, every few minutes whining, ‘Are we there, yet?’, ‘I’m bored’, ‘How much longer?’ The second kid, however, has two aims: to get to the zoo as fast as possible
and
to appreciate the journey. So this second kid is looking out the window, noticing all the fields full of cows and sheep, watching in fascination at the giant trucks zooming past, waving out of the window at friendly pedestrians. He’s not frustrated, not whining and not miserable. He’s living in the moment, appreciating where he is, rather than focusing on where he’s not.

Now if the car breaks down halfway and the kids never reach the zoo, then which child has had the most rewarding journey? And if the car does make it to the zoo, obviously both kids will have a great reward—but still, only one of them has enjoyed the journey.

The values-focused life will always be more fulfilling than the goal-focused life because you get to appreciate the journey even as you’re working towards your goals. What’s more, in a values-focused life, you’re likelier to achieve your goals. Why? Because if you make sure that your goals are in line with your values, then you’ll be more motivated to pursue them.

Connecting with your values and acting on them gives you a sense of contentment, fulfilment and abundance because living by your values gives you satisfaction
right now.
For instance, suppose you really want to buy a house. Buying a house is a goal (that is, something that can be achieved and ‘crossed off the list’). But suppose that because of your current finances it will be a long time before you can actually buy that house. If you believe you can’t be happy until you’ve achieved that goal, life will be pretty miserable.

Ask yourself: ‘What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?’ If the answer is, ‘To provide security for my family’, then you’ve identified a core value: taking good care of your family. And taking care of your family is something you can do right now, in a hundred and one different ways. For example, you can cook a healthy dinner, read a story to your kids, or give your partner a hug and some words of support.

This doesn’t mean you give up on your goals. If you want to buy a house, start saving! But you don’t have to wait until you buy that house to have the satisfaction of caring for your family.

Let’s take another example. Suppose you have the long-term goal of being a doctor. The training will take some time and I’d hate for you to spend ten years of your life doggedly focused on that goal, thinking you can’t be happy until you’ve achieved it. Now, ask yourself: ‘What is this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?’

Let’s say you answered, ‘I’d be able to help people.’ Now you’ve identified a core value: helping others. And helping others is something you can do right now, in a myriad of ways: you can visit an elderly relative, contribute money to a worthy cause, help a fellow student with their homework or even do some volunteer work.

This doesn’t mean you give up your goal of becoming a doctor. What it means is, for the next ten years, while you’re working toward that goal, you have the ongoing satisfaction of living by your values—in this case, helping people.

‘But suppose my motivation isn’t helping people’, you may be saying. ‘Suppose I just want to get rich.’ Well, for starters, being rich is a goal, not a value. It’s a goal because it can be achieved and crossed off the list. But to answer this question more fully, here’s a transcript of a session I had with Jeff. Jeff was a businessman in his mid-thirties, making a reasonable living but obsessed with earning more. He was making himself miserable by constantly focusing on all the people he knew who were richer than he was. I asked Jeff, ‘What do you really want?’

Jeff:
To be absolutely honest, I want to be stinking rich.

Russ:
Fair enough. If you were stinking rich, what would that enable you to do?

Jeff:
Lots of things.

Russ:
Such as?

Jeff:
Travel around the world.

Russ:
What would you do on your travels?

Jeff:
I’d laze around on beaches ... explore exotic countries ... visit the wonders of the world.

Russ:
Okay. What do you value about lazing around on beaches?

Jeff:
It’s relaxing. It’s a great way to chill out.

Russ:
And what do you value about visiting exotic countries?

Jeff:
Meeting new people, tasting new cuisines, discovering exotic arts and crafts.

Russ:
Okay. Now, I want to be clear on this. I’m not for a moment suggesting that you give up on your goal. If you want to be rich, by all means, go for it. But I’d hate to see you spend the next ten years feeling miserable because you think you have to be rich before you can find fulfilment. See, you identified ‘relaxing’ and ‘chilling out’ as activities you value. Well, there’s a zillion different ways you can relax and chill out right now, and you don’t have to be rich. You could have a hot bath, listen to some music, do yoga...

Jeff:
Yeah, but I really do like lazing on beaches.

Russ:
Absolutely. And so it makes sense to save up your money and plan a beach holiday. But you don’t have to wait until you’re rich to have the satisfaction of relaxing—that’s something you can do every day. And it’s the same for those other values. For example, if you value tasting exotic cuisine, how could you do that right now?

Jeff:
I guess I could try some ethnic restaurants.

Russ:
Yeah, or some ethnic cookbooks.

Jeff:
Yes, but that’s not the same as eating the local food in a foreign country.

Russ:
I’m not suggesting that it is. I’m just pointing out that if you truly value eating exotic food, you don’t have to wait until you’re rich enough to travel the world. And the same goes for discovering little-known arts and crafts. If you wanted to do that right now, what could you do?

Jeff:
Go to art galleries?

Russ:
Exactly. Or visit museums or local arts-and-crafts fairs. Or you could read about it or research it on the Internet.

Jeff:
Yeah, but that’s not the same as—

Russ:
I know. And again, if you want to travel overseas, then it makes sense to save money and plan for it. All I’m saying is, if you value relaxing, eating different foods and learning about unusual arts and crafts, you can do all these things right now. You don’t have to go through life desperately wanting. Now, let’s come back to your goal of being rich. Why else is that important?

Jeff:
Because people look up to you when you’re rich.

Russ:
Well, I don’t know if that’s always the case, but let’s assume you’re right. What’s so important about having people look up to you?

Jeff:
They treat you better. They respect you.

Russ:
So let’s suppose that people treated you well and respected you and looked up to you. What would that enable you to do?

Jeff:
I guess I’d be more at ease. I wouldn’t have to try and impress anyone. I could just be myself.

Russ:
So what you really value is being yourself? Being genuine?

Jeff:
Yeah. I just want to be me.

Russ:
Okay. So can you be genuine right now? Do you have to wait until you’re rich?

Jeff:
It’s easier if you’re rich.

Russ:
Maybe so. But are you going to wait until you’re rich before you give yourself the satisfaction of being genuine?

Jeff:
What if I’m genuine and people don’t like me?

Russ:
Do you want to spend your life building friendships with people who only like you because you’re rich?

Jeff:
No.

Russ:
What sort of friendships do you want to build?

Jeff:
Ones where I can be myself; where I can be accepted for who I am.

Russ:
Okay. So if you value being genuine, why not start right now in the relationships you already have? Ask yourself: ‘What’s one small thing I could say or do that would be truer to the real me?’

As you can see, Jeff was quite convinced that he needed to be rich before he could find satisfaction in life. But over time, as Jeff chose increasingly to live by his values, he found a deep sense of fulfilment—even as he pursued his financial and business goals.

Jeff’s case is hardly unique. Many people want to be rich, famous and successful. Yet these things are goals, not values. To get to the values underlying a goal, you need to ask yourself: ‘What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?’

As in Jeff’s case, you may need to ask this question several times over to get to the underlying value. There may be many motivating factors underlying the desire for fame, wealth and success. One particularly common motivation is to have others look up to you, admire you, respect you. And why is this important? Because, as Jeff put it, then you wouldn’t have to try to impress anyone. You’d have much less fear of rejection. And that would then allow you to ‘be yourself’.

Most of us go through life too scared to let others see who we really are. We’re ruled by the thought: ‘They won’t like me if they know what I’m really like.’ The cost of this is enormous: we end up disconnected from the people around us and our relationships lack intimacy, depth and openness. We end up going through life wearing a mask, trying to hide who we are—putting on a show in order to win approval, love or friendship. Why does this happen? Simple: because we’ve fused with the ‘I’m not good enough’ story. Our minds tell us we have to be rich or famous or successful to compensate for our shortcomings; that only then will we be accepted, liked and loved. And, foolishly, we believe them!

So if being genuine and open is what you value, why wait until you’re rich, famous or successful? Why not start being more yourself
today?
Let people start to know you. Be real. Be authentic. Be open. Ask yourself: ‘What’s one small thing I could say or do that would be more consistent with the real me?’

As with acting on any value, always start with small, short-term goals. For example, in a conversation or group discussion, you might express your genuine opinion rather than an insincere one designed to win approval. Or you might share a bit more about what’s really happening in your life, instead of pretending that everything’s perfectly all right. (Of course, you’ll have to defuse the ‘They Won’t Like Me/Respect Me/Approve of Me’ stories.)

Needless to say, there are plenty of other motivations for becoming rich, famous or successful. But if you work through them as I did with Jeff, you’ll eventually get down to core values—which you can live by right now. For example, you might say, ‘If I were rich, I could buy a helicopter and learn to fly it.’ The values underlying this may be about learning new skills, personal development, having fun or facing your fears. All these are values you can live by, right here and now, without being rich or owning a helicopter.

Let’s return to Soula, whose major goal was to find a loving partner. You’ll recall that she set herself some smaller goals, including joining a dating agency and going on some blind dates. These were important steps, to be sure. But as long as Soula believed that life could not be fulfilling without a partner, she was setting herself up for a lot of unnecessary suffering. So I asked her to connect with the values underlying that goal. As a partner, Soula valued being loving, caring, open, sensual and fun. I pointed out to her that although she didn’t have a partner right now, she could still act on those values in other domains of her life.

‘But that’s not the same as having a partner,’ she said.

‘Absolutely right,’ I replied. ‘But which helps you to lead a fuller life: living by your values here and now, or making yourself miserable by constantly focusing on a goal you haven’t achieved yet?’

Soula got the point. She started to be more loving and caring toward her family, and more open and fun-loving with her friends and co-workers. She also chose to be more sensual with herself—having regular massages, taking soothing hot baths and enjoying erotic literature. And the result? Life became far more satisfying, even though she hadn’t yet achieved her major goal.

The truth is, no matter how many goals you achieve, there will always be something else you want. You know what it’s like. You get that fabulous new job and it’s all very exciting, but how long before the novelty wears off? How long before you’re yearning for something new? Or you get that pay rise and you love having all that extra money, but how long before you take it for granted and want more? Or perhaps you meet the partner of your dreams and fall madly in love, but how long before you start noticing that your dream lover snores or wears the same socks three days in a row?