The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz (24 page)

I’d run into Pauly Shore occasionally at the Comedy Store (his mother, Mitzi Shore, was the owner), and sometimes I would introduce him to porn starlets. If we both had free time, we’d take them back to his place, where we might get lucky (or not). He called it “pizza delivery.” When Pauly would hear that I might be stopping by the club, he’d say, “Ron’s bringing pizza!”
*

Some comics, like Jim Norton, were bold enough to join me for sexual escapades and then tell the world about it. Jim was at a hotel in Vegas for a stand-up performance, and, after his set, he walked into a room and stumbled upon me having sex with one of the girls. He watched me fuck her for a while, and the girl and I eventually coaxed him into joining us for a threeway.
*

He bragged about it later on Colin Quinn’s
Tough Crowd
. “I was cock-struck,” he told Colin. “Ron says to me, ‘I think she needs something in her mouth.’ And I’m like, ‘I have to do this.’ It’s almost like the Pope saying, ‘Look, I’m doing Mass, could you help?’”

While we were doing it, I tried to mess around with Jim and make him laugh. He was getting a blow job while I fucked her from behind, and I could tell that it wasn’t entirely comfortable for him. He wasn’t accustomed to having sex while another guy was in the room, much less a guy who was joining in. So every once in a while, I would give the girl an extra deep stroke, really pounding my cock into her, causing her entire body to lurch forward. The propulsion was enough to make her deep-throat him.

After we finished, Jim took me aside and said, “That was so weird. I never thought that another man could have so much control over my sex life.”

I also became friends with a brilliant comic named Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney reminded me of the best comedians from the Catskills, delivering one-liners that were so corny and goofy you just had to laugh. Whenever he walked onstage, you knew that you were in the presence of a true master.

Though I met Rodney several times during the 1980s, we were little more than passing acquaintances. But then he asked me to make a guest appearance in his 1989 HBO special,
Opening Night at Rodney’s Place
. I was featured in the show’s opening skit, where Rodney auditions for a role in a porno movie. The director is less than impressed by Rodney’s physical endowment, and I’m called into the room to show him what a “real” porn star should have in his pants. Rodney takes one look at my penis and says, “All men are created equal? What
bullshit
!”

During a visit to Las Vegas, I took him to the Adult Awards, which he enjoyed; but the after parties were not nearly as exciting as he’d hoped. I still remember walking into an Adult Video News (AVN) after party with Rodney. There were at least a hundred guys in the place and not a single female porn star in sight. He took one look at the crowd, turned to me, and said, “Hey, I love your party, Ron. There are ten guys for every guy.”

He also asked to sit in on some of my porn sets. Now hold on, I know what you’re thinking. He wasn’t there to gawk at all the naked women and watch strangers having sex. He was doing research for a new comedy script he was writing, loosely based on the adult film industry. It was a soft-core movie, but there were a few explicit scenes that required actresses who weren’t averse to nudity. He never actually made the film, but he was serious enough about it to meet with Jim South at World Modeling, the top porn agency in L.A. They arranged for a casting call, and Jim asked me just how much skin Rodney was expecting to see.

We decided to pull a practical joke on him. When he walked into the office, there was a roomful of naked girls waiting to meet him. Rodney loved that. He had a great sense of humor.

Rodney was not what you’d call a bashful man. He loved naked women, and he had an affinity for loose-fitting outfits that left very little to the imagination.

During one summer, I visited Rodney in Las Vegas to catch his act at the MGM Grand. I brought along Mark Carriere, president of Leisure Time Entertainment, who was a big fan of Rodney’s and wanted to meet him. So I took Mark and his girlfriend to Rodney’s hotel room to say hello. Rodney greeted us at the door wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Normally, this wouldn’t have been cause for alarm, but the bathrobe was tied loosely around his waist. You could barely notice, but his balls were hanging out.

Rodney posed for photographs with Mark and his girlfriend, and I feel a little guilty about admitting this, but I lowered the camera on purpose to get Rodney’s balls into the frame. If he saw me doing it, he either didn’t know what was happening or didn’t care. Two weeks later, I went to Mark’s house in Brentwood to show him the Vegas photos. And sure enough, in one photo, we had a clear shot of Rodney’s balls.

“Those
can’t
be his balls,” Mark insisted. He took a magnifying glass to the photos and examined them more closely. But there was no denying it. Those hairy satchels barely drooping from Rodney’s robe were exactly what they appeared to be.

“Jesus Christ,” Mark muttered. “I thought
we
were exhibitionists.”

Rodney was a good guy, right until the end. He used me in two of his movies,
Meet Wally Sparks
and
Back by Midnight
, and always treated me like a professional and not just a porn star oddity. In his autobiography, he said very kind things about me, complimenting my sense of humor (as well as a few other things).

At Dangerfield’s funeral, I ran into Jim Carrey. I hadn’t seen him since he became superfamous, and the first thing he said was, “Hey, Ron, John Wayne wouldn’t say much of anything!”

After Johnny Carson’s funeral at Dan Tana’s, I ran into Jerry Seinfeld. He still remembered me from my years on the open-mike circuit in New York. In fact, he made a mention of my old “My Moon Over the Keys” routine, playing the piano with my ass cheeks.

I couldn’t believe he remembered that.
*

T
here are some critics who might question the logic of combining comedy and pornography. Is that really what porn consumers are looking for, anyway? Is it possible to laugh and jerk off at the same time? And even if it is, would you even
want
to?

I may not be the best person to answer these questions. I haven’t watched a porno that I’m not in since I was a teenager, and even then I wasn’t jerking off to them. So I don’t know if there’s anything appealing about comedic porn. But I do know this: I’ve made over seventeen hundred adult films, and the majority of them were comedies. So
somebody
is buying these things and, one can only assume, watching them.

So I guess that makes me something of an expert in the field of porn comedy. And because I’m such a generous guy, I’m going to share some of my secrets with you. So find a seat, put on your mortarboard, and get ready for an educational segment that I like to call…I’m a fatty funny fucker, and what’s
your name?

Lesson #1:
THE ONE-LINER

T
his is probably the most important element of any successful porn comedy. Let’s face it, most porn is not, by definition, very funny. Porn is about the sex, not the punch lines, so directors are more interested in shooting scenes that are more inherently sexy than hilarious.

But just because you may not find yourself in a scenario rife with comedic possibilities doesn’t mean that you can’t show off your wit. You just need to know where to find your moment to shine. It could be where you least expect it, like in the middle of an otherwise scorching oral sex scene, or while probing the anal cavity of your female costar. These are prime opportunities to lighten the mood with a well-placed one-liner.

Remember, you’re not trying to distract from the action. You’re just throwing out a small comedy nugget to keep the audience on its toes. For instance, say you’re giving a girl head. Take a moment to gaze into your partner’s cooter and say something goofy and off-the-cuff, like, “Honey, I’m not saying you have a big vagina, but there’s a small man up in there, waving a lantern and saying, ‘Go back, go back! It’s not safe!’” It may not be funny, but it’ll catch your audience by surprise. And surprise, as any comedian will tell you, is the root of all comedy.

Don’t be afraid to bring a little satire to your routine. Some of my best one-liners can be found in Hal Freeman’s still classic
Caught from Behind
series. I played Dr. Proctor, who ran the appropriately named Sphincter Clinic. In
Caught from Behind 4
, I was using a telescope to look at the stars just as Keli Richards stepped in front of it. With a clear view of her ass, I said, “You know, on a clear night, I can see Uranus.”

Like any health-conscious proctologist, Dr. Proctor would wear a rubber glove during his examinations. But while diddling a girl, the gloves would often switch hands without warning, just to see if the audience is paying attention.

In some films, I even wore jewelry over the gloves, like a watch or bracelet. I’d be fingering a girl and suddenly the watch would disappear. I’d just look at the camera and go, “Oh shit. That was a Rolex.” Or while eating out a girl, I might place a map of the Grand Canyon next to her, pausing every so often to check it for directions. It’s what we in the comedy trade call a “sight gag.” It doesn’t need to be explained. You either notice it or you don’t.
*

Another excellent opportunity for one-liners is during your pop shot. You could waste your orgasm with a lot of grimacing and shuddering, but any run-of-the-mill porn stud worth his salt could do that. Instead, delight the viewer with an improvised quip. In
Carnal Possessions
, a 1988
Beetlejuice
parody, I delivered my funniest pop shot, announcing, “My little semen are about to proudly burst forth, proclaiming, ‘I am, I exist, I am here, I matter! I read Descartes!’” Lessons in existentialism or French philosophy might not be what your typical porn enthusiast wants to hear while watching a guy ejaculate, but it’s nothing if not unexpected. The element of surprise is one of the most effective tools of the would-be porn comedian. My favorite line, however, is “While diamonds are a girl’s best friend, here comes a pearl necklace you’re never going to forget. UGGH!”

Lesson #2:
THE FUNNY PORN TITLE

D
id you know that the original title for
Deep Throat
was
The Doctor Makes a House Call
? Sometimes a porn film is only as memorable as its title, and with thousands of films competing for your attention every month, it helps to have a title that not only catches your eye but also makes you laugh.

But what makes a porn title
really
funny? It’s an art form, and not just any hack writer can come up with a truly inspired title. You need the perfect combination of sexual suggestion and comic premise, erotic allusion and double entendre, making the casual porn consumer think, Wow, that’s hot and Wow, that’s fucking funny, often simultaneously.

There’s no magic formula for creating a porn title that’s guaranteed to get a laugh and a hard-on from your viewer. But, as with anything, practice makes perfect. For your further studies, I’ve collected some of the most hilarious porn titles from my illustrious career, arranged by category.

PUNS

Anals of History

Dick-tation

Incocknito

Innocent Bi-Standers

Udderly Fantastic

POLITICAL

Nude World Order

All American Girls in Heat

Oral Majority

Girls of the Third Reich

PROFESSIONS

Once Upon a Secretary

Samurai Dick

Mistress Hiney, the Beverly Hills Butt Broker

Cheerleader Nurses

BOOBIES

Bodacious Ta Ta’s

Big Boob Bonanza

Attack of the Monster Mammaries

Dixie Dynamite and the All-Star Tit Queens

FULL-FIGURED WOMEN

2000 Lbs of Love

This Little Piggy Went to Porno

Let Me Tell Ya ’Bout Fat Chicks

Bad Mama Jama and the Fat Ladies of the Evening

Fatliners

HOLIDAY-THEMED

All I Want for Christmas Is a Gang Bang

Jingle Balls

Gang Bang Under the Mistletoe