The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz (37 page)

It was Paul’s agent from UTA (United Talent Agency). “You know, you’re not making your friend look very good,” he whispered angrily. “Paul’s trying to show his movie to some major celebrities, and you’re snoring through it and disturbing everybody.”

Was I really snoring? I felt horrible. “I’m so sorry,” I said, running a hand across my swollen eyes. “It won’t happen again.”

He walked back to his seat and within seconds I was asleep again. And this time I wasn’t just snoring. My uvula was making guttural noises that sounded like a phlegmy wind tunnel. It was almost louder than the movie.

The agent ran back over and shook me until I stopped. “Maybe you should just leave,” he growled at me. “If you can’t stay awake for two goddamn hours, it might be better for everybody if you found someplace else to take a nap.”

Not the best way to begin a professional relationship.
*

Luckily, Paul never held it against me. I suppose that he realized I had too much to offer
Boogie Nights
to be put off by a little inappropriate snoring.

On most of my consulting gigs, I would show up for a day or two on the set and give the director a few notes. But for
Boogie Nights
, Paul and I got together often, discussing the adult industry and hammering out details. Paul didn’t just want a casual tutoring in porn, he wanted to know
everything
. He came to several of my sets, watching my every move like an eager student. He interviewed the actresses, chatted with the crew, talked to anybody who had even the smallest job on a porn shoot. I brought him to porn parties, introduced him to retired producers, and got him into the Hot D’Or Awards Show in Cannes, France. I took him and Mike De Luca, the head of New Line Entertainment, to an AVN awards ceremony. I even did some location scounting (the Gourmet studios were used in a few scenes) and I dug through dusty old warehouses, in search of reels of classic films (Paul didn’t want videos or DVDs).

Paul wasn’t the only one getting a behind-the-scenes education in porn aesthetics. Everyone in the cast was asked to attend at least one porno set. Mark Wahlberg went, as did William H. Macy and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Only Burt Reynolds managed to skip the field trips. As I believe he told Paul, “I know how these films are made. I don’t need to see it.”

During the
Boogie Nights
shoot, we were told not to discuss porn with Burt. The only acceptable topics were football or baseball. Burt loved anything athletic, and he could supposedly rattle off statistics or scores like an encyclopedia of sports minutiae. I don’t know how he kept so many numbers in his head. I tried to be friendly and make conversation, but I wasn’t the sports enthusiast he was. I could’ve told him how many pop shots there were in
The Opening of Misty Beethoven
but not who won the 1964 World Series. Somehow, I don’t think he would’ve appreciated the similarities.

The female stars of
Boogie Nights
, Julianne Moore and Heather Graham, were a little more elusive when it came to visiting my sets. Not that they found it offensive or didn’t want to be around porn actors, but their schedules were less predictable than those of the boys. I didn’t get the call that Julianne Moore had a free afternoon until the last minute, and I had to scramble to find a porn shoot for her to watch. I was working on a new movie called
Three Foxes and a Dweeb
. It was a
Revenge of the Nerds
for the porn crowd; dorks with glasses having sex with women so far out of their league you couldn’t help but cheer for them. Though we hadn’t planned to film anything on the day Julianne was available, I begged my actors to come in on their day off for a quick scene.

We rented a hotel room in the Valley, and Julianne arrived just as we were getting started. I’ve got to hand it to Julianne, she was a consummate professional, because the shoot was hardly the most comfortable environment. It was a small room with a king-size bed, so there was barely enough space for the crew to move around unencumbered. Julianne was stuck in very close quarters with the other actors, and she probably got a better look at the sex than she really wanted.

What’s more, Eric Monti, my lead performer, was not what you’d call the most handsome guy. He was cast specifically for that reason. This was a movie about dweebs, and he fit the bill perfectly: he wasn’t somebody you’d necessarily want to see naked.

To make matters worse, we were shooting an anal scene, with all the lubes and oils necessary to make everything run smoothly, which made for a rather messy and less-than-visually-pleasing show. Plus, Eric sweats a lot. Paul actually told
The Globe
(or somebody did) that he worried about losing Julianne after the experience.

But Julianne, trooper that she was, took it all in stride. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had taken one look at my ragtag group of porn misfits and gone screaming for the hills. But she was nothing but cheerful and courteous, smiling at everybody and trying to stay out of the crew’s way. She thanked me at the end as if I had just given her an early Christmas present. I don’t think for a minute that she enjoyed any of it. I can only imagine that after she left, she took a Karen Silkwood shower, with guys in hazmat suits scrubbing her down with sponges. But she never complained, never made any of us feel like a carny sideshow attraction. She just sat and silently watched the scene and then got the hell out of there.

Heather Graham had an interesting experience. Actually, it was interesting for both of us. I was starring in a John T. Bone movie called
Sodomy Sodo-you
, and Paul asked if he could bring Heather by to check it out. I said it would be fine, as I assumed that I would be doing only dialogue during their visit. But then I looked at my schedule for the day and realized, “Aw shit, I’m booked to do a scene!”

Please take a moment to review my five laws for celebrities visiting a porn set. Take a good, close look at law #1. Ring any bells?
Nobody watches me have sex!
I had broken my most cardinal law, and it was too late to call Paul back and cancel. Besides,
Boogie Nights
would be going into production soon, and Paul was eager for Heather to sit in on at least one porno shoot before it was too late. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t get out of it.

Heather Graham was going to see me naked, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.

The day’s shoot was taking place at a mountain ranch in the Simi Valley, right down the block from Charles Manson’s old farm on Santa Susanna Pass. It was a beautiful setting for a porn film, with rolling hills and picturesque views. But when Paul and Heather drove up, I knew there was going to be trouble.

Heather was wearing skates.

In
Boogie Nights
, she would be playing Roller Girl, a young porn starlet who never took off her roller skates. Heather was not the most skilled skater, so Paul had instructed her to practice at every opportunity. They both apparently decided that a porn set would be an excellent place for her to work on her balance. But what they didn’t count on was the hilly and uneven terrain of the Simi Valley. The entire ranch was on a slant, which hardly made for the most forgiving skating rink. Paul had at least thought to give Heather some knee pads, but it still seemed like a tragedy waiting to happen.

But I had other things to worry about. I wasn’t just doing a sex scene today; I was doing an
anal
scene. Well, if I was going to break my own law, I might as well go all the way and give Heather something she wouldn’t soon forget.

My partner was a porn vet named Cortnee, and this was far from her first anal scene. I was thankful for at least that much. It would’ve been far worse if I’d been breaking in a new actress. A first-time anal is not pleasant for anyone. Tensions are high, and neither person enjoys the experience very much. But even so, I’m something of an anal sex aficionado—an analinguist, if you will—and I pride myself on putting even the most inexperienced woman at ease.

Hey, you know what? This seems like a perfect excuse for yet another edition of…

SEX Advice from DR. RON JEREMY

Part 2:
ANAL SEX

T
he most common mistake made by women during anal sex is sucking in the muscles of their sphincter because they’re afraid that it’s going to hurt. But the thing is, that makes it only
more
painful. You have to push
out
like you’re taking a crap. When you suck in, it tightens your muscles, and a guy’s cock has to push through it, stretching the anal walls. But by pushing out, you’re loosening those muscles and making entry less difficult.

When I tell this to girls, they never believe me. “If I push out, I’m going to take a shit on you.” Well, possibly. But not if you’re in the right position.

Doggy-style is the best position for inexperienced anal. A girl should be on her stomach, facing forward, with both of her elbows on the floor and her ass up in the air. This way it’s less likely that she’ll make a mess. I’ve seen some really stupid performers who never follow this rule. A girl will come in and say she just had a big Mexican dinner and she’s a little nervous, and then she’ll have anal sex on
top
of a guy. It’s like she’s sitting on a toilet, so of course she’ll end up making a mess all over his goddamn balls. If a girl’s concerned that she might be a little loose down there, or maybe she had a heavy dinner the night before, I’ll say no problem, we’ll just do doggy. Her chest and elbows are on the ground, with her ass at the highest point in the air, and she never has a problem.

Now, before you get started, it’s important to do a little foreplay. Have some normal sex before you move on to anal. Make sure that your partner is totally relaxed and aroused. Use a vibrator on her pussy or play with her clitoris. When she’s ready for some anal play, use plenty of lubrication. Slather her asshole with K-Y jelly or Vaseline or Astroglide. I’ve even used Albolene (makeup remover) on occasion when nothing else was available.

When her sphincter is nice and moist, put one finger inside. Remember, she should be in the doggy position, elbows on the ground and ass in the air. Then put in two fingers. Two fingers is the width of most penises anyway, so you’re already halfway there. It’s important that your nails are very neat and trim. You don’t want to be ripping anything in there. And don’t just ram a finger inside. Gently rub around the outside of her asshole, lubricating the edges. When you do insert your fingers, do it slowly. Put just the tip of your finger inside, then a little more, and then a little more. Ideally, she should also be masturbating during this to further relax the muscles.

If you spread her cheeks, you’ll notice that there’s a little gape forming. A gape, for those of you who don’t know, is when the anus is stretched open and a little black hole is visible. For some girls, this may be no larger than a pencil eraser. For others, their assholes could rival the Grand Canyon. We make a lot of jokes about the gape in porno, especially in the titles. There was
Planet of the Gapes
and
The Gapes of Wrath
. If the gape is wide, you know you’re in great shape. That’s what you want to see.

After a few minutes of this, you should be ready to begin. Stand up, spread her ass cheeks, and aim your cock toward her sphincter. It couldn’t hurt to have something in her pussy while you’re doing it. I’ve known some porno actresses who say they prefer double penetration to just straight anal. They need to have their pussy stimulated while there’s a guy in their ass. If you don’t have a second cock to work with, a vibrator will usually do the trick, or she could always masturbate.

And here’s the most important point: let
her
back her ass into
you
. A lot of guys think it’s their responsibility to initiate the penetration, but that’s just not true. You should remain almost completely stationary and let her slide her ass onto your cock. It’s the psychological aspect of anal sex. It’s more mental than physical. If she’s the one in control and doing most of the work, it won’t feel so much like an invasion.

Don’t think that girls don’t like nasty talk. When I’m having anal sex with a girl, I’ve found that a little dirty talk will go a long way. I’ll say something like “I’m in your ass right now. That is so nasty. This is sodomy. This is the bad place. I’m on the Hershey Highway. This is filthy and disgusting. I am
ass
-fucking you.” Sometimes they love that. It adds to the experience, and makes it seem more like a fun romp than a proctology exam. If they don’t like dirty talk, then just shut up and screw. Whatever the case, if their head’s not in it, their body won’t be either.

So, to review, here are the six simple steps to achieving successful and pleasurable anal sex:

1. 1. Elbows to the ground, ass up (the girl, not you)
   
2. 2. Lubricate liberally
   
3. 3. Insert one finger, then two
   
4. 4. The sphincter pushes
   out
   rather than sucks
   in
   
5. 5. Let
   her
   push back onto
   you
   
6. 6. Keep stimulating her pussy and clitoris
   

If none of these tricks work, then you’re outta luck. Give it up. You’re not getting any anal. It happens. Not everybody is built for anal, and we all have very different physiologies. If you’re lucky enough to find a girl whose ass has the elasticity of a rubber band, don’t let her go…

W
here was I?

Ah yes. I’m having anal sex in a movie called
Sodomy Sodo-you
. Heather Graham is watching while wearing roller skates. Paul was helping to hold her up, and even John T. Bone, the director, ran over to help her keep her balance a few times. As for me, I was too busy doing Cortnee in the keister to notice. Cort was a good sport, actually. She didn’t mind performing in front of Paul and Heather, and she even commented on how young and attractive they both looked. When we finished the sex, Heather asked us a few questions about the scene and then left with Paul.